THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: £10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply."

[The Stoat]

"On a beautiful summer's day two English tourists were driving through Wales In the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the blonde Welsh waitress, ""Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us?ÔøΩ Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly? The girl leaned over and said Burrr Gurrr King"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Wife ""I've got a present for you that'll make you eyes pop out"" Husband ""What's that then?"" Wife ""A shirt with a 4 inch collar"""

[ted fenton]

"Golden Oldie. An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye. doctor The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.'"

[The Stoat]

"Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand .... ""I've run over a pig and it's still alive under the tractor !"" ""Shoot it"" says the farmer ""and then bury it"" The farmer gets another call. ""Done that, now what do you want me to do with his fucking speed camera?"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke walks into his local pub. Things have changed since the change of landlord. He walks up to the bar and speaks to the landlord and asks what's going on. The landlord says "" we are trying to go a bit upmarket we have refurbished the kitchen, laid new carpets, given it a lick of paint. "" The punter replies "" i have been coming in here for thirty years and all of that time there has always been snuff on the bar where is it? "" The landlord says ""I'll have some here for you when we open tonight"" Not wanting to disappoint a regular customer he phones around various suppliers to no avail. He has a think and sees a dried up dog turd on the pavement. He grinds it up in a pestle and mortar and puts it in a container on the bar. Later that evening the punter comes in sees the snuff and takes a large pinch and inhales it up his nose. He looks down at his feet to check if he's trodden in something then says to the landlord ""can you smell shit?"" The landlord says ""No, you must have trodden in something"" l ""No I've checked"" he replies and turns to the bloke next to him and says ""Can you smell shit in here"" ""I can't smell a thing"" the other man replies ""Is that snuff on the bar? "" he asks. He takes a large sniff of the snuff and says ""That snuff is really good. I can smell shit now!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Thank you Pentonville...I typed it out longhand and it was late..silly me. I stand corrected

[Pentonville]

"It's 'Stars in the their Eyes' and Matthew Kelly is welcoming a new contestant onto the stage.The fella struggles through the dry ice as he's got crutches and is looking very gaunt.""Ladies and gentlemen, this young man has a tragic but heroic story to tell us """"Good evening,Matthew my name's Simon and a year or so ago,me and my family were travelling back from a wedding in a minibus when we were involved in a horrendous accident. Most of my family wereeither killed or badly injured.My legs were crushed and I had to be cut out by the fire brigade.We got to hospitaland the doctors told me that I was going to lose both of my legs.My Auntie had survived but lost her husband.,Frank.If there's any fortune to be had,Matthew,the Gods were looking down on me that night.My body was the same tissue and blood type as Frank so ,my Auntie gave permission and they grafted his legs onto my stumps.I've been through months of physiotherapy and have to take drugs to stop me rejecting them.I'm well on my way to full recovery and ,although I'll never play football again ,I'm truly blessed to be able to get around"" Matthew says "" A truly heroic tale ,ladies and gentlemen, and a tribute to the medical staff at the hospital - what are you going to do for us tonight?"" ""Tonight ,Matthew,I'm going to be Simon and Half-uncle"" For you Aalborg 🤣🤣"

[Pee Wee]

ted fenton 10:58 Fri Nov 12 Ag ag ag ag

[penners28]

"bought a really expensive belt the other day, but it doesnt fucking fit! what a huge waist"

[legrandefromage]

"Aalborg, wouldn't Frank have been his brother-in-law, not his uncle. Great topical joke though!"

[ted fenton]

"I bought a new guard dog yesterday. It's useless, it lets anybody in. It's a UK boarder collie."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's 'Stars in the their Eyes' and Matthew Kelly is welcoming a new contestant onto the stage.The fella struggles through the dry ice as he's got crutches and is looking very gaunt.""Ladies and gentlemen, this young man has a tragic but heroic story to tell us """"Good evening,Matthew my name's Simon and a year or so ago,me and my family were travelling back from a wedding in a minibus when we were involved in a horrendous accident. Most of my family wereeither killed or badly injured.My legs were crushed and I had to be cut out by the fire brigade.We got to hospitaland the doctors told me that I was going to lose both of my legs.My sister had survived but lost her husband.,Frank.If there's any fortune to be had,Matthew,the Gods were looking down on me that night.My body was the same tissue and blood type as Frank so ,my sister gave permission and they grafted his legs onto my stumps.I've been through months of physiotherapy and have to take drugs to stop me rejecting them.I'm well on my way to full recovery and ,although I'll never play football again ,I'm truly  blessed to be able to get around"" Matthew says "" A truly heroic tale ,ladies and gentlemen, and a tribute to the medical staff at the hospital - what are you going to do for us tonight?"" ""Tonight ,Matthew,I'm going to be Simon and Half-uncle"""

[claret on my shirt]

"I'm 53 and my girlfriend is 21, we went out for a meal the other day and everyone was looking at me as if i was some kind of paedophile! It really ruined our 10th anniversary!"

[ted fenton]

Hahaha very good Mike

[Sir Alf]

"Mike Oxsaw 6:47 Tue Nov 9 ag, ag."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In university I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big tits."

[ted fenton]

"Hi all, a polite request, it would be great if you could all keep your dogs quiet this weekend, so I can hear my fireworks, thanks in advance."

[lab]

"Dyslexic kid to mum ""¶ Mum can I have a McDonalds ? No you can't But mum please can I get a McDonalds ? No it's rubbish food But mum let me have ""¶. I tell you what if you can spell McDonalds I'll get you one . Fuck that I'll have a KCF ."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Sad news... My obese parrot died today. 🦜 Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders."

[Aalborg Hammer]

They're bringing out a new Bond film to silence the Woke brigade-Bond starts out as a male and by the end of the film he transgenders to female They're calling it - Cocktopussy

[Kandu]

"The nun joke reminded of when Paddy and Mick came up with a plan to kidnap Mother Teresa and hold her to ransom. Paddy was worried about how long the prison sentence would be if they got caught but was reassured when Mick told him they'd be fine because it's a case of no offence, nun taken."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital. ""How is she?"" I asked. ""Very critical"" replied the officer. ""Oh great. What's she complaining about now?"" I asked."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Not sure how true this is but Liverpool are looking for a new manager. Apparently him and his family are moving home to Germany. Not heard much detail but overhead a scouser who drinks in our pub saying the klopps go back this weekend

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Back in the day (because I'm an official old git) I suspect the question would have been phrased ""What do you get if you cross a nun with a wheelchair?"""