THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Troy McClure]

cheeses cruyf 1:55 Wed May 22 Niki Lauder jokes? Really? Come on... His body's not yet cold..

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Woman in a bar turns to her friend and says ""see that bloke over there?"" nodding towards me. She continues ""he has an office with a corner window and drives a £400k vehicle. I'm gonna fuck him"". The next morning, we're sitting on her her roof terrace, overlooking the Thames, drinking bucks fizz. Both happy as Larry. She turned to me and said ""so what do you actually do for a living?"" Me ""bus driver""."

[cheeses cruyf]

Ladbrokes are offering 4/1 on Niki Lauda surviving the cremation

[BRANDED]

"""You know that unbelievable urge just to eat that thing in front of you?""ù "" Yeah. That's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist""ù"

[Hammer and Pickle]

"My wife fell into an upholstering machine at the weekend...after a night in hospital, she is now firm and bouncy."

[chim chim cha boo]

"My wife fell into an upholstering machine at the weekend...after a night in hospital,she is now comfortable."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My wife fell into an upholstering machine at the weekend...after a night in hospital,she has recovered nicely"

[BRANDED]

"Most Americans say 'Arabic numerals' should not be taught in school, finds survey"

[mashed in maryland]

Aalborg Hammer 12:06 Fri May 17 Hahahhaahaha

[Aalborg Hammer]

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes..turn out she doesn't have it.I am a cսnt and really does want me to fuck off

[Too Much Too Young]

"Bloke buys a cockney parrot but gets sick of it saying, ""I'm from East London and i'm hard as fuck!"", so he puts a Kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead and the Parrot says, ""I'm from East London and i'm hard as fuck!"", so the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in the cage. Next morning, he finds the Eagle dead and the Parrot with no feathers. As the bloke looks in the cage, the Parrot says, ""Had to take me coat off for that cսnt""."

[joe royal]

"An undercover cop called at my farm... ""I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs""ù, he said. ""By all means officer, just don't go in that field over there""ù, I replied. The cop exploded, saying ""Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!""ù, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, ""Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I'll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!""ù I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, ""Your badge, show him your fucking badge!""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Geordies must be perpetually confused that ""Aldi"" is not open 24 hours a day"

[tr3bor]

"Just met a Chinese drug addict. He asked me 'have you seen my cocaine?'' I replied, 'No, not since I watched the Italian job'"

[ted fenton]

"A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ""Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?""ù The rabbi responded, ""Yes, that is still one of our laws.""ù The priest then asked, "" Have you ever eaten pork?""ù To which the rabbi replied, ""Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.""ù The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ""Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?""ù The priest replied, ""Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith""ù The rabbi then asked him, ""Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?""ù The priest replied, ""Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.""ù The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, ""Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?""ù"

[Sir Alf]

*** were in ***

[Sir Alf]

BREAKING NEWS: Police in Madrid have raised concerns that Tottenham fans may take flares to the Metropolitano stadium on 1st June. That was what they were wearing last time they in a European final.

[arsene york-hunt]

"Two poofs and a farmer sitting in a train carriage. One of the poofs says ""Do you mind if I fart?"" The others say ""Go ahead."" He does a silent fart Later: The other poof says ""Do you mind if I fart?"" The others say ""Go ahead."" He also does a silent fart. Later: The farmer then says ""Dya moind if oi fahhrt lads."" They say ""Go ahead He lets rip with a massive long and loud fart.. One of the poofs says to the other ""Ooooo he's a virgin."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went to a nice Cuban restaurant last night. I say restaurant, it was more of a Castro pub"

[Coffee]

"An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?"

[Too Much Too Young]

"With the two comebacks of Liverpool and Spurs, it wouldn't surprise me if Maddie MacCann presented the trophy."

[ted fenton]

"A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ""I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."" The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ""Is your bet still good?"", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ""If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"" The Irishman replies, ""Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first""."

[CrowleyHammer]

Prince Harry has announced the name of his new baby boy. He's going to call him Seatbelt. It's what his mother would have wanted.

[eswing hammer]

"My wife wanted to take me to the new Westfield shopping centre ,l said no ,once you've seen one shopping centre,you've seen the Mall !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When Lord Nelson died, he was five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is fifteen feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1."