THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Jasnik]

I don't get it

[Aalborg Hammer]

"There's two bits of tarmac in a pub arguing over who's the toughest...""I'm a piece of the M25!!"" says one ""I have 30 million cars,25 million lorries and 15 million coaches go over me every year...I'm fucking hard,me"" The other piece ,in a West Midlands drawl says ""That's nothin',I'm a piece of the Spaghetti junction!! I have 35 million cars,30 million lorries and 20 million coaches go over me every year!!"" Just then,a piece of orange tarmac walks in.He goes up to the bar and orders a pint.The two bits of tarmac go very quiet. Once the bar's clear,the barman says ""You two were very quiet when he came in!!"" ""I know-he's a fucking cyclepath"""

[jack flash]

"The old bill go to a house in Liverpool believing the covid rules are being broken They check and find that the occupants are perfectly legitimately in a bubble So while they're there the fetch in the sniffer dogs after they decide to search the house for drugs They find nothing So they then decide to search the house again for weapons But again, they find nothing So they check for stolen goods, but the occupants have all the receipts So they decide to see if their car is stolen But it isn't They check to see if it's insured It is Taxed? Yes MOTd? Yes So they say 'Well that's it, we're going to charge you with wasting police time!'"

[Forest Gate Ugly]

Aalborg Hammer. Top quality as always. The spirit of Tommy Cooper is kept pleasingly alive in you!

[Aalborg Hammer]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today. He had a Wigan address.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop - Speaking slowly I said ""You mean a clothes shop?"" He said ""No,a crows shop.Come in and have a rook"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Just back from a holiday in Thailand. Came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady... ...it was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage the first time of asking that I thought to myself ""Hang on a fucking minute..."""

[wd40]

Can you steal a joke? You must never repeat a joke every joke must be made up by you alone. Jesus.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Stannah stairlifts.. I hate them,they drive me up the wall"

[mallard]

Aalborg Hammer 2:02 Fri Feb 12 Excellent Aalborg ! - you've totally redeemed yourself from the earlier mix-up !

[Exiled In Surrey]

Life is like a game of chess. I don't know how to play chess.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:""Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what ""food"" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what ""honest"" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what ""shortage"" meant. In China they didn't know what ""opinion"" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what ""solution"" meant. In South America they didn't know what ""please"" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what ""the rest of the world"" meant."

[SecondOpinion]

Dandy Lyon 6:19 Mon Feb 8 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Briano Finally someone posted a funny joke. ========== MYSOGINIST =========

[Dandy Lyon]

"Kenzo, I doubt you'd be so stupid to post that on here having stolen it directly from well known West Ham fans account on Twitter and try and pass it off as you're own But whoever sent it to you did. You need to call them on it and at least ask them that if they're going to steal jokes in future, try and steal the funny ones"

[Dandy Lyon]

Briano Finally someone posted a funny joke.

[Mr Kenzo]

"Mike Dean has had 2 of his Red Cards overturned in 4 days, even with VAR. If most people make 2 big mistakes at work they get fired. I got caught wanking twice and i got sacked. Yet Mike Dean will be a PL referee and i'm not allowed to work at another primary school."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Mike Dean - sorry - what a d***

[Aalborg Hammer]

Mike Read - he's almost as funny as the original comedian

[Manip]

VAR.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text: ""You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"" To which I replied: ""8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."""

[Willtell]

Excellent!

[Briano]

"I got an ""òout of the blue'call today from a lovely ex girlfriend, I was surprised but ended up chatting for ages about our younger days, romance and the wild times we shared. I couldn't believe it when she suggested meeting up and rekindling some of that ""òold' magic I have to admit I was tempted but told her I probably wouldn't keep pace with her nowadays..I'm older, greyer, have a thinning hairline plus I don't have the energy I used to have. She just giggled in a cute way and said ""òI'm sure you can rise to the challenge' Ok why not' I said, as long as you can put up with a waistline that's a few inches wider, lack of muscle tone, teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm developing Jowls like a Great Dane. Again she reassured me laughing and told me not to be silly She teased me saying grey haired older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway she giggled ""ò I've put on a few pounds myself' So I told her to Fuck off"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.She may be right, but I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one..."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I walked in on my deaf brother masturbating furiously to Babestation. Good on him, when you can lip read like him who needs to pay £1.50 per minute."

[Willtell]

Tottenham signed Mourinho to win the PL...