THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate's opened some shops in Israel...the dairy shop is Cheeses of Nazareth ,the ice cream shop is Walls of Jericho and the Mother care shop is Judas's Carry cots"

[The Joker]

"If online bullying has taught us anything, it's that fat kids would rather hang themselves than lose some weight."

[Enoch Nutter]

"I just told that one to my wigan born collegue and she replied ""did you really meet someone from Wigan last night?"""

[boleyn8420]

I met a transvestite from Manchester last night. She had a Wigan address

[JonWHUFC]

It's always Jolly Holidays with Merry (said in best cockney accent ala Dick Van Dyke)

[icwhs]

Merry Holidays ? Its Merry Christmas you twat

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"A Burger van on the A12 just outside Romford has won the title of the best mobile catering establishment in the UK. The food is so good, it has just been awarded two Michelin tyres."

[riosleftsock]

"Bob Monkhouse told one of my favourite ever jokes ""When I was younger, I told people that I wanted to be a comedian. They laughed at me. ""Well, they're not laughing now"" I think Farage was inspired by it."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Aalborg Hammer 6:27 Tue Dec 20 That genuinely did make me LOL. There's childish humour and adults pretending to make childish jokes. That was childish humour. Something Bob Monkhouse could have delivered with consummate ease. Thank You. Merry Holidays.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"What do you call a camel with Four humps?"" A Saudi Quattro"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke goes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play an adult game called ""Wheelbarrow"" She says ""OK, What have I got to do?"" He says ""Take all your clothes off and lie on the floor,face down...I'll then to pick your legs up and put them under my arms and off we go"" ""Alright"" she says ""But don't go past my Mums' house"""

[ray winstone]

"At a funeral a man asks the vicar for the wifi code, the vicar replies 'please have some respect for your late mother', the man says 'is that all lower case'?"

[Willtell]

It took me a moment Bob...

[The Cult Of Bob]

Do all black people have a problem with slavery? Or is it just mine?

[lab]

"Well Xmas dinner won't be the same after brexit , no Brussels."

[Marston Hammer]

The missus and I are trying for a baby. The mother-in-law has offered to help out. But only until I get hard.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q .What's the difference between bogies and Brussels sprouts? A.You'll never get your kids to eat Brussels sprouts

[BubblesCyprus]

"Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, ""Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.""ù God asks Obama first: ""What do you believe?"" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ""I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen"". God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, ""What do you believe?"" Hillary says, ""I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."" God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, ""And you, Donald, what do you believe?"" Trump replies, ""I believe you're in my seat."""

[side effect]

Any way I get confirmation that my order has been cancelled last week and give 3-5 days for the refund. and then get an email saying my items are ready for collection and are now in my possession. And you thought only at West Ham. Continued from the Inverness Caledonian below

[Aalborg Hammer]

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.

[ted fenton]

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("

[side effect]

I order an Inverness Caley football strip for my son from jdsport. The top was last seasons with subway written accross the front and a bargain at ÔøΩ10. I have it delivered to their store as its the last one in stock for safe transit and they lose it. That s a joke

[lab]

"Sargent takes over a wave of new army recruits.he has them gathered in a hall and shouts if you're gonna succeed you're gonna need commitment.with that he walks over to a door opens it , behind it is an alligator, Sargent whips his cock out and sticks it in the beasts mouth, after fifteen seconds or so he pokes the animal in the eyes , it stands back looking very angry. Sargent returns to his men, ""right which one of you is gonna show me that same commitment?"" after a long pause one lad steps forward ,"" I will sarge, but promise not to poke me in the eyes."""

[lab]

Why do Essex girls only get half hour for lunch ? So you don't have to re train them.

[ted fenton]

:-)