THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

Yeah so have I ;-)

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

Ted..I heard that before

[ted fenton]

"Jacks new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on their way to see his parents, so he called them up and said ""Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture"". ""Oh Jack!"" she sighed ""I thought you had a real one this time."""

[Helmut Shown]

"A very religious couple get married. They had both saved themselves as sex outside wedlock was a sin to them. On the first night together he sat up in bed reading the bible and his wife eventually fell asleep. The next night again he sat reading his bible and the frustrated wife fell asleep. The next night as he read the bible she felt his hand creep under the covers and under her nightie. She turned to him and said ""At last, are you going to make me a woman?"" He replied "" No you're alright i was just wetting my finger to turn the page"""

[ted fenton]

"Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. ""Tell me about your staff,"" he asked Paddy. ""Well,"" said Paddy, ""there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."" ""That's disgraceful"" said the inspector, ""I need to interview the half-wit."" ""That'll be me then,"" said Paddy."

[ted fenton]

"A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'"

[boleyn8420]

We are so woke in this country we even have a male queen

[With Kind Regards]

Prince Andrew is also the Earl of Inverness. Does that make him the Loch Ness Noncer?

[The Stoat]

ted fenton 9:55 Sat Sep 17 ;-)

[ted fenton]

Hahahaha Stoatie ;-)

[The Stoat]

"Attendance Register Roll Call in a London School: Ahmed Al Shirah .........""Here"" Mustafa El Iqubal ........ ""Here"" Fatima Al Bindiri .......... ""Here"" Ali Achmar Shabeeb .... ""Here"" Mohammed Moses .......""Here"" Ali Sun Al Len ......... No Answer Ali Sun Al Len? A little girl stands up at the back of class ""For fuck's sake ....... It's Alison Allen"""

[ted fenton]

"Bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B&Q today. Assistant asked ""Will you be putting this up yourself?"" I said No - Its going in the lounge!"

[The Stoat]

A friend of mine told me he once had a near death experience as he had an orgasm. He didn't know whether he was coming or going.

[ted fenton]

"A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, ""I'm too old for this nonsense !"" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, ""Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."" The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- ""Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."" !!! The Cop left saying, "" Have a good day, Sir ""... Yeah I no it's old."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"If I drink myself to death, in full Millwall kit, do I qualify for a right state funeral?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I've got milk in my fridge that seen two monarchs,two prime ministers and two Chelsea managers"

[ted fenton]

No need to change the bank notes in Liverpool they already have charlie on them !

[joe royal]

News just in from a reliable source: All schools in Scotland are to be closed tomorrow. Nothing to do with the Queen....just that prince Andrew has arrived at Balmoral.

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics. Do you know what the bastards gave me for breakfast?? Cheerios !!

[ted fenton]

"Me and the wife were driving to visit some family . She starts as usual ""watch that tree, slow down, ""moaning away , anyway got so heated we ended up not speaking. Next thing the stupid sat nav leads us down this narrow lane to a farm yard by mistake . She looks at the pigs, sheep and cows and says sarcastically ""relatives of yours?"" I replied ""yeah inlaws"""

[ted fenton]

Coffee hahaha Aalborg very good

[Coffee]

ted fenton 1:27 Mon Aug 29 Strange that so many women experience perpetual menstruation.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Princess Diana's Ford Escort sells for £650k at auction - That's cheap considering Prince Andrews escort cost £12 million

[ted fenton]

"A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle. For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive. Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse."

[Son of Sam]

Just thinking back to when we were kids and the simple fun we had. Bring a couple of old tyres to the top of a hill and roll them down. Those were good years.