THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Coffee]

"Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about three Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where is your airplane?"

[ted fenton]

Awkward Commercial https://www.google.co.uk/?gfe_rd=cr&ei=x_0ZV7r1CMjCaK2kkuAH&gws_rd=cr#q=most+awkward+commercial+ever

[Mirkwood]

"So this guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend outside his house with her bags packed. he asks ""what are you doing?"" she says "" i heard some things about you today, and i'm leaving"". ""well, what did you hear"" he asks. she says, ""I heard you were a pedophile"". he rubs his chin, looking at her and says ""pedophile, that's an awful big word for a ten year old""."

[Pee Wee]

penners28 9:55 Fri Nov 18 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) I think this is the only joke on here I have laughed at... I lol'd out loud

[The Stoat]

I thought schott's made recorders :-)

[lab]

"3 mice at a bar drinking schotts discussing how hard they are . The first mouse says he is able to hold a mousetrap open whilst scoffing the cheese bait , he downs a schott. The second explains his place is laden with rodent bait but he grinds it and snorts it like cocaine,he downs 2 schotts , the third mouse downs 3 schotts and starts to leave the bar, one of the others asks where he is going. "" I'm bored with this idle conversation , I'm off to fuck next doors cat"""

[Saul Bollox]

"1st Bloke: ""I call my wife Mona Lisa"" 2nd Bloke: ""Does she look like an art masterpiece."" 1st Bloke: ""No 'cos she's always moaning."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A woman goes to the vets with her dog which has an ear infection. The vet tells her that it's due to ingrowing hairs in his ears and an ordinary hair remover from the chemist will do the trick. She goes to the chemist and asks for an unscented hair removing cream ""Is it for your legs?"" asks the chemist ""No"" she says ""Is it for your arms?"" ""No"" she says ""What's it for then?"" ""It's for my Schnauzer"" ""OK but don't ride your bike for a week"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath - I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

[SecondOpinion]

True story Ted or is that meant to be for the joke thread?

[ted fenton]

Our window cleaner told me he'd been with every woman down our street except one. When I told the missus she reckoned it must be the snooty cow at number 27?

[lab]

"A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby, look at his willy,says the man, it's massive. Yes dear , says wife, but at least he's got your eyes."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back. Fella at the party says ""What have you come as?"" ""A tortoise"" says the bloke ""Who's that on your back then?"" ""That's Michele"""

[penners28]

"I'm sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit.... Still, it's my own fault for marrying her."

[Kearley]

.........shit.

[Trevor B]

"No, that would be the turn of THIS century."

[Kearley]

"The turn of the last century makes them around 16-17 years old. Worth fuck all, I reckon."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"One should not take the English language for granted. Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow ""Ooh!"" said the presenter, ""This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"" ""Sticks?"" Paddy said."

[ted fenton]

Obviously Corgi registered !!!!

[The Stoat]

"I attended a court case the other day and a bloke was being tried for shagging dogs. The Judge was astounded when the crime sheet was read out and bellowed ""How low can you get?"" ........ to which the bloke exclaimed ""about a Chihuahua your honour"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So this beautiful young Hippo,dressed up in a polka dot dress and matching bow, goes to the jungle disco one night and meets a very suave Rhinoceros in a white dinner jacket and black bow tie. They dance until the wee small hours and end up in her clearing making mad passionate love. When he wakes up with her in his arms ,she's crying. He says ""What's up ,darling? Didn't you enjoy last night ?"" ""Oh of course I did but I feel so used,I don't even know your name"" ""It's Neil"" Immediately she cheers up and he asks why. ""Well,when I go down the watering hole later,I can tell the girls I spent the night with Rhino Neil"" *dons tin hat*"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""Do you really talk?"" he asks the dog. ""Yes,"" the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, ""So, tell me your story."" The Labrador looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years"". ""But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals"". ""Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. ""Ten quid,"" the owner says. ""£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"" ""Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."""

[Mirkwood]

Lab that was superb.....lol

[lab]

I hired a lady from E Europe to clean the house . It took her two hours to do the hoovering . Turns out she was a slovac .

[ted fenton]

:-)