THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke goes home and asks his wife if she'd like to play an adult game using flavoured condoms.""You have to guess what the flavour is"" She says ""OK - Cheese and onion!!"" ""Wait a minute!!""he says ""I haven't put one on yet !!"""

[CrowleyHammer]

I don't find anything wrong with people being obsessed with Michael Jackson. Everyone in the Middle East worships a dead pedophile as well.

[Willtell]

Excellent Dave! Ag ag ag ag

[Dave Boozle]

"A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away. Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note: not too romantic and not too personal. Accordingly, off he went with his sister to Harrods, where they selected a dainty pair of fur-lined, quality leather gloves. While she was there, his sister bought a pair of knickers for herself. They took advantage of the free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, with the result that the sister got the gloves - and Edward, unknowingly, ended up with the knickers. Good old Edward sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter: Dearest Mary, I chose these because I've noticed that you don't wear any when we go out together. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she prefers shorter ones, which are easier to remove. They are a very delicate shade, but the shop assistant showed me the pair she'd been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I got her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean - in fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they'll be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year! I do hope you'll wear them for me on our next date. All my love Edward P.S. Mum tells me that the latest fashion is to wear them folded down, with a little bit of fur showing."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

[Willtell]

"After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, ""I had sex with my teacher."" She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, ""I had sex with my teacher."" The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, ""No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."""

[JustAFatKevinDavies]

do you understand the basic ideas/premise behind telling jokes Willtell?

[Willtell]

"Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is you stand up and say, ""òMy name is John and I am an alcoholic'?"

[ted fenton]

I launched my charity bedding appeal for Africa today. Duvet Know it's Christmas?

[Mirkwood]

Made me laugh that George Michael joke...lol

[Willtell]

"A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. ""I have an interesting case here,""ù he says. ""A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.""ù ""Is he dead?""ù asks the sergeant. ""I don't think so"" replies the officer. ""Have you arrested her?""ù asks the sergeant. ""No, not yet."" replies the officer. ""Why not for Christ's sake? asks the sergeant. Because her floor's still wet.""ù"

[Willtell]

Emails true meanings - I have a question. = I have 18 questions. I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it. I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again. No worries. = You really messed up this time. Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me. Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

[Sniper]

"Willtell 12:20 Wed Dec 28 My mate used to work as airport security and something like that actually happened when he was working with some security lifer who was all jovial all the time. Family came through and one of the children was really scared, so they asked this guy who was doing the scanning if he could speak to the kid. So he said 'I hear you're a little nervous' and the boy said 'yes, I've never flown before'. 'Don't worry, neither has the pilot' said the security guard... The parents lodged a formal complaint against him and he got a disciplinary for it. That's probably the biggest joke!"

[Eddie B]

"I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank alot and his wife said ""if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you"". He went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend ""If I go home like this my wife will leave me"". His friend said ""I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill."". He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says ""No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill"". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said ""Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?"", he said ""Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants""."

[Westside]

"and the ""Why did Andrew Ridgely have a chocolate stain on his arse?"" Because George Micheel had a Careless Wispa"

[Willtell]

"Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too..."

[Willtell]

"Dentist: ""This will hurt a little.""ù Patient: ""OK.""ù Dentist: ""I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Shame George has gone...killed the old joke stone dead Q .What's the similarity between George Michael and wellington boots? A. They both get pulled off in bogs....

[ted fenton]

"HEART WARMING STORY Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, ""You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"" One day, Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Birmingham . Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Donald Trump"

[Helmut Shown]

What did Alan Rickman get for Christmas? George Michael

[Willtell]

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!

[Willtell]

"I was in a restaurant and I realised I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. As I finished my coffee, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod..."

[Mirkwood]

Its to soon for a lorry joke right?

[JAC]

When I lived in Singapore in 2002 there was a coffee shop on Bukit Timan called HE-BREWS/SHE-BREWS

[Mad Dog]

Christmas is a lot like sex these days. The build up is great but as soon as it comes I regret spending all that money.