THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: ""Look, it's not the same hat."" ""Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."" ""Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on an upturned boat in the middle of the ocean with the parrot his only companion. The magician stared at the parrot with hate and the parrot thought he'd best keep quiet so did not utter a word. This went on for a while and after a few days the parrot said: ""OK, I give up. How'd you make the fcuking ship disappear?"""

[Willtell]

"A lad had a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, ""Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo."" The next day, the lad was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, ""Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!"" The lad replied, ""I did and today I'm taking him to the cinema."""

[Dave Boozle]

Sigurdsson has only joined Everton as Rooney asked for a Gilf to service him.

[Willtell]

"Nice one Ted. A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a pint of milk, a carton of 6 eggs, orange juice, and a pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, ""You must be single."" The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, ""Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that? The drunk said, ""Cause you're uglier 'n shit."""

[ted fenton]

"I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C. I'm on the highway to Hull!"

[Willtell]

Not if she was short penners...

[penners28]

Wouldnt the w be further down on her belly rather than her chest?

[Willtell]

"A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ""H"" outlined on her chest. ""How did you get that mark on your chest?"" asks the doctor. ""Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,"" she replied. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ""Y"" on her chest. ""How did you get that mark on your chest?"" asks the doctor. ""Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,"" she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ""M"" on her chest. ""Do you have a boyfriend at Manchester?"" asks the doctor. ""No, but I have a girlfriend at Wolverhampton. Why do you ask?"""

[Willtell]

"An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ""There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear."" Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. ""Now you must do the same,"" he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. ""Second,"" the professor continued, ""you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I bought a take-away Chinese the other night - I got in the car, looked in the brown bag and there was a pair of brown eyes looking back at me - I went back into the restaurant and told him.he said ""It must be the Peeking duck!!"""

[Poplar Iron]

Knock Knock Who's there Britney... Britney who... Knock Knock Who's there Britney... Whoops I did it again...!

[Willtell]

"A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, ""What can I get for you?"" The man says ""I'll have a beer"", the ostrich says, ""I'll have a beer"", and the cat says, ""I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."" So the bartender says, ""OK, that will be £11.87."" The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, ""What'll you guys have?"" The man says, ""I'll have a beer"", the ostrich says, ""I'll have a beer"", and the cat says ""I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."" The bartender gets them their beer and says ""That'll be £11.87"" The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks ""What do you guys want today?"" The man says, ""I'll have a scotch"", the ostrich says, ""I'll have a bourbon"", and the cat says, ""I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."" So the bartender says ""OK, that will be £10.53."" The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, ""Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"" The man said, ""I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."" The bartender says, ""That's a great wish...better than asking for a million pounds. A million pounds will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"" The man says, ""That's where I screwed up. The Genie was actually a woman and I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy..."""

[simon.s]

"My bird decided to wear a spurs shirt for a week, to see what sort of reaction she'd get. So far she's been punched, kicked, and spat at. God knows what will happen when she leaves the house......."

[The Stoat]

"What's the difference between a tramp and an MP? One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society. The other's a tramp"

[Willtell]

"A man was walking along Southend beach and saw an old, discarded lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said ""OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, ""I've always wanted to go to Spain but, I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Spain so I can drive over there?"" The genie laughed and said, ""That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Atlantic and around France? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish! That's too much trouble!"" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, ""I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying, know what they really want when I ask what's wrong and they say, 'nothing'. I want to know how to make them truly happy."" The genie said, ""You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"""

[Mad Dog]

"What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don't know, don't care"

[ted fenton]

"A man walks in to a bar and sits next to a man with a dog to the side of him, the man asks 'does your dog bite?' and the man says 'no' so the man goes to stroke it but he pulls away because the dog went to bite his hand off, the man says 'i thought you said your dog doesn't bite' and the man replies 'it's not my dog'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

I have launched a new book aimed at 10-12 year olds Very pleased I actually managed to hit one yesterday.

[Noah]

Ag!

[mtchammer]

"Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary... If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere."

[Willtell]

"A beautiful girl goes into a bar. She says, ""Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."" He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down and passes out. So being opportunists all the men in the bar fuck her while she's unconscious. The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, ""Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."" He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk so everybody in the bar fucks her again. The next night, she walks into the bar and says, ""Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."" He says, ""I thought you always drank Jack Daniel's?"" She says, ""Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my cսnt real sore in the mornings."""

[penners28]

a topical joke from back in the day... knock knock whose there OJ OJ who? well you can go on the jury then!

[claret on my shirt]

"Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him ""Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday."

[ian.d.canio]

"Man walks into Library Q) Have you any books on shelves ? A) All of them! Q) Have you any books on customer relations? A) I don't know or care so fuck off! Q) Do you have any books on Libraries ] A} I'm not sure but you could look on the ROOF Q) Have you any Books on Books A) Yes - there's a pile over there Q) Do you have any books on amnesia? A) ""Sorry what did you say ?"" Q) Have you any books on erh ??? don't worry its completely gone! Q) Do you have any books on Floors? A) No Sir they are all on Shelves Q) Do you have any Books on Turtles and Tortoises ? A) Certainly Sir there over there in the Hardback Section"

[Willtell]

"There was a preacher who was an avid golfer although he wasn't that good. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession to keep trying to improve his game. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours away to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ""Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."" God nodded in agreement. ""How shall we punish him?"" The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and very excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, ""I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."" God smiled. ""Think about it. Who can he tell about his first hole-in-one?"""