THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Bungo]

"OK, so Secret Satan isn't even a thing, I know that now. Sorry I cut your brakelines Carol."

[joyo]

"Theresa May has been appointed as the new manager of Manchester United, because the board feel she is the best person to keep them in Europe"

[Westham67]

"May have been done I don't read this A Womxn comes home from work on Christmas eve and her husband is not at home. She calls him, he answers and she says"" Where are you"" he says , do you remember before we were married and we looked in that jewelry shop and that 10k diamond ring was in the window and I said one day I would but it for you ? and getting tearful she replies yes I do remember that shop, so her Husband says good I'm in the pub next door"

[Darlo Debs]

"Just seen this and had to share.. ü§£ü§£ I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ""òNo, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ""òJust a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ""òDo these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ""òWell, come on', she said, ""òWe don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ""òDid you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, ""òI sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.""ù"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Bloke goes into a Fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm. He asks ""Do you sell fishcakes??"" ""Yes,we do"" says the fryer. ""Oh good"" says the bloke, ""it's his birthday"""

[Briano]

Adolph the brown nosed reindeer is not as well known as Rudolph He's just as quick but has a problem stopping

[Too Much Too Young]

"A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because all the waitresses had bigbreasts and wore very short skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was goodvalue for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before."

[Willtell]

"Mrs May announced that she won't be fazed by a ""no confidence"" vote. She'll just delay it until the next general election..."

[Mr Anon]

"For just £2 a month donation for mosquito nets, we can save millions of mosquitos a year from dying of aids"

[Willtell]

"HMRC has returned the tax return of a man that answered a question incorrectly. In response to the question; ""Do you have anyone dependent on you?"" the man wrote the following - ""2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crackheads; 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle type scroungers; 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons; 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole EU Commission."" HMRC stated the response was not acceptable so the man wrote back and asked ""who on earth did I miss out?"""

[ted fenton]

"Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, And every year Bill would say, "" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "" Blanche always replied, "" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid! "" One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "" To this, Blanche replied, "" Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "" The pilot overheard the couple and said, "" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "" Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "" Bill replied, "" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, But you know, Twenty quid is twenty quid! """

[Coffee]

https://tinyurl.com/ybgcspla

[Briano]

"Paddy's wife Mary brings him a Vindaloo home for dinner. Next morning he's having a dump and yells ""òJasus Mary whys me fecking arse hurting' ""òRing Sting' says Mary ""òHow the feck would he know ""ò"

[cheeses cruyf]

Peter Boizot the founder of Pizza Express died today l wonder if he topped himself?

[Willtell]

Excellent - actually made me laugh...

[Briano]

"A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'"

[Dave Boozle]

"An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guinness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man that his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one pint at a time. The Irishman explains that he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The Irishman becomes a regular at the pub, well known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among the other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offered his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains: ""No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for Lent""ù"

[ted fenton]

"For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[Helmut Shown]

"A man was visiting a prostitute. He paid for his session and got down to business by giving the girl oral sex. He stopped all of a sudden when he found something in his mouth. On closer examination it was a bit of carrot stuck to a pea. The girl said ""thats all right, the last bloke that plated me spewed up"""

[joe royal]

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face... Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge.

[Swiss.]

Mad Dog That's quite good. Better than a wet fart.

[Mad Dog]

I know that as digging for gas but striking oil

[plankton]

"I always thought 'premature evacuation"" was when a fart turns into a sloppy something else?"

[Swiss.]

"yogib ""premature evacuation ' Is that when your caravan stalled and you fell out the back? haha"

[Queens Fish Bar]

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Taste.