THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Too Much Too Young]

epsom 6:48 Wed Jan 27 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) HAHA Just got sent that via WhatsApp with a claret n blue background.

[epsom]

"A man is walking his dog when the West Ham score comes in, 3-2 to West Ham. The dog runs 10 yards, does a triple backflip and a double pirouette. Someone on the street says ""òfuck me that's impressive, what does he do if West Ham lose'? The Man replies ""òfuck knows mate I've only had him since Christmas'"

[lab]

"Excellent AH , even that dandy Lyon twat may have raised a smile !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My girlfriend said the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9 iron, but I still got it over the shed."

[joyo]

"David Moyes, Mikel Arteta, Jurgen Klopp and Steve Bruce walk into a pub, and Moyes buys them all a pint. Arteta also then bought everyone a pint and followed by Klopp, when all finished Bruce aslo got everyone a drink. Moyes then when up the bar to just buy himself a pint, well the other were a bit pissed off and ask why he didn't get them a drink?!? The Moyesiah replied ""Sorry none of you lot are in the 5th round!"""

[ted fenton]

BREAKING: Frank Lampard set to be offered the chance to join west hams backroom staff!... Reports suggest Doris the tea lady want to take early retirement and Frank is an ideal replacement as he has worked with a bunch of mugs for the past two years.

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello"" WOMAN: ""Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"" MAN: ""Yes."" WOMAN: ""I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"" MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."" WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."" MAN: ""How much?"" WOMAN: ""£45,000."" MAN: ""OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."" WOMAN: ""Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."" MAN: ""Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."" WOMAN: ""Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"" MAN: ""Bye! I love you, too."" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. > > > The man turns to them and asks, ""Anyone know whose phone this is?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Oxford University did a survey on why there's a bubble at the end of a condom. The English said it was take the ejaculate, the French said it was to give the man more pleasure, the Germans said it was to give a woman more pleasure and the West Indians said it was to stand on when you took it off"

[Dandy Lyon]

You're right. Sorry Ted. Keep them coming.

[Willtell]

Me too HR.

[Hermit Road]

Seems as good a time as any to thank people for their gags on here. Aalborg and Ted in particular have provided me with much mirth.

[riosleftsock]

"Dandy Lyon You're a miserable cսnt, I'm sure your opinion won't bother Ted. Why don't you post a joke on the JOKE thread, instead of carping about what you don't find amusing?"

[Dandy Lyon]

I'll do as I please. Cheers

[SecondOpinion]

@ Dandy Lyon Or just don't bother reading

[Dandy Lyon]

"Ted, you strike me as the sort of person who forwards on every single unfunny joke and meme to every single person in your phonebook. Try reducing the quantity and concentrate on improving the quality. Thanks"

[ted fenton]

"Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. -----Husbands Diary: A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?"

[Exiled In Surrey]

Sat on the loo and ran out of paper. Now doing that 'trousers down' shuffle to get a new loo roll. Nearly at Sainsbury's.

[ted fenton]

"Pensioner's Holiday A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop, ""I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."" He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. ""And how did you like your holiday?"" he asked eagerly. ""The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,"" she said. ""I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bastard I had to share the room with?"""

[side effect]

"When my nan wasn't looking i pulled her knitting needles out. She didn't find it funny, me, I was in stitches."

[Queens Fish Bar]

"The posters that use ad hominem against me, are swivel eyed looney, fascist, flag shsgging, incels."

[ted fenton]

"DEAR NEIGHBOUR: ""Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards Richard Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard. SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed ""wi-fi"" to ""wife."" Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all."""

[ted fenton]

"Who said that you can't flog a dead horse? A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, ""Sorry, son, but I have some bad news; the horse died."" Donald replied, ""Well, then just give me my money back."" The farmer said, ""Can't do that. I went and spent it already."" Donald said, ""Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."" The farmer asked, ""What ya gonna do with him?"" Donald said, ""I'm going to raffle him off."" The farmer said, ""You can't raffle off a dead horse!"" Donald said, ""Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."" A month later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, ""What happened with that dead horse?"" Donald said, ""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."" The farmer said, ""Didn't anyone complain?"" Donald said, ""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."" Donald later moved into the White House."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Just heard there's a geezer down the market selling Oxford vaccinations for £2 each or 3 for a Pfizer !!

[ted fenton]

"A young girl started work in the village pharmacy. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. ""Look,"" he said. ""My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used."" The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said ""950"". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. ""Have a look and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. ""Yes!"" she said ""He's got one hanging there!"" The boss said ""Go back in and give him £9.50, he's the window cleaner ....."""

[Darlo Debs]

"I was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper, i like to dice with death Sorry"