THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

"I was admitted into hospital yesterday with suspected food poisoning, it appears what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb I should be out by early spring"

[geoffpikey]

"Went into the chemist and asked an assistant ""What gets rid of coronavirus?"" She said ""Ammonia cleaner"" I said ""I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"" Yes, it's dreadful and I chuckled."

[mtchammer]

"I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon. I asked him ""whereabouts in Devon mate?""ù He replied ""Exeter mate, Exeter mate.""ù"

[joe royal]

"MY MORNING STROLL. This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around my local Marina. I noticed a character shouting ""Allah be praised!"" and ""Death to all Infidels!"", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown! Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard and even Fire and Rescue! It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted three STAMPS."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Man with Corona virus desperately seeking woman with Lyme disease

[The Stoat]

Surgeons have said that a man who was shot by his wife over 300 times using an upholstery staple gun is now fully recovered

[joyo]

What's the difference between Tyson Fury and a Muslim? Fury can take a shot to the head.

[lab]

A long life supporter of West Ham has said if he wins the euro millions lottery he may try and purchase the club. However his wife has said she has other plans should he get four numbers.

[Swiss.]

eswing Yeah I heard he was ill but I thought he's stick it out longer

[joyo]

Did Flack kill herself softly with a song?

[eswing hammer]

"We've lost another one , the bloke who invented Velcro has died ...RIP"

[joyo]

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!

[joyo]

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick? Jerry Can

[lab]

Christ I can't believe the service of Amazon. I ordered a trampoline yesterday afternoon and it was in my back garden this morning.

[Willtell]

"Earlier this morning my wife texted me: ""Some of the girls in the office have had flowers delivered, they're really beautiful"" I replied: ""That'll be why they got flowers then."""

[icwhs]

I gave my wife a massive orgasm last night. It's a shame she spat it out.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"So this lizard is walking along the riverbank and he smells the sweet smell of a spliff""¶he looks up a tree and there's a baboon smoking a big fat joint. The baboon invites him up to join him. After a while the lizard gets cotton mouth and says ""I'm off to the river for a drink""ù A crocodile swims up and asks the lizard what he's doing. The lizard explains about the baboon and the excellent Lebanese black that he'd just smoked. ""A baboon with a spliff? This I have to see!!""ù The crocodile gets to the bottom of the tree and the baboon looks down at him. ""Mannnnnnnnn!! How much water did you drink!!??""ù"

[eswing hammer]

"My windscreen was all iced up this morning and l couldn't find the icescraper so l used my B&Q trade credit card ,it was hard work but l managed to get 20% off ."

[penners28]

"Apparently Schofield was about to be outed as a west ham fan, so thought it would be less embarrassing to just say he was gay...."

[Dandy Lyon]

Phillip Schofield is leaving ITV. He prefers BBC

[Mirkwood]

"I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married."

[lab]

"Holly Willoughby :whenever I bent down to pick up a pen,he never ever said ...while yer down there luv, ..it all makes sense now."

[Mirkwood]

Waiting for the first decent Phillip Schofield joke to land...

[Nutsin]

"Englishman, Italian and a Frenchman having a beer together in a bar. The Italian says ""you know, after I finish making love to my wife I massage her back and she floats 2 inches off the bed in ecstasy."" The Frenchman says ""this is nothing masseur, After I make love to my wife I massage her feet and she floats 2 feet off the bed in ecstasy. The Englishman pipes up, ""That's nothing, after I'm done shagging my old lady I wipe my knob on her drapes and she hits the roof!"""

[Exiled In Surrey]

"Went to see the doctor and told him I was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked "" how does your wife feel about it?"" I replied ""at first she took it on the chin, but now its getting on het tits"""