THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mirkwood]

Haha cheered me up that.

[The Stoat]

"The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""Cah"", not a single one could shout ""bike"""

[frank marker]

Alfie 1:53 Fri Apr 19 More like this please.

[lab]

Exactly . Please carry on AH.

[Coffee]

Mr Kenzo AH posts many of the best on this thread. Maybe your humour bone would benefit from an appointment with Mr Fixit?

[Mr Kenzo]

AH - Try and post something remotely funny for a change ?

[Aalborg Hammer]

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't

[Aalborg Hammer]

Jokes about white sugar are rare but brown sugar - Demerara.

[Noah]

I'm seeing this bird with really bad eczema... Cracking tits though.

[cheeses cruyf]

"I bumped into an old mate in town earlier. I asked him what he was up to these days. ""I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing.""ù ""Charity work?""ù ""No. Weatherspoons.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Apologies if already done...it just tickled me... I've been training my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour and twenty minutes

[Willtell]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmKR2Vw64Oc

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I took my girlfriend Eileen to an orgy party last week, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

A nice change from the bunnies and chicks at Easter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=033FInn1wH8&app=desktop

[Nutsin]

What did the leper say to the Prostitute? Keep the tip.

[Nutsin]

"I once dated a girl that was cross eyed. I had to dump her, I thought she was seeing someone else."

[ted fenton]

Good God Aalborg that's as old as me !!!!!

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q.What do you call a girl who's had an operation on her piles?? A.Anita Harris

[collyrob]

"I told you before Alfie, you are painfully unfunny."

[Alfie]

"Copper stops a youth on the streets of london Youth dem: ' an what copper, an what bredda, what you pull me for?' Man dem: ' no reason sir other than to say we are having a jamboree at the local station on saturday in aid of the homeless and i wanted to give you this flyer. It will be really good fun' Yoot dem: ' you mean there is no implicit or unspoken racist intent in your engaging with me star?' Man dem: ' no sir. There will be a tombola, and home made jam stalls and that' Yoot mans: ' sweet as. See you there you gi me' Passer by ' What a lovely harmonious vignette of london street life in 2019'"

[mallard]

Aalborg Hammer 9:23 Fri Apr 12 Superb !

[ray winstone]

https://youtu.be/UrFa51JU3sM

[ted fenton]

"An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!!!"

[Haz]

Just learned that a dentist a block away from here has been arrested for dealing drugs. It shows you just how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over 10 years. Never knew he was a dentist.

[Mike Oxsaw]

Dianne Abbot is suing Tesco for using her signature on their Hot Cross Buns.