THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Bungo]

Pete Doherty recently tried to connect with a younger audience by rebranding himself P-Doh with limited success.

[collyrob]

"A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked why?? The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone. Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query,the daughter again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone. A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: What the fuck are you doing? The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law."

[Too Much Too Young]

"The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her snatch and then licking it. ""Steady love"", i said, ""you'll need that in the morning to help see the kids across the road""."

[Manip]

Ag

[Ridikzappa]

Just seen it's John McCririck's funeral this Friday at 5/2

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Irish fella walking around Southampton Docks and he sees a Rolls Royce parked A bloke in a suit with a bowler hat walks up . ""Is dis your car,mister??"" ""Yes"" says the suit... ""How can you afford a car like that??"" ""I work for Cunard"" ""I worked Fuckin' hard ,but I can't afford a car like that"""

[Far East Hammer]

"I just heard that Shanghai were insisting on 25 million for Arnie, whilst West Ham were trying to hold out for 20 million for Arnie + Hugill"

[mallard]

To the person who stole my glasses..... I will find you - I have contacts

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Janet Street-Porter goes into a cocktail bar and says to the barman ""Can I get a large aperitif?"" The barman says ""No,I don't think you can, love"""

[CrowleyHammer]

Ag

[Willtell]

"A man rings 999 in a panic. ""My wife is 9 months pregnant and has just started screaming!"" ""What is she saying?"" ""She is ranting about Jews!"" ""Don't worry, it only means she's gone into Labour..."""

[plankton]

"I picked a lettuce from the garden for lunch today. Made the salad, plonked it on the table and the kids asked, ""What's that, dad?"" ""That's a Russian Roulette Salad,"" I replied. ""Russian Roulette salad?"" they chorused in unison. ""Yeah - there's one slug in it. Good luck."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

[Coffee]

"HATTIE JAQUES: ""Doctor, please, I want to be wooed."" KENNETH: ""You can be as wude as you like matron."""

[Mirkwood]

"My mate told me he was going on holiday for a fortnight so I asked him to bring me 800 cigs back. When he got back he gave me the cigs and I asked him how much I owed him He said, ""£385."" ""Fuck me! Where you been?"" I asked. ""Great Yarmouth,"" he replied."

[joyo]

"Why are Catholic priests called father? Because ""daddy"" would be too suspicious!"

[BRANDED]

Dave Mustaine: Megadeth frontman diagnosed with cancer

[13 Brentford Rd]

"Police stop a man on a motorbike to tell him his wife fell off the back of his bike half a mile back. Man on motorbike replies..... ""Thank fuck for that I thought I'd gone deaf"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife said to me in bed last night ""If you turn the bedside light off,I'll take it up the bum""ù In hindsight,maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first..."

[East Auckland Hammer]

"Man: ""What did your wife do just before she had the baby?"" Other man: ""Yelled out FUUUUUUUUUCK and a little bit of poo came out"" Man: ""I mean for work"" Other man: ""Oh, book-keeping"""

[The Libertine]

"A serial killer takes a little girl into the woods at night. The girl screams and kicks and yells that she is really scared. Serial killer says, you are scared?? What about me, I have to go back through the scary woods all alone!"

[Helmut Shown]

"A young air stewardess is on her first flight and as she is working at the back of the plane she hears ""Bing bong this is your captain speaking we are now flying at 35,000 feet and we will shortly be commencing our descent to Stanstead, I hope you are enjoying your flight with Easyjet and hope to see you again in the near future"" Unfortunately the pilot neglects to switch off the mike and his conversation with the co-pilot can be heard: ""What are you going to do when we land skip?"" The co-pilot asks. "" Well"" he replies ""first off I'm gonna have a shit then I'm gonna try to get in the new stewardess's knickers"" On hearing this the stewardess runs up the aisle and trips arse over tit on an old dear's handbag and falls flat on her face. The old girl leans over to her in the aisle and says ""its ok no need to hurry he says he's having a shit first!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Got caught speeding in Lincoln city centre yesterday. Bastards, I was only doing 30 knots!"

[David L]

5 people die after eating contaminated sandwiches at a garden centre cafe. Authorities say cause of death was wisteria.

[lab]

Unluckiest bloke in the world who bought a pack of after eights and died at seven thirty.