THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Briano]

"A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: ""Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"" Jeweller: ""Do you want it 18 carat?"" Yorkshireman: ""No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"""

[penners28]

"Bloke came up to me and said ""whats your availability to run a football team in sheffield next week?""ù I replied ""I cant manage wednesday""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Rolf Harris has been buried at sea. The location of his coffin has been marked by 2 little buoys

[riosleftsock]

I'm just off to fix Cat Stevens' caravan. Awning has broken.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When I first started my support group for perverted ice cream men, they came in their hundreds and thousands"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. Why don't you get a pregnant Barbie ? A.'Cos Ken came in a different box

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A priest goes into a pub to avoid the rain and spies a member of his congregation in there staring miserably into a pint. ""What's wrong, Brian?"" asks the kindly man of God. ""It's my grandfather"" replies Brian ""he's just died"". ""Well, did you not try to take him to Lourdes and get him cured?"" ""We had a whip-round in the pub and I went with him, but we had only been there an hour when he died"" answered Brian. ""Well"" comforts the Priest ""sometimes the Lord moves in mysterious ways"". ""I think it was more likely to be the speed of the 'king cricket ball that hit him in the head""."

[Haz]

BillyBondsBirthday 6:38 Fri Apr 21 Ag ag!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""I won't back down""ù - Tom Petty ""I may readjust my stance if you have a reasonable argument""ù - Tom Reasonable"

[Nurse Ratched]

BBB Arf! Where Didi Gogo? üòâ

[arsene york-hunt]

joyo 2:42 Sun Apr 16 That joke should be updated to Cristian Stellini

[Helmut Shown]

"Did you know if you enter Moyes, Sullivan and Cresswell in What 3 Words you end up shit creek?"

[BillyBondsBirthday]

I was pleased when the Gent sub Godeau came on in the 84th minute last night. I had been waiting for him.

[Stevethehammer]

David Moyes having 2 goalkeepers on the bench

[joyo]

Fat Frank must be the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley

[Westside]

"A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'"

[riosleftsock]

"Just had some great financial news, couldn't have come at a better time, with the cost of living crisis and the price of everything going up. The kid I sponsor in Africa has been eaten by a lion."

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's the similarity between George Michael and a pair of wellington boots- they both got sucked off in bogs

[The Stoat]

Police have confirmed that the man who fell 18 storeys from a rooftop night club was not a bouncer.

[Mirkwood]

Yeah Ted kept it going

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

"An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'"

[Son of Sam]

Hermit Road 11:56 Wed Apr 5

[lincslink]

Here here

[Hermit Road]

This should be renamed the Ted Fenton Memorial Joke thread

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Q .What goes ""CLIP CLOP ! CLIP CLOP ! BANG !! BANG !! ,CLIP CLOP ! CLIP CLOP ! A. An Amish drive-by shooting"