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THE joke threads (part 5)

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Mad Dog
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THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Mad Dog »

Usual rules apply
Willtell
Posts: 720
Old WHO Number: 224238

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Willtell »

"A beautiful girl goes into a bar. She says, ""Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."" He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down and passes out. So being opportunists all the men in the bar fuck her while she's unconscious. The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, ""Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."" He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk so everybody in the bar fucks her again. The next night, she walks into the bar and says, ""Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."" He says, ""I thought you always drank Jack Daniel's?"" She says, ""Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my cսnt real sore in the mornings."""
penners28
Posts: 7

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post penners28 »

a topical joke from back in the day... knock knock whose there OJ OJ who? well you can go on the jury then!
claret on my shirt
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post claret on my shirt »

"Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him ""Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday."
ian.d.canio
Posts: 0

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post ian.d.canio »

"Man walks into Library Q) Have you any books on shelves ? A) All of them! Q) Have you any books on customer relations? A) I don't know or care so fuck off! Q) Do you have any books on Libraries ] A} I'm not sure but you could look on the ROOF Q) Have you any Books on Books A) Yes - there's a pile over there Q) Do you have any books on amnesia? A) ""Sorry what did you say ?"" Q) Have you any books on erh ??? don't worry its completely gone! Q) Do you have any books on Floors? A) No Sir they are all on Shelves Q) Do you have any Books on Turtles and Tortoises ? A) Certainly Sir there over there in the Hardback Section"
Willtell
Posts: 720
Old WHO Number: 224238

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Willtell »

"There was a preacher who was an avid golfer although he wasn't that good. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession to keep trying to improve his game. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours away to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ""Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."" God nodded in agreement. ""How shall we punish him?"" The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and very excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, ""I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."" God smiled. ""Think about it. Who can he tell about his first hole-in-one?"""
Trevor B
Posts: 91

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Trevor B »

"I am bereft of ribs, truly."
ian.d.canio
Posts: 0

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post ian.d.canio »

Let me finish Chow Chow Mein Peckanise duck Meat Lassie Poodle Noddle Shitsu Curry Terrier Aki Akita tika Shar Pai rice And for the English option Shepherds Dog Pie
Trevor B
Posts: 91

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Trevor B »

"Fuck me, that's the funniest thing I've ever head ian....."
ian.d.canio
Posts: 0

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post ian.d.canio »

Our new Korean Restaurant has just been shut down by the local health inspectors ! They were alerted by the flyers posted thro our neighbourhood doors 52Collie Flour dim sum
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ray winstone
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post ray winstone »

It's the way I tell em..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns5AJK9qStM
Briano
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Briano »

"Two scientists walk into a bar. ""I'll have an H2O,"" says the first. ""I'll have an H2O too,"" says the second. The second man dies."
Willtell
Posts: 720
Old WHO Number: 224238

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Willtell »

"A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:- ""Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."" ""You foul-mouthed swine,"" retorted the lady indignantly. ""In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public. You filthy perverts!"" ""Hey, coola down lady,"" said the man. ""Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella ""Mississippi""!"
BubblesCyprus
Posts: 28
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post BubblesCyprus »

"An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool. The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre"
Zion
Posts: 0

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Zion »

"I've just finished reading a psychology book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but then I really got into it."
Willtell
Posts: 720
Old WHO Number: 224238

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Willtell »

"A man in his 40's bought a new BMW 440 and was out on the road for a nice evening drive. The window was open and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up to see what she'd do. As the needle jumped up to over 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. ""There's no way they can catch a BMW 440"" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. ""What the hell am I doing? I'm a respectable citizen and not a teenager any more"" he thought and pulled over. The police pulled in behind him, got out and walked up to him. He asked for his license and insurance documents and studied them and the new BMW 440 car. ""It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your outrageous driving that I haven't heard before and makes me smile, you can go as long as you agree to obey the limits in future."" The guy thinks for a second and says, ""Last week my wife ran off with a police officer. I was afraid you were him and trying to give her back."" ""Have a nice weekend,"" said the officer."
Mad Dog
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Mad Dog »

Breaking news. A lorry carrying voodoo dolls has overturned on the m6. 5000 feared dead.
Willtell
Posts: 720
Old WHO Number: 224238

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Willtell »

"A man walking down the street spots a sign outside a house that reads ""Talking Dog for Sale.""ù Intrigued, he knocks, meets the dog owner agrees to ask the dog some questions to test his speech. ""So what have you done with your life?""ù he asks the dog. ""I've led a very full life,""ù says the dog. ""I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in the Iraq war and won medals for bravery. And now I spend my days reading books to the residents of a retirement home.""ù The man is flabbergasted and asks the dog's owner, ""Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?""ù The owner says, ""Because he's a fcuking liar! He never did any of that!""ù"
cheeses cruyf
Posts: 28

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post cheeses cruyf »

"I passed a Romanian beggar in the street today. He said, ""Any change?"" I told him. No, I'm still working my arse off earning a crust to make ends meet, whilst you, are still sitting in your own piss scrounging."
Willtell
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Old WHO Number: 224238

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Willtell »

"A teacher asks her class, ""If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ""None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"" The teacher replies, ""The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."" Then, Little Johnny says ""I have a question for you Miss. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied ""Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"" To which LittleJohnny replied, ""The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."""
claret on my shirt
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post claret on my shirt »

"Why CanÔøΩt Anybody Satisfy A Woman Completely....? Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Of Gold, Decorated With Diamonds And Ejaculates Cash. Last night I left the bedroom window open and a mosquito bit my wrist, which swelled up three times it's normal size. Tonight I'm leaving my cock hanging out my pyjamas. Son says too dad,i'm gay.Dad says too other son,what about you?Son says i'm gay to.Dad says ain't there anybody in this fuckin family that likes fanny?..Daughter says...I do!!"
Mirkwood
Posts: 2

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Mirkwood »

That snail joke is bloody funny...lol
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ray winstone
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post ray winstone »

"Couple a Thai birds asked me to sleep with them, said it'd be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had 6 matching balls!"
ted fenton
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post ted fenton »

"THE TAXMAN COMETH At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi... 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick"
Mad Dog
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Mad Dog »

"Interviewer ""describe yourself in 3 words Me ""lazy"""
Far East Hammer
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Post Far East Hammer »

The reason I like Facebook is because the ladies like being followed. Unlike little miss fucking restraining order down the street...
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