THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[joyo]

"Texas Iron used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but then realized he was just beating a dead horse."

[Helmut Shown]

In our family it is a tradition at a funeral for the bereaved partner to throw the wreath over their shoulder to see who catches and is the next to die.

[joyo]

"A peado priest sympathiser,a conspiracy theorist and an Italian tramp walk into a bar So the barman says ""The usual class of cheap wine again goose?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A couple visit a restaurant .The waiter takes their order for octopus. The waiter says "" The octopus will take four hours to cook"" ""Four hours to cook an octopus!!?"" ""Yes,he keeps turning the gas off"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why do bees stay in their hives in the winter? Swarm

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Auditions are currently taking place for the next blockbuster American disaster movie : ""A Bridge Too Few."""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The asylum seeker says ""I'm hungry."" (POW!!!) A huge banquet appears! He then says ""Now | want a nice house."" (POW!!) A big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says""! want to be British."" (POW!!) everything vanishes! He asks ""Where has everything gone?"" The fairy says ""You're British now mate, you're entitled to fuck all."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Jesus and the disciples go into the Garden of Gethsemane bistro for the last supper - Peter says ""Table for 26 please"" ""But there's only 13 of you"" says the waiter ""Yes ,but we're only sitting on one side"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just cost me a pound , yes , one English pound ,to put air in my car tyres .Used to be 20p - suppose that's inflation for you"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate used to call his wedding anniversary day ""Bruce Lee day"" 'cos he used to go home and Enter the Dragon"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke comes home from work * and says to his wife ""Do you want to try a new sex position? "" ""OK"" she says ""What do I have to do?"" He says ""It's called the wheelbarrow - take all your clothes off and lie on the floor face down - I'll pick your legs up, enter you from behind and you set off walking on your hands"" ""OK"" she says ""but don't go past my Mum's house"" *Not the same bloke as the flavoured condom joke"

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

"Koi fish always travel in groups of four. If attacked, Koi A, B and C will scatter, leaving behind the D Koi."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I got a call from my son's school today... ""Hello ,is that Mr.Jenkins?"" ""Yes ,how can I help??"" ""Hi,this is little Billy's music teacher"" ""Oh-hello"" ""Yeah hi,I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands"" ""Really ?? Wow!!"" ""Yeah- we found him dead on the toilet"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I bought an old Elvis record from the market ""Wooden Leg""ù I said to the store owner, "" I thought he sang Wooden Heart?""ù He said ""No...This is the pirate version"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Dogs can't operate MRI machines - cats can

[Briano]

Knock knock Who's there Impatient cow ImpatMOO

[OK_Guy]

what do you call a blind German? ...a 'not see'

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke comes home from work and says to his wife "" Do you fancy a sex game??"" "" Ok"" she says "" What do I have to do?"" He says ""I've got a box of flavoured condoms,all you've got to is guess which is which"" She dives under the table and says "" Cheese and onion?"" He says "" Hold on,I haven't put one on yet"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"My all time favourite from Tommy Cooper: They say 1 in 5 of the world's population is Chinese. Well there are 5 in my family. There's Mum and Dad, Me my brother Dave and my other brother Chang Lee.......... I think it's Dave"

[joyo]

Why does the modern day Italian navy buy glass bottomed ships? So that they can see the old Italian navy.

[boleyn8420]

How do you tell when a clock is hungry It goes back four seconds

[chim chim cha boo]

"I used to cringe at some of the shitty jokes on here but now look back with nostalgia, realising that you are keeping the memory of dear old Ted Fenton, king of the shit joke +and the weather forecast) alive, God bless him. So carry on boys."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"I dreamt last night that I had Alzheimer's. Woke up this morning, couldn't remember a thing."

[mtchammer]

I guessed orange but it was chocolate; I guessed toffee but it was peanut; I guessed strawberry but it was coffee. I was wrong on so many Revels.

[Aalborg Hammer]

My dad wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.