THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mad Dog]

Why do beea stay in their hives in winter? Swarm

[Mad Dog]

"Dickens. ""It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"" Schroedinger ""nice, nice"""

[Pee Wee]

"A Tale Of Two Cities was originally serialised in two Midlands local papers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times."

[riosleftsock]

"This year if it snows, I will be the first out there in the snow showing my family how to celebrate our modern values. I will be building the biggest snowPERSON that Saffron Walden has ever seen. I'm saving up a humungous carrot to use as its cock."

[Briano]

"üòàüòá Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, ""Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."" Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,"" Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, ""Mike--Mike."" ""Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. ""Who is it?"" ""Mike--it's me, Joe."" ""You're not Joe. Joe just died!"" ""I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"" insists the voice."" ""Joe! Where are you?"" ""In heaven"", replies Joe. ""I have some really good news and a little bad news."" ""Tell me the good news first,"" says Mike. ""The good news,"" Joe says,"" is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"" That's fantastic,"" says Mike. ""It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? ""You're in the team for this Saturday ""ò"

[lab]

And I feel I can post that as it is no worse than previous posts .

[lab]

What's the difference between a Muslim woman and a sardine ? One is greasy and oily with big bulging eyes the other is a fish.

[joe royal]

"😂😂😂😂.This is Quality. There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office."

[ted fenton]

My Kids keep taking the piss out of my Alzheimer's Won't be so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and there's no Eggs under the flaming bonfire.

[Helmut Shown]

"There are two sparrows sitting on an overhead telephone cable. One says to the other ""do you find the long words tickle your feet"""

[Bungo]

"Do you think it's possible to wank yourself to death? Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. Why didn't Barbie ever get pregnant? A. 'Cos Ken always came in a different box

[Son of Sam]

joe royal 10:01 Tue Oct 23 proper jokes

[The Stoat]

yogib 7:37 Fri Oct 26 Firstly: Whoops never read it Secondly: Up Yours !!

[yogib]

Joe royal posted that yesterday - 0/10 for effort stoaty

[The Stoat]

"A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends 15k and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ÔøΩI hope you donÔøΩt mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?ÔøΩ. ÔøΩAbout 32,ÔøΩ is the reply.ÔøΩ ÔøΩNope! IÔøΩm exactly 50,ÔøΩ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonaldÔøΩs and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ÔøΩIÔøΩd guess about 29.ÔøΩ The woman replies with a big smile, ÔøΩNope, IÔøΩm 50.ÔøΩ Now sheÔøΩs feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ÔøΩOh, IÔøΩd say 30.ÔøΩ Again she proudly responds, ÔøΩIÔøΩm 50, but thank you!ÔøΩ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ÔøΩLady, IÔøΩm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.ÔøΩ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ÔøΩWhat the hell, go ahead.ÔøΩ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ÔøΩOkay, okay.....How old am I?ÔøΩ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ÔøΩMadam, you are 50.ÔøΩ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ÔøΩThat was incredible, how could you tell?ÔøΩ ÔøΩI was behind you at McDonaldsÔøΩ."

[Helmut Shown]

"A man goes to the doctors as he's feeling a bit under the weather. The doctor asks him to get undressed. He takes his coat off and his shirt and trousers are filthy. The doctor says: ""Do you expect me to examine you while you are in such a disgusting state?"" The man replies: ""Sorry Doc but we've been very busy at home"" . The doctor acquiesces and says ""OK get undressed"". He comes from behind the screen and the doctor sees shit all over his bollocks and says ""Get out of here and only come back when you have washed yourself and your clothing"". He goes home and his wife asks he got on. He says : ""Do you wash my clothes dear?"" She replies "" I've had four babies in the past three years I haven't even had time to wipe my arse! "" He says: ""Yes, thats another thing I need to speak to you about"""

[Swiss.]

Quite funny Joe but still a bit racist.

[joe royal]

"Joke for the day üòÇüòÇ A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends ¬£15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ""òI hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?""ù. ""òAbout 32,' is the reply.' ""òNope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ""òI'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, ""òNope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ""òOh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, ""òI'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ""òLady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ""òWhat the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ""òOkay, okay.....How old am I?' He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ""òMadam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ""òThat was incredible, how could you tell?' ""òI was behind you in the queue at McDonalds'."

[Aalborg Hammer]

They told me I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic but so far I've made three jugs and a vase

[BRANDED]

Important message for dyslexics dont forget this weekend your cocks go black.

[Mike Oxsaw]

joe royal 10:01 Tue Oct 23 Good man joe - SUM of us understand...

[Swiss.]

I agree keep the racist jokes coming. come on !!!

[The Libertine]

joe royal 10:01 Tue Oct 23 BEST LAUGH FOR A LONG TIME! I absolutely love this. Keep them coming and fuck the political correctness. Censorship belongs to racist countries like Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern countries

[Swiss.]

"Willtell Got stiffed..lol. Good riddance to the cսnt. Absolute racist, senile bigot."