THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, And every year Bill would say, "" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "" Blanche always replied, "" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, And twenty quid is twenty quid! "" One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "" To this, Blanche replied, "" Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "" The pilot overheard the couple and said, "" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "" Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "" Bill replied, "" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, But you know, Twenty quid is twenty quid! """

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said ""You remind me of my little toe"". She said ""Is that because I'm small and cute?"" I replied ""No because with a bit of luck I'll end up banging you on the coffee table""."

[ted fenton]

Be extra careful on the roads with Christmas around the corner a lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive !!

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

I bought a dog the other day off the local blacksmith. It was only in the house for half an hour before it made a bolt for the door!

[ted fenton]

"It snowed last night: 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crew from bbc showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied ""Snowballs"" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes."

[ted fenton]

"A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: ""Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband""ù When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up"

[Mad Dog]

"Makes me sick. I work all year round, save up my hard earned cash just to pay out fortunes for expensive presents for the kids. And that fat cսnt with the beard gets all the credit. Still, it's my own fault for marrying her"

[The Stoat]

The other half has asked me to help her with her diet So I've hidden her teeth

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's just after the American civil war and a bunch of brothers,the Johnstones,get together to form a band. The only gig they can get is on a paddle steamer down the Mississippi river. The cargo is horse shit to be used as fertilizer in the deep south. They pull into St.Louis,Missouri and the local inspector asks what they're carrying "" We're carrying 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. They pull into Columbus,Kentucky and ,again,the local inspector asks what they're carrying "" We're carrying 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. They pull into Fulton,Tennessee and ,again,the local inspector asks what they're carrying Again,the captain says "" 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. As they pull out into the river,the eldest brother Johnstone says to the captain ""Do you think when we pull in next time,we can get top billing?"""

[bell]

"Competition Time; Who said: ""I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee?"" Answers on a postcard to: Muhammad Ali Competition, PO Box 585, London."

[ted fenton]

"I've just seen a sign that read ""We'd rather serve 1000 Muslims than one of our troops"". Who says undertakers don't have a sense of humour?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Lecturer: ""Gravity is the most fundamentally important force in the known universe!"" Student ""What if you took it away?"" Lecturer : ""Then we'd just have gravy"""

[lab]

Love that Ted .

[ted fenton]

"Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'."

[ted fenton]

"Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, ""Burger and chips, please."" ""Certainly, Sir,"" I replied. ""Are you eating in or taking out?"" ""You Bastard,"" he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen."

[The Stoat]

"This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favourite. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Don't cheat and look at the film list till you have done the maths! Here goes ... Film Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below. Film List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Gay Anal Fisting 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story"

[legrandefromage]

That would make you non-decimal

[Helmut Shown]

I'm identifying as non binary. So from now on I only deal in pounds shillings and pence.

[ted fenton]

"Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: £10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply."

[The Stoat]

"On a beautiful summer's day two English tourists were driving through Wales In the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the blonde Welsh waitress, ""Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us?ÔøΩ Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly? The girl leaned over and said Burrr Gurrr King"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Wife ""I've got a present for you that'll make you eyes pop out"" Husband ""What's that then?"" Wife ""A shirt with a 4 inch collar"""

[ted fenton]

"Golden Oldie. An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye. doctor The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.'"

[The Stoat]

"Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand .... ""I've run over a pig and it's still alive under the tractor !"" ""Shoot it"" says the farmer ""and then bury it"" The farmer gets another call. ""Done that, now what do you want me to do with his fucking speed camera?"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke walks into his local pub. Things have changed since the change of landlord. He walks up to the bar and speaks to the landlord and asks what's going on. The landlord says "" we are trying to go a bit upmarket we have refurbished the kitchen, laid new carpets, given it a lick of paint. "" The punter replies "" i have been coming in here for thirty years and all of that time there has always been snuff on the bar where is it? "" The landlord says ""I'll have some here for you when we open tonight"" Not wanting to disappoint a regular customer he phones around various suppliers to no avail. He has a think and sees a dried up dog turd on the pavement. He grinds it up in a pestle and mortar and puts it in a container on the bar. Later that evening the punter comes in sees the snuff and takes a large pinch and inhales it up his nose. He looks down at his feet to check if he's trodden in something then says to the landlord ""can you smell shit?"" The landlord says ""No, you must have trodden in something"" l ""No I've checked"" he replies and turns to the bloke next to him and says ""Can you smell shit in here"" ""I can't smell a thing"" the other man replies ""Is that snuff on the bar? "" he asks. He takes a large sniff of the snuff and says ""That snuff is really good. I can smell shit now!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Thank you Pentonville...I typed it out longhand and it was late..silly me. I stand corrected