THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[penners28]

Im well pissed off. just burnt my Hawaiian pizza in the oven! should have put it in on aloha temperature....

[JonWHUFC]

"Bloke comes down stairs and says to his missus ""You gotta look at the turd I just laid"" and she say ""I don't want to thanks, your disgusting"" and he says ""But you gotta see it, it is massive"" and she says ""Your sick, I don't want to"" and he says ""Go on, I am telling you it is a two pounder, two who pounds, I promise you"" and she says ""FFS, o.k. o.k. I will take a look"". She goes upstairs and looks in the loo and shouts down ""There is nothing in the toilet"" and he says ""No, look on the scales""."

[jfk]

"Chris Eubank has written a book about Ethics, if it is successful he'll write one about Kent."

[ted fenton]

"I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered: ""I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday,"" I said. ""You fly from Essex tomorrow, don't you?"" She said, ""Stansted."" ""Blimey,"" I thought, ""he seemed absolutely fine last week."" RIP Stan."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Did you hear about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot?? He crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard

[The Joker]

Ag Ted!

[ted fenton]

"Nazi officer: ""Sir, we are mining too many resources"" Hitler rubs chin. Officer: ""Should we mine fewer?"" Hitler: ""Should we what?"""

[Bungo]

"Rumours are that West Ham and Chelsea firms agreed to meet a mile away from the match last night, unfortunately this was still in the stadium."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes to nightschool to learn magic and join the Magic Circle. One night ,he gets back home and the wife is standing in the kitchen with their two kids. ""What did you do tonight,Frank?"" says the missus ""I learned how to change people into furniture"" ""Go on then,change me and the two kids into a three piece suite"" He waves his magic wand ,mutters a spell ,there's a flash and a bang and a three piece suite is there in the kitchen. ""Very good,now change us back"" says the settee. No matter how hard he tries,he can't reverse the spell and calls 999 and the ambulance as a last resort. He paces up and down outside the casualty department worried sick and after two hours ,the doctor emerges ""How's my family,Doctor?"" ""They're comfortable"""

[Mirkwood]

Pete Burns has only just died and our local hospital has already named a unit after him !!!

[ted fenton]

"Blonde : ""My husband's suffering from dandruff and nothing we've tried seems to work."" Brunette : ""Oh, that's no problem. I gave mine Head and Shoulders and that did the trick."" Blonde : ""How do you give shoulders?"""

[Bungo]

Just farted so long and hard that my voice recognition software wrote a Daily Mail column.

[Far East Hammer]

"Betty is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am. The next day, at 8.45am the foreman throws open the personnel manager's office door and begins ranting about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're literally beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Betty, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece fabric, wraps it around 2 marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel managers burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Betty. ""I'm sorry"", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ""but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave u yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles."""

[Far East Hammer]

"An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.""ù The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained""¶ ""Well, doc, it's like this ""î first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. ""She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.""ù The doctor was shocked. ""You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!""ù The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open"""

[ted fenton]

"I saw a midget climb down the wall of a prison yesterday and glare at me. I thought, ""That's a little condescending."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you get 100 cows into a barn? Put a 'Bingo' sign up

[JonWHUFC]

"Paddy and his Mrs wake up one night coz the next door neighbours dog is barking in the garden. This goes on for a couple of hours so Paddy storms downstairs and goes out the back door. Five minutes later he comes back and his Mrs says ""Paddy, what did you do?"" Paddy says ""I put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it"""

[boleyn8420]

If you are attacked by and evil clown the only way to defend yourself. Go for the Juggler

[JonWHUFC]

"Paddy says to Mick ""Why do deep sea divers fall out of the boat backwards"" to which Mick replies ""You must be stupid, if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat"""

[ted fenton]

"Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year."

[Willtell]

Ha ha ha! Good one Joker.

[The Joker]

Why aren't moderate friendly clowns speaking out about these extremist killer clowns?!

[boleyn8420]

There are four West Ham fans playing football outside my house with a hedgehog! I was going to call the RSPCA but then the hedgehog went one-nil up!!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke goes into a hardware shop and says ""I'd like to buy a dead wasp ,please?"" The hardware shop chap says ""We haven't got any"" ""Yes you have,there's one in the window"""

[Saul Bollox]

What's got six toes and spins? Fred Titmus