THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Saul Bollox]

"What do a West Indian lady with an unwanted pregnancy, and a person who wants to succeed have in common. They both need de temination"

[Briano]

Bloke goes into W.H.Smiths and says 'have you got that new book about penis enlargement?' Girl behind the counter says 'I don't think it's in yet' Fellow replies 'that's the one'

[ted fenton]

"Not really a joke but so very true !!!!! A left wing politician, a TV reporter and an SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying! The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists! The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun? ""Because"" said the trooper; ""When we get back to the UK, I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack""!!"

[Saul Bollox]

"The listed building facade of St Pancras is being turned into a registry office for people who want to be married above their station. Why did the pervert cross the road? To fuck the chicken. What do you get if you take out an Irishman's brain and cover it with sugar? Sweet fuck all. My wife said if I don't give up fishing she'll leave me. I will miss her. What's the difference between a spurs fan and a bucket of shit? The bucket. An Irish jew's son said to his dad: ""You will be proud of me Dad, I saved two quid by running home behind the bus. His Dad gave him a slap and said: ""Why didn't you save a tenner and run home behind a taxi."""

[Coffee]

"Wayne was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Wayne tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne. 'What's in the bag?' asked the old man. Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.' The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: 'Good trade...'"

[JonWHUFC]

"Man walks into a cafe and sees a sign that says Ham Rolls 10p, Cheese Rolls 20p, Wanks 50p. He rings the bell and this stunning blonde comes out from the back, long legs, voluptuous body, huge breasts and drop dead gorgeous big red lips. He says to her ""hello treacle, are you the one who does the wanks?""ù to which she replies with a saucy wink ""Yes honey, that's me""ù so he says ""Good, go and wash your hands coz I want two cheese rolls""ù"

[Coffee]

"Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. ""Kenny,"" he says. ""And what is your question, Kenny?"" she asks. ""I have three questions,"" he says. ""First -- what happened in Benghazi? ""Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ""Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?""ù Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, ""Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?""ù A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. ""Johnny,"" he says. ""What is your question, Johnny?"" she asks. ""I have five questions,"" he says. ""First -- what happened in Benghazi? ""Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ""Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? ""Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 21 minutes early? ""And, fifth -- where's Kenny?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Paddy was asked if he preferred breasts or legs - he said he liked shaved fannies best but was told that wasn't an option when ordering a KFC Bargain Bucket

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Rogets Thesaurus reigns/ rules/ governs,OK"

[penners28]

"The first rule of thesaurus club: You don't talk, articulate, chat, discuss, mention or vocalise about thesaurus club."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"fella went on a cruise and the boat sank...he was washed up on a desert island surrounded by packing cases and the general flotsam a shipwreck creates. He finds a tiny blonde woman lying in the shallows,barely alive. He gets her out of the sea and brings her round using kiss of life etc. He builds a fire and gets her warm and dry - over the firelight,he realises that she's Kylie Minogue ! He's nurses her back to health with fish he's caught along with vegetables and fruit he's foraged. they fall in love and spend every moment laughing ,swimming and making love. One day she says "" I love you so much,you've saved my life and I'd do anything for you"" So he gets an old suitcase and gets a pile of small mens clothes out...""Would you dress up in these for me?"" She thinks it strange but does it anyway and is standing there with shirt,trousers ,jacket and hat on. ""Now,I want you to walk around the island anti clockwise "" She sets off and once she's out of sight,he sets off clockwise. A couple of hours later .they meet. ""Mate !!"" he shouts...""You'll never believe who I'm shagging!"

[ted fenton]

I hate it when I get skin on my rice pudding. But that's Psoriasis for you.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time

[the_bigot]

What's got six eyes and yet still can't see? Three blind mice

[ted fenton]

Aalborg I told my dad that in the 70's and he didn't know what a Harris was !!!!

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What do you call a girl who's had an operation on her piles?? A. Anita Harris

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why did they make the 50 pence piece 7 sided ? So you can use a spanner to get it out of a Scotsman's hand

[Willtell]

"Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake,"" she whispered. Hush, my love,"" he said. ""Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."" She was insistent. ""Jake,"" she said in her tired voice. "" I have something I must confess to you."" ""There's nothing to confess,"" replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."" ""No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."" ""I know,"" he replied. ""That's why I poisoned you."""

[Any Old Iron]

kenyahammer 7:56 Thu Feb 23 That's the best joke of the lot.

[Willtell]

"A negro boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, ""Look Mama, I'm a white boy!""ù His mother smacks him and says, ""Go tell your Daddy what you just said!""ù The boy finds his father and says, ""Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!""ù His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, ""Now, what do you have to say for yourself?""ù The boy replies, ""I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate all you black people!""ù"

[ted fenton]

"The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. ""What happened?"" she asked anxiously. ""What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"" ""Calm down, calm down!"" said his mother-in-law. ""There's something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."" A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, ""I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."""

[Willtell]

kenyahammer Right mate. The girlfriend is exactly like the guys mother and the father hates her.... ...because she's like the mother. Oh FMOB I can't be arsed!

[Alex G]

"kenyahammer 7:56 Thu Feb 23 I got it no problem. Kind of felt like a joke from the 70s, but understood it no problem."

[claret50]

"kenyahammer 7:56 Thu Feb 23 Nothing left out mate, it's all there."

[kenyahammer]

"Willtell, no problem with your earlier jokes but that last one the 6.58 offering, did you leave part of it out or unfinished if not I cant see the joke, I feel like the punchline is missing perhaps?"