THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Swiss.]

very topical Ray

[ray winstone]

Good job it's the shortest day of the year; I'm more tired than Damien Green's right hand....

[Swiss.]

Aalborg. LOL The winner again.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk ""Do you have any grapes?"" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks ""Do you have any grapes?"" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks ""Do you have any grapes?"" The clerk screams at the duck ""You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every **** time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your **** webbed feet to the floor!!"" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked ""Do you have any nails?"" The clerk replied ""No"" and the duck said ""Good! Got any grapes?"""

[JMB]

"A young Arab boy asks his father ""What is that strange hat The father said: ""Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun. ""And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?""ù asked the boy. ""Oh, my son!""ù exclaimed the father ""It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing, my djbellah protects the entire body,""ù The son then asked: ""But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?""ù ""These are 'babouches' my son,""ù the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.""ù ""So tell me then,"" added the boy. ""Yes, my son."" ""Why are we living in Manchester and still wearing all this crap?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? Both get to smell it,neither get to eat it"

[Willtell]

"Three nurses are working late at a hospital and notice a handsome dead guy in his hospital bed. The one thing they notice is that he has a huge erection locked in place even though he was dead. The red head nurse says ""Oh I can't let that go to waste..."" so she hitches her dress up and rides him to satisfaction. The brunette nurse says the same thing ""I can't let that go to waste either and who would know?"" so she also hitches her dress up and rides him to orgasm. The blond nurse is having second thoughts due to her having her period, but after looking at him she says ""Sod it!"" and hitches her dress up and also rides him. Just as she finishes herself off the man stirs and gets off the bed and all three nurses screamed in fright ""We thought you were dead!"" He replies ""Thanks for that. I had died and was going to heaven but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I suddenly feel great!"""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

"met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."

[Briano]

"A Brummie goes into a menswear shop, he tries his suit on and agrees to take it. As the shop assistant is wrapping it up he says 'would you like a Kipper Tie with that sir' 'Ooh yes please, milk and two sugars'"

[Willtell]

Actually Swiss it was funny when I first heard it and then told it on here years ago....

[Swiss.]

Now Willtell that's a funny joke. Although the Rodeo joke mad me slightly chuckle. Did you lose the Bob Monkhouse joke book? You silly old fool.

[Swiss.]

"Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman compare pubs ""As good as this bar is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."" ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Irishman, ""back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, ""C'mon. Did this actually happen to you?"" ""Not to meself, personally, no,"" admitted the Irishman, ""but it did happen to me sister quite a few times""."

[Willtell]

"Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.. One says ""I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."" I don't think I have ever heard of that one:, says the other cowboy, ""what is it""?"" ""Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, ""Boy, these feel just like your sister's - then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."""

[ted fenton]

"A LARGE WOMAN, WEARING A SLEEVELESS SUN DRESS, WALKED INTO A BAR IN DUBLIN. SHE RAISED HER RIGHT ARM, REVEALING A HUGE, HAIRY ARMPIT. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ""What man here will buy this lass a drink?"" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ""Pour the ballerina adrink!"" THE BARTENDER POURED THE DRINK AND THE WOMAN CHUGGED IT DOWN. SHE TURNED TO THE PATRONS AND AGAIN POINTED AROUND AT ALL OF THEM, REVEALING THE SAME HAIRY ARMPIT, AND ASKED, ""What man here will buy this lass ANOTHER drink?"" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ""Give the ballerina another drink!"" THE BARTENDER APPROACHED THE DRUNK AND SAID, ""TELL ME, PADDY, IT'S YOUR BUSINESS IF YOU WANT TO BUY THE LADY A DRINK, But why do you keep calling her a 'ballerina'?"" The drunk replied...""Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!"""

[cheeses cruyf]

A woman with a clipboard just knocked on our door and asked if we would have a refugee for Christmas. We normally have turkey but I'll try anything once

[FruityBoots.]

"I used to with anorexic twins, two birds one stone."

[Mirkwood]

"I know we car owners are responsible, but this is a warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends after work. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then topped it off with a couple of jaegerbombs. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before... I left my car in town and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise.. I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from."

[ted fenton]

"On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, ""We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, ""We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."" The good wife went out and moved her car again. A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, ""We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, ""I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"" Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, ""Why don't you just leave the f....ing car in the garage this time?"""

[Mirkwood]

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

[cheeses cruyf]

"Went for a Chinese last night. The fortune cookie said ""every exit is an entrance""ù Long story short, missus said no."

[jakehammer]

"Aalborg and queens, you get my jokers of the week award. you had me giggling like a fucking schoolgirl. AG AG."

[IsaacHock]

"Given that this is a written medium via which I am sharing a partially physical joke, I will provide bracket notations for the physical actions to be taken. Q. What did the Chinese Pirate say to the woman? (Pull your eyes from the sides outwards to effect a squinty eye look) A. NUFFING. HE TOO BUSY FRYING THE PRANE!"

[chim chim cha boo]

"claret on my shirt 3:03 Thu Dec 14 I've always thought it's cruel to give starving, hungry homeless people soup. Everyone knows soup is a starter."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke goes into a Fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm. He says ""Do you sell fishcakes??"" ""Yes,we do"" says the bloke ""Oh good,it's his birthday"""

[claret on my shirt]

"I've been trying to do my part this Christmas and volunteer at a soup kitchen to help feed the homeless. They don't seem very grateful though, especially when it's time for them leave at night and I hustle them out saying, ""Come on, some of us have homes to go to."""