THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It was New Years' eve and a bloke was watching telly..there was a knock at the door.When he answered it,there was a snail which said ""Happy New Year!!"" He kicked the snail as hard as he could down the garden...the Next New years eve and the bloke gets another knock at the door and it's the same snail.The snail says ""What did you do that for??"""

[claret on my shirt]

"The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.' The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'"

[The Stoat]

I was at the Job Centre and asked about a vacancy at a factory where they make moisturiser. They told me to apply daily

[Willtell]

"A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' ""My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A farmer goes to market every Thursday ...he's a creature of habit so he normally has a few beers,visits the market and then to the cinema as it was OAP day so he got in cheap. This particular week,he went to the pub as usual but then saw a fine cockerel for sale in the market at a bargain price. He was then in a dilemma how to go to the cinema with this great big rooster. He stuffed it down his coat and got in. The girl sitting next to him turns to her boyfriend says ""The bloke next to me has got his cock out"" The boyfriend says ""So have I"" ""I know"" she says ""but yours ain't eating my popcorn"""

[ray winstone]

"I mentioned to a girl at work that her painted eyebrows looked weird, she looked surprised...."

[lab]

Ag !that's good.

[Willtell]

"As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ""I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."" ""In that case,"" said the patient, ""I'll come back when you're sober."""

[lab]

"Well if we're doing sick ones . . . . .little boy shagging his sister, he says ere you're a better shag than mum , she says I know dad already told me ."

[les marteaux]

How do you know when Mum's having a period? Dad's cock tastes different.

[Willtell]

"Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, ""It's the chemist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."" Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, ""Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of 10p's against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the 10p's - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back into a showcase of perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"""

[claret on my shirt]

"Got pulled over by the police..Police: ""Turn around"" Me: ""Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"" Police: ""Turn around"" Me: ""Bright eye's"" That's when I got tasered."

[claret on my shirt]

"The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet. ""Just slide your finger between the flaps"", she suggested. That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance"

[bigst]

"Completely wasted a tenner on a pay-per-view film last night. Turns out ""Katie Price- My dribbling cսnt"" was just a video of Harvey's birthday party"

[claret on my shirt]

"A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, ""I'm pregnant"" He asks, ""How did this happen my child?"" She says, ""I think it must be the second coming! The priest, shocked by this reply asks, ""What makes you think it is the second coming?"" She replies, ""Because I swallowed the first!"

[Willtell]

"At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from Australia stood up: ""At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb dinner for us."" The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: ""After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."" The crowd cheered. The third speaker from East London stood up: ""After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."""

[Willtell]

"A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. ""I don't want to know!"" the child said, bursting into tears. ""Promise me you won't tell me."" Confused, the father asked what was wrong ""Oh dad,"" the boy sobbed, ""when I was 6 I got the ""there's no Santa"" speech. At 7, I got the ""there's no Easter Bunny"" speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the ""there's no tooth fairy"" speech. IF you're telling me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."""

[Willtell]

"A child asked his father, ""How were people first born?"" So his father said, ""Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."" The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, ""We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."" The child ran back to his father and said, ""You lied to me!"" His father replied, ""No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."""

[Willtell]

"An company manager had a business with money problems. He decided he had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee that came late into work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. So then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager jumped up to her and said, ""Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."" Jill replied ""Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."""

[frank marker]

Stoat :-)

[The_Phantom]

"A couple are on holiday in Holland and whilst shopping, pause outside a pet shop. In the window is a kitten next to a sign ""Genuine Amsterdam Breed"". The lady , a real cat enthusiast, is extremely curious about it, especially as she'd never heard of cats being bred in Holland before. So she sends her husband in enquire. He approaches the assistant and says ""Ere mate, how Dutch is that moggie in the window ?"""

[boleyn8420]

We have a beautiful little girl that we named after my mum. In fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turn 5 tomorrow

[Helmut Shown]

Did you hear about the Millwall supporter who had a boil on his bum? He stuck the plaster on the mirror

[The Stoat]

"I thought I would try something different at the Indian restaurant, so I had a pelican madras it was very tasty .... but the bill was enormous!"

[claret on my shirt]

"When a Lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say ""Congratulations"" But none of them come over and touch a man's knob and say 'well done '!"