THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[the coming of gary]

did the commuters clapham ? .

[The Stoat]

A man who has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground said he went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour

[ted fenton]

"THE APPLICATION OF THE WORD ""BOLLOCKS"" FOR THE NON - BRITS .......... THE ( DOG'S ) BOLLOCKS - BRILLIANT/THE BEST BOLLOCKS - SHIT UTTER BOLLOCKS - LIES BOLLOCKING - STRONG REPRIMAND STARK BOLLOCK NAKED - NUDE BOLLOCKS TO IT - I SHALL IGNORE IT"

[Queens Fish Bar]

"At Confession: ""Bless me Father for I have sinned. My boyfriend shagged me seven times last night""ù ""You must go home and suck the juice from seven lemons""ù ""Will that absolve me?""ù ""No but it'll take that smug look off your face""ù."

[Jasnik]

I thought I had corona virus as people said you lose your sense of taste. Then I realised I was OK as it was only the salmon kipper tie I was wearing.

[Lee Trundle]

It's awful news that Dele Alli was robbed at knifepoint in his own home. A load of watches and jewelry were nicked but they didn't make it off with any medals.

[Mike Oxsaw]

"After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I know walking by on the pavement outside. I immediately ran to the window and started shouting at them. Now I understand dogs."

[eswing hammer]

"Will Smith has defied stay at home and gone off snowboarding in Canada, he hasn't been seen for 24 hours and with even more snow forecast ,they're gonna look again tomorrow for fresh prints!"

[geoffpikey]

Bad news. The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the 2 metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.

[Westside]

"My grandad had a great life, then died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, who died screaming in terror."

[Hermit Road]

"My grandad always used to say: ""you need to be upfront with everybody"" Great bloke, shit goalkeeper"

[147man]

"my grandad always said, ""fight fire with fire."" Lovely man, terrible fireman"

[the coming of gary]

"my grandad always said, ""in the old days you could leave your door open."" Lovely man, terrible submarine captain ."

[mtchammer]

"My grandad always said, ""as one door closes, another one opens."" Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker."

[Willtell]

"Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. It created lots of technical problems as there are apparently conflicts between these two products. The only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off but that failed. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend 1.2, 1.3 and 1.4 proved no better, all conflicting with existing products. So I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had far too many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks! Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.3 and 1.4 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe and almost irreparable damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon became useless and relied on needing a further upgrade to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2020. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 then became very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later long after I had forgotten all about them. Wife 1.0 also came readily installed with Diary, Explorer, E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to work out what the problem is but the logic hasn't been correctly written. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe&ClothesShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which constantly needs reinstalling weekly. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMW 330 Convertible hard drive, it keeps crashing frequently. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2020, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2020, it tends to delete all of your bank accounts before uninstalling itself. Any advice would be helpful, many thanks."

[Willtell]

Briano 8:29 Mon Apr 27 Excellent joke and a game I'll never forget...

[Westside]

"Out in the car after the shopping run last week, I wasn't really concentrating and found myself in a less salubrious part of town. At a set of lights, a scantily clad young lady came up to the car window (well two meters away) and said ""You looking for business?"" I thought, why not. ""How much?"" I asked. £50"" she said. Excitedly I asked ""What do I get for £50?"" ""Anything you want."" I was trembling with excitement. ""Do you do haircuts?"" I asked."

[geoffpikey]

"Lord Nelson was only 5 ft tall. Yet his statue in Trafalgar Square is 15 ft high. That's Horatio of 3 to 1. (Well, it's new to ME.)"

[Briano]

I can't believe how this crisis is pulling us all together....... I'm having a water fight with my neighbour who is a Spurs fan.......just waiting for the kettle to boil.....

[Noah]

excellent work Briano

[Briano]

"An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. ""Who's he?""ù asked the man. ""That's the Memory Man.""ù said the barman. ""He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.""ù So the man goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks ""Who won the 1980 FA Cup Final?""ù ""West Ham,""ù replies the Memory Man. ""Who did they beat?""ù ""Arsenal,""ù was the reply. ""And the score?""ù ""1-0,""ù he said. ""Who scored the winning goal?""ù ""Trevor Brooking,""ù was the old man's reply. The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back in England about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA on holiday and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting ""How""ù. The Memory Man replied, ""Diving header in the six yard box""ù"

[geoffpikey]

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. But this is as close as I could get. (Piss poor. At least the jokes are back on the first page.)

[ted fenton]

"Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. ""I don't know what to do "" says the devil "" you're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves. "" Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed, The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in hell. ""No""ù said Trump "" I don't think so I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long""ù The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer time after time after time. "" No I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.""ù Commented Trump. The devil opened the third door. In it Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said""ù yeah I can handle this "" The devil smiled and said ""Monica you're free to go""ù üòÇ"

[Willtell]

"A Chelsea based lawyer went duck hunting in Essex. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer in a West Ham shirt, drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing? The lawyer responded, ""I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."" The old farmer replied, ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer said, ""I am one of the best trial QCs in England, and, a Chelsea supporter. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take every penny you own so you'll be as skint as a West Ham should be."" The old farmer smiled and said, ""Apparently, you don't know how we West Ham fans settle disputes in Essex. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"" The lawyer asked, ""What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"" The Farmer replied, ""Well because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."" The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The Chelsea lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ""Okay, you old fart of a West Ham fan. Now it's my turn."" The farmer smiled and said, ""Nah, it's OK man, I give up. You can have the duck."""

[ted fenton]

"""Our Kids By The Time School Re-Opens"" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i42PFralrhI"