THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[F 129 Row66]

She was only a carpenter's daughter, but loved a bit of tongue in groove.

[XKhammer]

Man has been admitted to hospital after sticking 24 plastic toy horses up his rectum 

His condition has been described as stable 

[Helmut Shown]

A bloke is stood at a urinal and another bloke stands next to him and starts to piss. All of a sudden the first bloke is covered in the second bloke’s piss.
”Sorry mate” he says mortified “I have had an STD and I’ve got fissures all down my cock”
The first bloke takes out a piece of paper and scribbles a phone number and gives it to the second bloke and says “Here give this bloke a ring, he might be able to help you”
the second bloke replies “Is he a doctor”
”No” the bloke replies “he plays the flute. He’ll teach you how to hold it”

[Helmut Shown]

What is the difference between a boatkeeper on the river Cam and Trump and Putin meeting over Ukraine

the boatkeeper takes care of punts………

[F 129 Row66]

What is the difference between the 3-2-1 TV show and native American blokes?

One has Ted Rogers.........................

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

Son - Dad? Why is my sister named Teresa?

Dad - Well, it's an anagram of Easter, and your mum loves Easter.

Son - Thanks Dad.

Dad - No worries Alan.

[Bungo]

"In advance of the Oasis ticket sale on 31st August, Ticketmaster have announced that they've doubled their IT and customer support staff to deal with the demand. Both employees are very excited although they will have to share a desk."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""Waiter , was fish one of the specials?"" ""No..he was with Marillion !!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man ""This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."" The man says ""Ok"" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man ""It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?"". The man responds, ""The porridge could do with a little more sugar."" The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says ""Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?"". ""The bed sheets are a bit thin."" Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks ""15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"". ""Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me."" says the man. ""Yes, yes"" sighs the head monk ""I think that's for the best. You've done fuck all but complain since you got here."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Have you seen that Argos are selling 20ft pool tables? The queues are massive

[joyo]

Football Madeleine McCann Shamima Begum Jay Slater Who's coming home first?

[Mike Oxsaw]

I see that the Chinese have just landed on the Moon again. They've already rounded up all the Clangers and set them to work making iPhones in slave labour camps.

[Helmut Shown]

"I was trying to book a guest house in Cornwall. I phoned one and asked where it was. She said it was in an unmarked path a stones throw away from the beach. I said ""How will I recognise it"" ? She said ""All the windows are broken"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, ""Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"" Cashier:""It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"" Ten Hag:""Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United""ù. Cashier: ""Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."" Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."" Cashier: ""I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."" Ten Hag:""Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."" Cashier: ""Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."" ""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"" Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, ""Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."" Cashier: ""Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"Two large women are walking through a park. One says to the other ""is there a public toilet in the park? ""No""ù says the other one ""the council have closed it down""ù ""We'll I'm busting to pee""ù she said ""Why don't you hang your bum over the parapet of the river bridge? There aren't any people about""ù ""OK""ù she says and adjusts her clothing and sits on the parapet. Just as she starts going she hears from below ""Oi! You've just peed in my canoe""ù Mortified she replies ""I'm so sorry, I thought it was my reflection""ù"

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"I got home from work, the wife said that the hospital had rung, they wanted a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample. She said she had just given them my underpants from the washing basket."

[Helmut Shown]

85% of Liverpudlian men say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

[Helmut Shown]

"A man says to his wife ""Get ready me, you and the dog are going fishing""ù His wife says ""You know I hate fishing, I don't want to go""ù He replies ""I'll give you three options, come fishing, give me a blow job, or let me do you up the arse""ù She reluctantly chooses the blow job but as she is doing it she chokes and says ""your cock tastes like shit""ù He replies ""I know, the dog didn't want to go either""ù"

[Mike Oxsaw]

I went for a health check-up at my doctors and all they wanted was a urine sample. I think that they're just taking the piss.

[Helmut Shown]

Q. What's pink and smells of ginger A. Fred Astaire's fingers

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife said if you're bored , why don't you make a bird table -Now she's kicking off 'cos she's in fifth place"

[joyo]

What's better than winning gold at the paraolympics ? Walking

[Darlo Debs]

"One friend to another, I see how you get Bill from William and Bob from Robert, but how do you get Dick from Richard. Friend replies...show him.your minge. Also nicked from FB"

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

I've got a date with a women who identifies as a wheelie bin. Unfortunately I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday. *Shamelessly nicked from Facebook*

[BillyJenningsBoots]

Shouldnt that be flogging.... joyless