THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Briano]

"A Brummie goes into a menswear shop, he tries his suit on and agrees to take it. As the shop assistant is wrapping it up he says 'would you like a Kipper Tie with that sir' 'Ooh yes please, milk and two sugars'"

[Willtell]

Actually Swiss it was funny when I first heard it and then told it on here years ago....

[Swiss.]

Now Willtell that's a funny joke. Although the Rodeo joke mad me slightly chuckle. Did you lose the Bob Monkhouse joke book? You silly old fool.

[Swiss.]

"Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman compare pubs ""As good as this bar is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."" ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Irishman, ""back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, ""C'mon. Did this actually happen to you?"" ""Not to meself, personally, no,"" admitted the Irishman, ""but it did happen to me sister quite a few times""."

[Willtell]

"Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.. One says ""I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."" I don't think I have ever heard of that one:, says the other cowboy, ""what is it""?"" ""Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, ""Boy, these feel just like your sister's - then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."""

[ted fenton]

"A LARGE WOMAN, WEARING A SLEEVELESS SUN DRESS, WALKED INTO A BAR IN DUBLIN. SHE RAISED HER RIGHT ARM, REVEALING A HUGE, HAIRY ARMPIT. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ""What man here will buy this lass a drink?"" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ""Pour the ballerina adrink!"" THE BARTENDER POURED THE DRINK AND THE WOMAN CHUGGED IT DOWN. SHE TURNED TO THE PATRONS AND AGAIN POINTED AROUND AT ALL OF THEM, REVEALING THE SAME HAIRY ARMPIT, AND ASKED, ""What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?"" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ""Give the ballerina another drink!"" THE BARTENDER APPROACHED THE DRUNK AND SAID, ""TELL ME, PADDY, IT'S YOUR BUSINESS IF YOU WANT TO BUY THE LADY A DRINK, But why do you keep calling her a 'ballerina'?"" The drunk replied...""Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!"""

[cheeses cruyf]

A woman with a clipboard just knocked on our door and asked if we would have a refugee for Christmas. We normally have turkey but I'll try anything once

[FruityBoots.]

"I used to with anorexic twins, two birds one stone."

[Mirkwood]

"I know we car owners are responsible, but this is a warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends after work. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then topped it off with a couple of jaegerbombs. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before... I left my car in town and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise.. I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from."

[ted fenton]

"On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, ""We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, ""We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" The good wife went out and moved her car again. A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, ""We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, ""I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"" Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, ""Why don't you just leave the f....ing car in the garage this time?"""

[Mirkwood]

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

[cheeses cruyf]

"Went for a Chinese last night. The fortune cookie said ""every exit is an entrance""ù Long story short, missus said no."

[jakehammer]

"Aalborg and queens, you get my jokers of the week award. you had me giggling like a fucking schoolgirl. AG AG."

[IsaacHock]

"Given that this is a written medium via which I am sharing a partially physical joke, I will provide bracket notations for the physical actions to be taken. Q. What did the Chinese Pirate say to the woman? (Pull your eyes from the sides outwards to effect a squinty eye look) A. NUFFING. HE TOO BUSY FRYING THE PRANE!"

[chim chim cha boo]

"claret on my shirt 3:03 Thu Dec 14 I've always thought it's cruel to give starving, hungry homeless people soup. Everyone knows soup is a starter."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes into a Fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm. He says ""Do you sell fishcakes??"" ""Yes,we do"" says the bloke ""Oh good,it's his birthday"""

[claret on my shirt]

"I've been trying to do my part this Christmas and volunteer at a soup kitchen to help feed the homeless. They don't seem very grateful though, especially when it's time for them leave at night and I hustle them out saying, ""Come on, some of us have homes to go to."""

[claret on my shirt]

"My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason..."

[claret on my shirt]

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cսnt.' I suppose she has a point. I should really make an effort to learn her mother's real name...

[Mirkwood]

Made me chuckle that one...lol

[Queens Fish Bar]

"I mer a girl at a party on Saturday. I said ""you remind me of my little toe"" She said ""what small and cute?"" I said ""No, its because I will bang you on the table when I'm pissed"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

".....and then, God created the orgasm , so women can moan even when they're happy.."

[Coffee]

Queens Fish Bar 3:56 Sun Dec 10 Ha ha ha!

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who she copped off with last night. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves. ""You lying toad"" she yells ""last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"" ""No"" he says ""I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"""

[penners28]

the coming of gary 5:10 Tue Dec 5 you missed the rest of the joke off...they follow 6 people called herb and the 5 spice girls. 11 herbs and spices...