Viz

[Far Cough UKunt]

MC Hammer owned an antiques shop and took his role very seriously. He had signs all over warning "You can't touch this".


Go on then.

[Mr Logic]

WHOEVER coined the phrase 'cleanliness is next to godliness' was talking out of his arse. I looked them up in the dictionary last night. Godly and godsend are next to godliness. Cleanliness was 343 pages away.

Jeff Hobbs, London

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they?Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond 

[violator]

Hide potatoes wrapped in tin foil around your house and then if it burns down, at least you have a tasty snack.

When your meat paste jar is practically empty, get the dog to lick out any remaining contents and scrape his tongue with a cracker for a tasty snack.

Sticking two Shredded Wheat to the roof of a birdhouse gives it that ' thatched cottage' look

Anorexics: when your knees are wider than your thighs, start eating cakes again.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurts by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

[scott_d]

When people talk about David Beckham, they always say that he's a brilliant footballer but thick as two short planks. 
You never hear anyone saying that Stephen Hawking is a genius, but shite at football, do you?
As usual it's one rule for England captains and another for theoretical quantum physicists.

Nick Jones
Sheffield

[onsideman]

I recently went on an 18-30 holiday for the first time, I was very disappointed to find there were no discussion groups or lectures on the assession to the throne by William lV…..mind you I did get a great nosh off a lass from Blackpool

[Russ of the BML]

I hope your readers can help. We all know the act of sniffing a ladies bike seat is called 'snurgling'. But is the person undertaking the activity a more traditionally spelt 'snurgler' or is it the more modern American style 'snurglar'? Any help would be appreciated. I don't want to get it wrong on the interests and hobbies section of this job application form I am completing. Thanks readers. 

Alan McFunt, Falkirk

[Mr Logic]

CAN YOU settle an argument? My wife says I'm a drunken bastard for coming home at 3 in the morning and pissing in the wardrobe. I say she's a lazy cow who never makes any effort to look nice, and if she gave me a bit now and then I wouldn't have to go looking for it elsewhere. Who is correct?

Bert Weedon, Chorleywood

[Russ of the BML]

Before Bono asks the working classes for more money to pay for food in some dry and dusty African country, he should have a a think about the amount he spends on yellow, pink and orange tinted glasses. It must be a fortune. Every time I see him he has a new pair. Why doesn't he use that money to send to the starving. Or, of course, just buy one pair of glasses and wear those all the time, then I may not have a problem. 

Ryan Sidewhitt
Rotheram

[Lee Trundle]

"They say that carbon monoxide is the silent killer in the home. Not in my house it's not. It was my husband Fred"

Rose West, Durham.

[violator]

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Aldridge Prior...Steve McQueen's body double