THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Helmut Shown]

A soldier returns home from Oman. After a couple of days he gets a knock at the door. “Special delivery from the Sultan of Oman” the delivery bloke says and hands him some leather reins. He looks around the door opening and sees a camel on the ends of the reins. “What am I supposed to do with this?” He exclaims. The delivery bloke gives him a card and it says “In recognition of your services to the Sultan” He knows that to send it back would be regarded as a great insult, so he decides to ride the camel to work. He gets halfway there and gets stopped by the police. He tells them how he came to be riding a camel to work. The officious policeman says “I’d better take some details, what is the animal?” The soldier says “I believe it’s a dromedary” “And what sex is it?” Asks the copper. “Oh It’s female” he replies.
”You seem very sure” the copper says “how can you tell?” The soldier smiles and says “ when I was coming up the high street somebody shouted look at the cսnt on that camel”

[Bungo]

Complete genius...

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
“Why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
I'm a shepherd spy."

[F 129 Row66]

What is the difference between sincere gratitude and a huge turd?

Sincere gratitude comes from the bottom of your heart................

[Aalborg Hammer]

My friend's sex change operation from a male to female went really well yesterday. In fact,it was so successful,he's still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park

[F 129 Row66]

Man goes to a Doctor and says "Doctor I get a sharp pain when I lift my arm above my head."

Doctor says: "Well don't do it."

[Aalborg Hammer]

The Pope wakes up in hospital and asks if he was in heaven "No, we're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward"

[Helmut Shown]

An African chief comes to London to discuss mining rights with the British government. They put him and his entourage in the Ritz. He wakes up the next day and asks one of his wives:
"Woman fetch me water"
She returns with a jug of water and he drinks it. The next day, once again, he says:
 "Woman fetch me water"
She goes away and brings back a jug of water and he drinks it.
He awakens the next day and once again he says:
 "Woman fetch me water"
This time she goes away and comes back empty handed. He says to her:
 " I asked you to bring me water and you have disobeyed me, why should I not beat you for your disobedience "
She replies " I am so sorry I couldn't get the water as the white man is sitting on the well"

[F 129 Row66]

An inspector goes into a bakery.
Sees a bloke making pies.
He takes out his false teeth and starts crimping the pastry.
The inspector says: "Haven't you got a tool for that?"
The bloke replies: "No, I used that for putting the holes in the ring doughnuts."

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

Holly Willoughby, Philip Schofield and Gino de Campo are walking over a bridge.
Holly trips, and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without thinking twice, Gino pulls her knickers to one side and fucks her senseless.
After he's done, he turns to Schofield and says "Your turn Pip".
Hearing this, Schofield busts into uncontrollable tears.
"What's wrong?", asks de Campo.
Schofield, between sobs replies "my head won't fit between the railings".

[F 129 Row66]

What's the difference between a romantic novel and the new spurs stadium?

One is full of Cupid's stunts.........................

[Helmut Shown]

Two blokes walking down a road and they see a dog licking his bollocks. The first man says "I wish I could do that". The other replies "do you want me to hold the dog down while you do it?"

[F 129 Row66]

She was only a carpenter's daughter, but loved a bit of tongue in groove.

[XKhammer]

Man has been admitted to hospital after sticking 24 plastic toy horses up his rectum 

His condition has been described as stable 

[Helmut Shown]

A bloke is stood at a urinal and another bloke stands next to him and starts to piss. All of a sudden the first bloke is covered in the second bloke’s piss.
”Sorry mate” he says mortified “I have had an STD and I’ve got fissures all down my cock”
The first bloke takes out a piece of paper and scribbles a phone number and gives it to the second bloke and says “Here give this bloke a ring, he might be able to help you”
the second bloke replies “Is he a doctor”
”No” the bloke replies “he plays the flute. He’ll teach you how to hold it”

[Helmut Shown]

What is the difference between a boatkeeper on the river Cam and Trump and Putin meeting over Ukraine

the boatkeeper takes care of punts………

[F 129 Row66]

What is the difference between the 3-2-1 TV show and native American blokes?

One has Ted Rogers.........................

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

Son - Dad? Why is my sister named Teresa?

Dad - Well, it's an anagram of Easter, and your mum loves Easter.

Son - Thanks Dad.

Dad - No worries Alan.

[Bungo]

"In advance of the Oasis ticket sale on 31st August, Ticketmaster have announced that they've doubled their IT and customer support staff to deal with the demand. Both employees are very excited although they will have to share a desk."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""Waiter , was fish one of the specials?"" ""No..he was with Marillion !!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man ""This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."" The man says ""Ok"" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man ""It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?"". The man responds, ""The porridge could do with a little more sugar."" The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says ""Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?"". ""The bed sheets are a bit thin."" Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks ""15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"". ""Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me."" says the man. ""Yes, yes"" sighs the head monk ""I think that's for the best. You've done fuck all but complain since you got here."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Have you seen that Argos are selling 20ft pool tables? The queues are massive

[joyo]

Football Madeleine McCann Shamima Begum Jay Slater Who's coming home first?

[Mike Oxsaw]

I see that the Chinese have just landed on the Moon again. They've already rounded up all the Clangers and set them to work making iPhones in slave labour camps.

[Helmut Shown]

"I was trying to book a guest house in Cornwall. I phoned one and asked where it was. She said it was in an unmarked path a stones throw away from the beach. I said ""How will I recognise it"" ? She said ""All the windows are broken"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, ""Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"" Cashier:""It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"" Ten Hag:""Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United""ù. Cashier: ""Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."" Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."" Cashier: ""I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."" Ten Hag:""Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."" Cashier: ""Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."" ""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"" Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, ""Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."" Cashier: ""Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?""ù"