THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Dandy Lyon]

I called the ADHD helpline. They were really hel.... oh look a penny

[Queens Fish Bar]

I called the premature ejaculation helpline. They hung up before I could speak.

[Exiled In Surrey]

"I called the erectile dysfunction helpline. They were working hard, but didn't pick up."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

What if you cant do a Connery accent? I can do a Bruce Forsyth though...

[riosleftsock]

"No, if you have to explain it, its not a joke. Try saying the joke in a Connery accent."

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Now I consider myself to have above average intelligence but can you explain the joke below......

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I met Sean Connery once and asked if he liked herbs. He said yes, but only partially."

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

"Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, ""Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."" So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, ""If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."" Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, ""Okay."" He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."" ""I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."" Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. ""Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"" Sean replies, ""No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mate was out of work for 3 months and tried to commit suicide by taking 10 Viagra pills. His wife took it hard.

[wd40]

That's what my wife use to say .

[mtchammer]

The other night I watched a UB40 tribute band called WD40... They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on!

[mtchammer]

Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people. That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Two old ladies in a bingo hall. 1st old lady ""Did you come on the bus?"" 2nd old lady ""Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I came out of the station the other day and a busker was playing 'Dancing Queen' on a Didgeridoo....I thought ""That's aboriginal """

[Exiled In Surrey]

"3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter."

[The Stoat]

My wife is leaving me because she is fed up with me talking like a news reader More on this story later

[bell]

That is supurb Noah.

[Noah]

"Ian Botham was out celebrating his elevation to the Lords at a very posh London restaurant. They ordered the food but it was taking ages despite other diners getting their food straight away. Botham complained a number of times and eventually the chef came out and said sorry, but there was a delay with the soup course and invited Botham to the kitchen to see the problem. In the kitchen, Botham sees the problem is over the turtle soup. The turtle was still alive and its head would poke out every now and then but as soon as they tried to wack it with the mallet the turtle would quickly pull his head back in. Botham said ""òleave it to me' and stuck two fingers up the turtle's arse. Its head shot right out and Botham dispatched it with the mallet. The chef was impressed asked him where he learned that trick for killing turtles. Botham said ""ònothing to do with turtles, I learned it while on tour with the England. Before dinner it was the only way to get a collar and tie on Gladstone Small.'"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was.

[ted fenton]

Just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors

[Mr Kenzo]

"Now that he's won a record equalling 91 Grand Prix races, Lewis Hamilton says he aims to go one better than Michael Schumacher. Not sure if he means in the downhill skiing accidents department."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife said to me last night. ""If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse"". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first..."

[IsaacHock]

"Dad - How was school? Son - Alright. We started reading a book where a horrible midget tries to kill a sleeping giant. Dad - Gullivers Travels? Son - No, The History of West Ham (2010 to Present)"

[joyo]

"What have the Black Eyed Peas, Manchester United and Prince Andrew got in common? All been shit since Fergie left"

[joyo]

"A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ""Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?""ù ""We're taking Continental""ù was the reply. ""We got a great rate!""ù "" Continental ?"" exclaimed the hairdresser. "" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?""ù ""We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.""ù ""Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.""ù ""We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.""ù ""That's rich,"" laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.""ù A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. ""It was wonderful,"" explained the woman, ""not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!""ù ""Well,"" muttered the hairdresser, ""that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.""ù ""Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..""ù ""Oh, really! What'd he say?""ù He said: ""Who fucked up your hair?"