THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

ted You should cut down on visiting pet stores mate üòÇüòÇ

[ted fenton]

"I walked into the pet shop yesterday and saw an old mate working there. I said, ""alright Vexed, don't you work in Burger King anymore then?"" ""Nah, moved on since then. What can I get you?"" ""Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog."" ""Do you want flies with that?"""

[joe royal]

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found dead at the house of a famous French footballer. Sounds like murder on Zidane's floor.

[The Stoat]

"My mate took performance enhancing drugs before he entered a bobsleigh event. He complained of feeling unwell, then he went down hill rapidly"

[With Kind Regards]

"I was rooting about in the back of the wardrobe this morning and Mrs WKR asked what I was doing. I told her, it's Narnia business""¶"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, ""How will I know if they are pregnant?"" The other farmer replied, ""If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."" The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, ""Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."" ""Neither,"" yelled his wife. ""They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."" 🤣🤣🤣"

[claret on my shirt]

More shocking behaviour about footballers and animals about to hit the press: Apparently there is footage of the Spurs team playing football with hedgehogs. By the time the police got to the scene the hedgehogs were 2-0 up.

[ted fenton]

"Australian Love Poem Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.. [ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. ]"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Kurt's missus...silly git

[Aalborg Hammer]

I believe it all started when Franks' missus said the cat needed to be chipped

[Queens Fish Bar]

How many WHOers do you need to create different threads on the same transfer window issues?

[Aalborg Hammer]

Saw Elvis in B & Q at lunchtime Returned a sander

[Briano]

What did the mathematician do when he was constipated? He worked it out with a pencil

[ted fenton]

"A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow? Kid: It left because there was no more grass."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A space craft landed in St Peter's Square A hatch opened and two little green aliens with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, ""I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"" ""Jesus Christ?!"" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. ""Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Nice bloke"". A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. ""Every two years?"" he shouted. ""We're still waiting for his second coming!"" ""Maybe he didn't like your beer?"" suggested the alien. ""Beer?"" replied the Pope. ""What in heaven's name does beer have to do with it?"" ""Well,"" said the alien. ""When he came to our planet, we bought him a beer. Why, what did you do?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A Welsh farmer is taking his driving test.The examiner says ""Can you make a U-Turn?"" He says ""I'll make her eyes water if I go in dry!"""

[Helmut Shown]

I went for a job as a human cannonball but was told I wasn't the right calibre for the job

[madeeasy]

Hate people who think they're worse off than everyone else. My mate Greg had a bad car accident and lost his voice and both his legs. Is he making a song and dance about it? No he isn't.

[ted fenton]

:-)

[Noah]

Nice one Ted. I have an ex-bird called Naomi. Same principle applied with her!

[ted fenton]

Ever wonder about those people who spend 2 pounds on those little bottles of Evian water ? Try spelling Evian backwards.

[The Stoat]

"Experts have predicted that by 2029, you will never be further than 3 feet away from a former Watford manager."

[ted fenton]

"RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it, as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Not sure if this is the Barry Cryer joke that is being mentioned. A devout Catholic fella is on the plane going to Rome to meet the pope. When he gets to the Vatican, he's ushered into a side room and told in hushed tones that the Pope has just passed away and the audience will have to be rearranged. They say that the news will be released on Sunday morning that he'd died in his sleep. He's asked not to mention a word of this to anyone and he'll be invited back when a date can be arranged. On the flight home,he realises that he could make a fortune having a bet . He mortgages his house,sells the car and goes into William Hill on the Old Kent road and puts the lot on the pope dying Saturday night. He gets very good odds and steps out onto the pavement nearly falling over a tramp sitting there with a begging bowl. Our man feels sorry for the tramp and says ""Are you a betting man?""ù The tramp says""ù Yes he is""ù and ""Why do you ask?""ù so the chap explains about the bet and gives the tramp a fiver to lay a bet. Sure enough, it's all over the news on Sunday and he goes to the bookies to pick up his winnings Putting the notes into his pocket he trips over the same wino he'd met the other day. ""Hello""ù he says ""I bet you're happy""ù ""Not really""ù says the tramp ""I did a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury """

[Queens Fish Bar]

"A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!"