THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"THE TAXMAN COMETH At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi... 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My sex change operation from a man to a woman went really well...in fact so good,I'm still trying to back the car out-of the hospital carpark"

[legrandefromage]

The IT teacher at our local school has just been arrested for interfering with his kids. Turns out he was a PDF file!

[bell]

"As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes, I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space."

[ted fenton]

"ONE OF MY FAVOURITES....... A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. 'Son, where were you today?' Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son! 'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!' 'What dvd?' 'Toy story.' Robot slaps the son again! 'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son. 'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.' Robot slaps the mum!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

A little known fact from the world of football. Brightons' Danny Welbecks ' father is a bomb disposal expert called Stan

[Too Much Too Young]

The Dyslexorcist. YOUR MOTHER COOKS SOCKS IN HELL.

[ted fenton]

"A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts..... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'"

[ted fenton]

"I called the RSPCA today and said, ""I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."" ""That's terrible,"" she replied. ""Are they moving?"" ""I'm not sure, to be honest,"" I said, ""But that would explain the suitcase."""

[ted fenton]

;-)

[eswing hammer]

"I showed my wife that Ted ,she said it was a good story!"

[ted fenton]

"This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said ""I would like to withdraw ¬£10""ù. The teller told her ""for withdrawals less than ¬£100, please use the ATM. The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her ""these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you""ù. The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said ""please help me withdraw all the money I have.""ù The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her ""you have ¬£300,000 in your account but the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to ¬£3000. ""Well please let me have ¬£3000 now.""ù The teller kindly handed ¬£3000 very friendly and with a smile to her. The old lady put ¬£10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit ¬£2990 back into her account. üòè The moral of this story is.... Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill."

[Mike Oxsaw]

Qatar world cup matches to be dry.

[ted fenton]

"I saw a woman reading 50 Shades of Grey on the train today. ""At least you don't have to lick your fingers to turn the pages"" I said with a smile, ""You disgusting sh#t!"" she screamed and stormed off down the carriage. Are all Kindle readers such miserable Sods?"

[Mad Dog]

"I used to have a girlfriend that was obsessed with fishing, it got so much I had to give her the elbow"

[ted fenton]

"I go fishing After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ""This is the cure for your wife's problem and what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"" ""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was in B & Q and I said to the girl ""Have you got anything for greasy ovens ?"" and she said ""Ammonia cleaner "" I said ""I'm sorry,I thought you worked here"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've just finished reading a cracking book ""Fights on a Narrowboat"" by R.G.Bargee"

[Coffee]

"My mate Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. Why not, I asked?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Chromosomes: the third gender -- XX = Female XY = Male YI = Geordie

[ted fenton]

:-)

[wd40]

Forgot about that one ted thanks I'll use it at work today.

[eswing hammer]

*Aalborg*

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Been up town drinking, now its late, missed the last bus, no taxi available, no way home No problem. Go to nearest Indian take away, order a meal for delivery to your house and jump in with the driver"

[ted fenton]

"Absolutely disgusting behaviour on Clacton beach about an hour ago !!!! I saw a man & a woman having an almighty argument in front of some young kids when suddenly she smacked the bloke on the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the bloke, the guy managed to snatch it off him & started whacking the copper AND his wife. I couldn't believe what l was seeing. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages! One of the better Golden Oldies ;-)"