THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Seeing as there hasn't been an Indian Grand Prix for a while ,the Indian government gathered a 1000 eunuchs together ,selected half as the other weren't fit and they're having a race called the 'Indiaknackerless 500'"

[bell]

"The wife messaged earlier saying that three of the girls in her office all got sent flowers today, and they are gorgeous. That's probably why I said."

[Helmut Shown]

"Quasimodo limps into a pub and says to the barman ""Whisky"" ""Bell's alright?"" Asks the barman Quasimodo replies: "" mind your own fucking business"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke gets drunk and gets thrown out of his local pub. He walks along to another pub and gets talking to the landlord. He then boasts to him that even blindfolded he can tell the animal any skin comes from just by stroking it. The landlord challenges him and tells him if they blindfold him and he guesses what animal the pelt is from he'll give him a pint. He agrees and furthering his boast he also says that he will tell him what weapon killed the beast by examining the hole in the skin He is blindfolded and they bring a pelt for him to stroke. He says ""This skin comes from a leopard and it was killed by a .303 rifle"" The dumbfounded landlord says ""Correct"" and pulls him a pint. Next up they give him another pelt he strokes it and says ""this is a warthog and it was killed with an assegai"" ""Correct again"" says the landlord and pours him another pint. This goes on all night and he gets none of the tests wrong. He stumbles out of the pub pissed as a newt. When he wakes up in the morning with a monumental hangover he looks in the mirror and notices he has a black eye and no idea how he got it. He says to his wife ""Did I come home with a black eye last night?"" "" No"" she replies ""I gave it to you. You got into bed last night and shoved your hand in my knickers and said ""Skunk and it was killed with a meat cleaver"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just seen Jamie Oliver making a salad with watercress and lollo rosso.I'm not sure where his other kids were

[Pee Wee]

"I never thought I'd miss Ted, but even the jokes he Eddie B'd were a better standard than that."

[boleyn8420]

Where do penguins keep their eggs In an eggloo Who tells the best egg jokes Comedihens

[joe royal]

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down's syndrome I wanted my first time to be special.

[Aalborg Hammer]

My uncle was a crap ventriloquist - he used to stick his fingers up my arse and tell me not to say anything

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate Andy Zoff, was the best runner in our school."

[RoyalDocksGK]

"David Moyes, Ange Postecoglou and Mikel Arteta are in the pub. Moyesy goes up to the bar whilst the other two go find a table, and eventually comes back with 3 pints of Tennents. Once they've drunk those, Postecoglou goes up and comes back with 3 pints of Fosters. Next up is Arteta. Yet on his return he comes back with 2 pints of Madri. He places one down in front of David Moyes, and then takes a big gulp from the other other one. Postecoglou now very confused asks ""where's mine?""ù To which Arteta and Moyes both laugh, ""you're not in the 3rd round!""ù"

[Jasnik]

look nice....

[Jasnik]

Too Much Too Young 9:39 Fri Aug 25 And.. Mary had a little lamb She also had a Duck She put them on the mantelpiece To see if they would

[boleyn8420]

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree. You wave to him

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke buys an old oil lamp from an antiques shop. When he gets it home he decides to polish it up. As he starts there is a flash of lightning and a big apparition dressed in middle eastern traditional dress appears before him. ""I am the genie of the lamp, you have set me free. I will grant you three wishes"" the apparition says. The bloke says ""What anything I like?"" "" Yes anything"" the genie replies ""OK"" he says after some thought ""I want all the money I could ever use in a lifetime"" A big flash of lightning and the room is full of £50 notes ""Next"" he says ""I want to live in a luxury mansion in the sun with a big swimming pool and ten person hot tub"" Another flash of lightning and him and his money are transported to a beautiful mansion in the Caribbean with a large pool with a ten person hot tub. ""And your last wish?"" The genie asks The bloke replies "" I want to be surrounded with fanny"" Another big flash of lightning and he turns into a tampon"

[Too Much Too Young]

"Mary had a little skirt, it split right up the sides, and everywhere that Mary went, the boys could see her thighs. She also had another skirt, it split right up the front. She didn't wear that one."

[Aalborg Hammer]

I've just bought a Van Gogh coffee table. I've just noticed that it's got a bit of veneer missing.

[joyo]

"Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: ""I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."" Putin asks, ""Why blue?"" Stalin: ""I knew you would not object to the first one."

[Pee Wee]

Let the record state - that's crap.

[Robson]

"For the record here's my finest creation: I asked Jack Nicholson for his advice on the best way to ventilate my aviary. He said ""One flue over the cuckoo's nest."""

[Robson]

"All of the top 10 are actually pretty good except the one that won. Odd. It's not even been phrased to make it work properly, ignoring the fact that the pun itself is commonly used in playgrounds up and down the country (apparently). My 8 year old could have done better. The coffee shop one and the surrender one made me chuckle."

[Burnhammeronsea]

"That winning joke was something that would go down well on CITV. Comedy is so bland nowadays, sanitised by the wokery. The Nationwide joke was the best of the bad bunch."

[Lee Trundle]

"Yeah, it's not a great advert for the Fringe!"

[Pee Wee]

"Blimey, they make Ted look funny. I've thought that one day i'd go to the fringe, but if these are the best I think i'll pass"

[Lee Trundle]

"Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone My grandma describes herself as being in her ""twilight years"" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx"