THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married"

[Helmut Shown]

"A labourer goes to the doctor and says ""you""ve got to help me I haven't shit for two weeks"" The doctor says ""take your trouser and pants off and bend over the table, I'll examine you"" He looks up his arse and says ""I think I can see the problem, I'll just stick this instrument in your rectum"" All of a sudden there is an explosion of shit covering the doctor and his desk. ""Oh I'm so sorry doc I couldnt help it."" Says the labourer The doctor says ""thats ok, but when you're back on site please don't wipe your arse on old cement bags any more"""

[ray winstone]

"I saw Zaha in town today. I said, Can you sign my shirt? He said, Have you got a pen? I said, Shit, no. Hang on. With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry. He said, How's that going to get a pen? I said, Well that's how you Fucking do it."

[ray winstone]

"When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, ""Fucking brilliant!"" Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order. Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene............"

[Aalborg Hammer]

How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.

[JonWHUFC]

It was so cold at Anfield last night that the Scousers had to put their hands in their own pockets!

[Aalborg Hammer]

Not see a scouser this excited over one leg.............. since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills

[Jasnik]

Hey Ted who is this Jay bloke?

[Keep dreaming]

Here's a bad joke David Sullivan

[Keep dreaming]

Lol

[lab]

A skoda .?

[Keep dreaming]

"Lab, what plane has windows you can wind down?"

[lab]

"As the England team get off the plane for the world cup in Russia ...pilot winds the window down ...... ""shall I keep the engine running lads...?"""

[Willtell]

Well you said you were from Pakistani origins. Either way it doesn't matter but it's important to put your anti-British stance into perspective...

[Swiss.]

Willtell I thought I was Banglasheshi? Make your mind up you senile old fool.

[Willtell]

Says the Pakistani pretending to be Swiss...

[Swiss.]

racists

[lab]

"Well it reminds me of the nurse that approaches a white fella with a black baby asking "" could this be yours"".? He replies probably she burns everything else."

[ted fenton]

I know Trevor old but gold :-)

[Trevor B]

Ted that joke must be nearly as old as you!

[ted fenton]

"My wife just gave birth. The doctor came out of the delivery room ""Congratulations Mr Jay, you're the father of four strapping boys"" ""Four?"" I replied ""That doesn't surprise me, i've got a dick like a chimney"" ""Well you want to get it swept"" He said ""They're all black"""

[Mr Kenzo]

"A Russian Spy an IRA Supporter and a racist walks into a pub, ""What are you drinking Mr Corbyn"" asks the barman"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Stormy Daniels said they had an affair.Trump says they didn't Who are you going to believe?The fake blonde with big tits or Stormy Daniels?

[Aalborg Hammer]

"At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. ""In fact,"" he pointed out, ""some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."" After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, ""Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"" ""Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?"" asked the couple. ""Because I'm the guy who painted it,"" he replied. ""In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."""

[claret on my shirt]

What did the gay guy do when he missed his boyfriend? He shit in his hand and had a wank. What are the first symptoms of Aids? A pounding sensation in the arse.