THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

"E12Hammer went to the hardware store and said ""I'd like to buy some nails"". The storekeeper asked ""How long do you want them?"". E12Hammer said, ""Well, I'd like to keep them really."""

[Willtell]

Why two or was that a joke too?

[E12Hammer]

"Fucking hell Willtell, who made you the laughter police. I got it, I chuckled. Job done."

[Chip Shop Charlie]

mtchammer 4:01 Wed Nov 29 I liked it two

[Willtell]

"Easily pleased obviously but never mind, just try a little harder next time mtc...."

[mtchammer]

What can I say? It made me laugh...

[madeeasy]

Willtell 4:24 Wed Nov 29 As with all comedy its all in the delivery...this one didn't

[Willtell]

"Check one two, check one two, check one two maybe but... It's not - I also have a Czech one two, I also have a Czech one two, I also have a Czech one two"

[madeeasy]

"sniper, i have and get it. i just don't get how that's funny or even a try at being funny. very strange"

[The_Phantom]

mtchammer 4:01 Wed Nov 29 made me chuckle too

[Sniper]

"I'm with Trevor - that's far from the worst one on here If you don't get it, you clearly haven't ever seen a band or anyone using a mic setting up"

[Willtell]

Go on then Trevor explain what's so funny please?

[Trevor B]

mtchammer 4:01 Wed Nov 29 Very good mate ;-)

[Willtell]

madeeasy 1:52 I'm glad you asked as I'm still trying to work out why that mtchammer post is on the joke thread!!!!

[Queens Fish Bar]

"This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some error during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. ""Bloody hell!"" he moaned, ""This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"" ""Of course you will,"" one of the doctors soothed, ""It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."""

[madeeasy]

mtchammer what the fuck is that meant to be?

[mtchammer]

"I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band. I have a Czech one too, I have a Czech one too, I have a Czech one too."

[Bungo]

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

[ted fenton]

"Just got this text:- Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out? :-((("

[Queens Fish Bar]

CAPITAL LETTERS The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[cheeses cruyf]

"Just heard that doctors have found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse"

[ted fenton]

"Jamie Oliver came into my garden centre today. ""Thugs have destroyed my lettuces,"" he said. ""That's disgusting. Have you called the police?"" I asked. ""No, I was just thinking of putting thum thug pellets down."""

[cheeses cruyf]

"They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen"

[Willtell]

Excellent!

[Mirkwood]

"One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her suggestively. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself when the man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. ""Why are you stopping darling?"" she whispered. He whispered back, ""I found the remote!"""