THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[boleyn8420]

What do you call a Russian bedpan A Poohtin

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q. What did the Slug say to the snail ?? A.""BIG ISSUE !!!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"News from Buckingham Palace. The Queen's in bed with Covid 19 and Andrew's in bed with Chloe,17"

[The Stoat]

"Awful weather conditions today so just visited my 90 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shops. Turns out that she did, so I gave her my list too. No point in both of us going"

[ted fenton]

I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring. Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.

[ted fenton]

;-)

[The Stoat]

ted You should cut down on visiting pet stores mate üòÇüòÇ

[ted fenton]

"I walked into the pet shop yesterday and saw an old mate working there. I said, ""alright Vexed, don't you work in Burger King anymore then?"" ""Nah, moved on since then. What can I get you?"" ""Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog."" ""Do you want flies with that?"""

[joe royal]

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found dead at the house of a famous French footballer. Sounds like murder on Zidane's floor.

[The Stoat]

"My mate took performance enhancing drugs before he entered a bobsleigh event. He complained of feeling unwell, then he went down hill rapidly"

[With Kind Regards]

"I was rooting about in the back of the wardrobe this morning and Mrs WKR asked what I was doing. I told her, it's Narnia business""¶"

[COOL HAND LUKE]

"A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, ""How will I know if they are pregnant?"" The other farmer replied, ""If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."" The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, ""Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."" ""Neither,"" yelled his wife. ""They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."" 🤣🤣🤣"

[claret on my shirt]

More shocking behaviour about footballers and animals about to hit the press: Apparently there is footage of the Spurs team playing football with hedgehogs. By the time the police got to the scene the hedgehogs were 2-0 up.

[ted fenton]

"Australian Love Poem Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.. [ Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it.. ]"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Kurt's missus...silly git

[Aalborg Hammer]

I believe it all started when Franks' missus said the cat needed to be chipped

[Queens Fish Bar]

How many WHOers do you need to create different threads on the same transfer window issues?

[Aalborg Hammer]

Saw Elvis in B & Q at lunchtime Returned a sander

[Briano]

What did the mathematician do when he was constipated? He worked it out with a pencil

[ted fenton]

"A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow? Kid: It left because there was no more grass."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A space craft landed in St Peter's Square A hatch opened and two little green aliens with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, ""I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"" ""Jesus Christ?!"" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. ""Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Nice bloke"". A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. ""Every two years?"" he shouted. ""We're still waiting for his second coming!"" ""Maybe he didn't like your beer?"" suggested the alien. ""Beer?"" replied the Pope. ""What in heaven's name does beer have to do with it?"" ""Well,"" said the alien. ""When he came to our planet, we bought him a beer. Why, what did you do?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A Welsh farmer is taking his driving test.The examiner says ""Can you make a U-Turn?"" He says ""I'll make her eyes water if I go in dry!"""

[Helmut Shown]

I went for a job as a human cannonball but was told I wasn't the right calibre for the job

[madeeasy]

Hate people who think they're worse off than everyone else. My mate Greg had a bad car accident and lost his voice and both his legs. Is he making a song and dance about it? No he isn't.

[ted fenton]

:-)