THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: ""Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband""ù When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up"

[riosleftsock]

"I hate being bi-polar, its brilliant."

[the_bigot]

"Even my on-line Christmas shopping has gone pear shaped, I ordered four Kindles from amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD"

[bell]

Mallard Is it about an old flame?

[mallard]

I'm making a TV series about the different parts of my gas cooker. .... I've already filmed the pilot.

[Dandy Lyon]

"I am asking for you all to keep me in your prayers. We've just discovered my grandad is addicted to viagra, it's a difficult time for us all but nobody is taking it harder than my nan."

[Mad Dog]

2000 fans in london stadium will be like Jeremy beadle fingering Katie price

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man goes to the Optician for his annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption on his face ,and asks him what he can see. ""I see empty Airports and empty Football grounds"" he says. "" I see closed theatres , closed pubs, closed Restaurants "" That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!"

[claret on my shirt]

"Just seen Danniella Westbrook get a Covid test, they were swabbing her nose with a french stick!"

[WSM Hammer]

Manip 5.41 - EXCELLENT (Aston Village)

[claret on my shirt]

"A man pulls up in his car alongside a lad in the street and says"" I'll give you ÔøΩ10 and a bag of sweets if you get in my car"" the boys says ""no"" The man tries again and says ""Ok how about ÔøΩ20 and a bag of sweets"" again the boy says ""no The man tries yet again and says ""ok how about ÔøΩ50 and a bag of sweets then"" The boys replies ""Fuck off dad i'm not going to White Heart Lane with you watch Spurs!"""

[Queens Fish Bar]

"""Would you like anything on your chips?"" ""Does it cost extra?"" ""Yes, 10p"" ""Ok then I'll have 4 sausages and and a steak pie please"""

[Manip]

Brilliant. swt https://www.facebook.com/tomcho.dimitrov/videos/10159618513076661/

[The Stoat]

To pass the time on a wet lockdown day I have been making a hotel entirely out of cheese biscuits It is good but it is hardly the Ritz.

[ted fenton]

"""OLD BUT NOT BAD "" A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. > He decides to test it out on his son at supper. > > ""Where were you last night?"" > > Son says, ""I was at the library."" > > The robot slaps son. > > ""OK I was at a friend's house."" > > ""Doing what?"" asked the father. > > ""Watching a movie; Toy Story."" > > Robot slaps son. ""OK, it was porn!"" cried the son. > > Father yells, ""What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."" > > The robot slaps the father. > > The mother laughs and says ""He certainly IS your son."" > > The robot slaps the mother."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Werner Heisenberg is driving down the autobahn, when he gets pulled over by the Verkehrspolizei. ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" asks the cop. ""No"" said Heisenberg, ""but I know where I am."""

[The Stoat]

"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of ROGET'S THESAURUS crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, perplexed, fazed, disconcerted, perturbed and disturbed"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No,"" he replies, ""Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" Bond explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The woman says, ""What's it telling you now?"" ""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, ""Bloody thing's an hour fast."""

[Coffee]

From the Bumper Book of Popular Jokes in the Time of Noah's Ark.

[Noah]

"A magician on a cruise ship did his act with a talking parrot who was very intelligent but had a foul mouth. While the magician did his act the parrot would constantly shout out and spoil the trick like "" it's under his fucking hat "" or it's down his fucking arm""ù. As the audience was laughing the magician didn't mind. One night all the alarms went off and everyone on board was ordered to get in the lifeboats. The magician grabbed the parrot, covered up the cage and jumped into one of the last lifeboats, it floated away from the ship into the night. The next morning the magician uncovered the parrot who never said a word. The boat floated around for days finally the parrot spoke ""OK. you cսnt, I give up. What have you done with the fucking ship?!""ù"

[The Stoat]

"A man went to a doctor's surgery in Harley Street in London having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked for details. The receptionist pulled up the file and read; ""The job entails preparing the ladies for the gynaecologist."" ""You must help the women remove their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."" ""The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "" ""My God, is that where the job is?"" asked the man. She answered: ""No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just finished reading an excellent book called ""Fights on a Narrowboat"" by R.G. Bargee."

[the_bigot]

"My grand daughter is learning Spanish privately. But she still can't say please in Spanish, which I believe is poor for four."

[147man]

Diana Ross is a scouser? The things you learn on WHO

[ray winstone]

MaryMillingtonsGhost 6:21 Tue Nov 3 I've heard the Diana Ros version of that joke but still chortled.