THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

"A man went to a doctor's surgery in Harley Street in London having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked for details. The receptionist pulled up the file and read; ""The job entails preparing the ladies for the gynaecologist."" ""You must help the women remove their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."" ""The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "" ""My God, is that where the job is?"" asked the man. She answered: ""No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just finished reading an excellent book called ""Fights on a Narrowboat"" by R.G. Bargee."

[the_bigot]

"My grand daughter is learning Spanish privately. But she still can't say please in Spanish, which I believe is poor for four."

[147man]

Diana Ross is a scouser? The things you learn on WHO

[ray winstone]

MaryMillingtonsGhost 6:21 Tue Nov 3 I've heard the Diana Ros version of that joke but still chortled.

[Dandy Lyon]

I called the ADHD helpline. They were really hel.... oh look a penny

[Queens Fish Bar]

I called the premature ejaculation helpline. They hung up before I could speak.

[Exiled In Surrey]

"I called the erectile dysfunction helpline. They were working hard, but didn't pick up."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What if you cant do a Connery accent? I can do a Bruce Forsyth though...

[riosleftsock]

"No, if you have to explain it, its not a joke. Try saying the joke in a Connery accent."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Now I consider myself to have above average intelligence but can you explain the joke below......

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I met Sean Connery once and asked if he liked herbs. He said yes, but only partially."

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

"Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, ""Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."" So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, ""If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."" Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, ""Okay."" He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."" ""I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."" Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. ""Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"" Sean replies, ""No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mate was out of work for 3 months and tried to commit suicide by taking 10 Viagra pills. His wife took it hard.

[wd40]

That's what my wife use to say .

[mtchammer]

The other night I watched a UB40 tribute band called WD40... They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on!

[mtchammer]

Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people. That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two old ladies in a bingo hall. 1st old lady ""Did you come on the bus?"" 2nd old lady ""Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I came out of the station the other day and a busker was playing 'Dancing Queen' on a Didgeridoo....I thought ""That's aboriginal """

[Exiled In Surrey]

"3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."

[The Stoat]

My wife is leaving me because she is fed up with me talking like a news reader More on this story later

[bell]

That is supurb Noah.

[Noah]

"Ian Botham was out celebrating his elevation to the Lords at a very posh London restaurant. They ordered the food but it was taking ages despite other diners getting their food straight away. Botham complained a number of times and eventually the chef came out and said sorry, but there was a delay with the soup course and invited Botham to the kitchen to see the problem. In the kitchen, Botham sees the problem is over the turtle soup. The turtle was still alive and its head would poke out every now and then but as soon as they tried to wack it with the mallet the turtle would quickly pull his head back in. Botham said ""òleave it to me' and stuck two fingers up the turtle's arse. Its head shot right out and Botham dispatched it with the mallet. The chef was impressed asked him where he learned that trick for killing turtles. Botham said ""ònothing to do with turtles, I learned it while on tour with the England. Before dinner it was the only way to get a collar and tie on Gladstone Small.'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was.

[ted fenton]

Just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors