THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("

[side effect]

I order an Inverness Caley football strip for my son from jdsport. The top was last seasons with subway written accross the front and a bargain at ÔøΩ10. I have it delivered to their store as its the last one in stock for safe transit and they lose it. That s a joke

[lab]

"Sargent takes over a wave of new army recruits.he has them gathered in a hall and shouts if you're gonna succeed you're gonna need commitment.with that he walks over to a door opens it , behind it is an alligator, Sargent whips his cock out and sticks it in the beasts mouth, after fifteen seconds or so he pokes the animal in the eyes , it stands back looking very angry. Sargent returns to his men, ""right which one of you is gonna show me that same commitment?"" after a long pause one lad steps forward ,"" I will sarge, but promise not to poke me in the eyes."""

[lab]

Why do Essex girls only get half hour for lunch ? So you don't have to re train them.

[ted fenton]

:-)

[Coffee]

"Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about three Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where is your airplane?"

[ted fenton]

Awkward Commercial https://www.google.co.uk/?gfe_rd=cr&ei=x_0ZV7r1CMjCaK2kkuAH&gws_rd=cr#q=most+awkward+commercial+ever

[Mirkwood]

"So this guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend outside his house with her bags packed. he asks ""what are you doing?"" she says "" i heard some things about you today, and i'm leaving"". ""well, what did you hear"" he asks. she says, ""I heard you were a pedophile"". he rubs his chin, looking at her and says ""pedophile, that's an awful big word for a ten year old""."

[Pee Wee]

penners28 9:55 Fri Nov 18 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I think this is the only joke on here I have laughed at... I lol'd out loud

[The Stoat]

I thought schott's made recorders :-)

[lab]

"3 mice at a bar drinking schotts discussing how hard they are . The first mouse says he is able to hold a mousetrap open whilst scoffing the cheese bait , he downs a schott. The second explains his place is laden with rodent bait but he grinds it and snorts it like cocaine,he downs 2 schotts , the third mouse downs 3 schotts and starts to leave the bar, one of the others asks where he is going. "" I'm bored with this idle conversation , I'm off to fuck next doors cat"""

[Saul Bollox]

"1st Bloke: ""I call my wife Mona Lisa"" 2nd Bloke: ""Does she look like an art masterpiece."" 1st Bloke: ""No 'cos she's always moaning."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman goes to the vets with her dog which has an ear infection. The vet tells her that it's due to ingrowing hairs in his ears and an ordinary hair remover from the chemist will do the trick. She goes to the chemist and asks for an unscented hair removing cream ""Is it for your legs?"" asks the chemist ""No"" she says ""Is it for your arms?"" ""No"" she says ""What's it for then?"" ""It's for my Schnauzer"" ""OK but don't ride your bike for a week"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath - I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

[SecondOpinion]

True story Ted or is that meant to be for the joke thread?

[ted fenton]

Our window cleaner told me he'd been with every woman down our street except one. When I told the missus she reckoned it must be the snooty cow at number 27?

[lab]

"A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby, look at his willy,says the man, it's massive. Yes dear , says wife, but at least he's got your eyes."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back. Fella at the party says ""What have you come as?"" ""A tortoise"" says the bloke ""Who's that on your back then?"" ""That's Michele"""

[penners28]

"I'm sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit.... Still, it's my own fault for marrying her."

[Kearley]

.........shit.

[Trevor B]

"No, that would be the turn of THIS century."

[Kearley]

"The turn of the last century makes them around 16-17 years old. Worth fuck all, I reckon."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"One should not take the English language for granted. Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow ""Ooh!"" said the presenter, ""This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"" ""Sticks?"" Paddy said."

[ted fenton]

Obviously Corgi registered !!!!

[The Stoat]

"I attended a court case the other day and a bloke was being tried for shagging dogs. The Judge was astounded when the crime sheet was read out and bellowed ""How low can you get?"" ........ to which the bloke exclaimed ""about a Chihuahua your honour"""