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THE joke threads (part 5)
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Whilst 'off-topic' means all non-football topics can be discussed. This is not a free for all. Rights to this area of the forum aren't implicit, and illegal, defamator, spammy or absuive topics will be removed, with the protagonist's sanctioned.
Whilst 'off-topic' means all non-football topics can be discussed. This is not a free for all. Rights to this area of the forum aren't implicit, and illegal, defamator, spammy or absuive topics will be removed, with the protagonist's sanctioned.
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Noncing has managed to infiltrate the Jokes Thread now! I can't fucking breathe you cunts 


Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
joyo and his girlfriend are arguing over what music to listen to.
she says "i'm not listening to michael jackson, he was a paedophile"
joyo says: "that's a big word for an 8 year old".
she says "i'm not listening to michael jackson, he was a paedophile"
joyo says: "that's a big word for an 8 year old".
- MaryMillingtonsGhost
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
English man: "That your dog?
Welsh man: "Aye"
English man: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welsh man: "Dog don't talk."
English man: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right.
"Welsh man: (look of shock)
English man: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welsh man)
Dog: "Yep."
English man: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welsh man: (Look of total disbelief!)
English man: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh man: "Horse don't talk."
English man: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welsh man: (Extreme look of shock!)
English man: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welsh man)
Horse: "Yep."
English man: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welsh man: (Look of total amazement!)
English man: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh man: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!"
Welsh man: "Aye"
English man: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welsh man: "Dog don't talk."
English man: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right.
"Welsh man: (look of shock)
English man: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welsh man)
Dog: "Yep."
English man: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welsh man: (Look of total disbelief!)
English man: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh man: "Horse don't talk."
English man: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welsh man: (Extreme look of shock!)
English man: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welsh man)
Horse: "Yep."
English man: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welsh man: (Look of total amazement!)
English man: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh man: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!"
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's the difference between a Wimpey building sight and the Brighton nude beach?
One is full of dense Micks.....
One is full of dense Micks.....
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
GANK
He was just 'pushing on' to see what she would say...
It's called the 'presumptive challenge'...
PS ...but thanks for being a pedantic arsehole
He was just 'pushing on' to see what she would say...
It's called the 'presumptive challenge'...
PS ...but thanks for being a pedantic arsehole
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
COOL HAND LUKE" wrote: ↑28 May 2025, 11:42 Bloke is on his death bed, and he asks his wife "I have to know before I die - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Erm, well yes" she says, but there were good reasons why I did it. "Tell me", he said.
"Well, that time we needed the new home loan and nobody was listening... I went out that night and hooked up with the mortgage man, and the next day, we got our loan!"
"Then there was the time you needed that life-saving operation, but it wasn't covered by the NHS... I hooked up with the surgeon who agreed to treat you for free!"
"Okay, I forgive you for those, you were looking out for us", said the man. "But what about the third time..?"
"Well", she said, "do you remember when you were in the running for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes... ... ..."
How did he know there were more than two occasions? She didn't say that.
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bloke is on his death bed, and he asks his wife "I have to know before I die - have you ever cheated on me?"
"Erm, well yes" she says, but there were good reasons why I did it. "Tell me", he said.
"Well, that time we needed the new home loan and nobody was listening... I went out that night and hooked up with the mortgage man, and the next day, we got our loan!"
"Then there was the time you needed that life-saving operation, but it wasn't covered by the NHS... I hooked up with the surgeon who agreed to treat you for free!"
"Okay, I forgive you for those, you were looking out for us", said the man. "But what about the third time..?"
"Well", she said, "do you remember when you were in the running for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes... ... ..."
"Erm, well yes" she says, but there were good reasons why I did it. "Tell me", he said.
"Well, that time we needed the new home loan and nobody was listening... I went out that night and hooked up with the mortgage man, and the next day, we got our loan!"
"Then there was the time you needed that life-saving operation, but it wasn't covered by the NHS... I hooked up with the surgeon who agreed to treat you for free!"
"Okay, I forgive you for those, you were looking out for us", said the man. "But what about the third time..?"
"Well", she said, "do you remember when you were in the running for president of your golf club, and you needed 17 more votes... ... ..."
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A priest is driving home and he spots a dead pig in the road. He stops to call the police to let them know.
A cocky sergeant takes the call. "Have you read the pig it's last rites yet?" he smirks.
"No", says the priest, "I thought I would inform his next of kin first..."
A cocky sergeant takes the call. "Have you read the pig it's last rites yet?" he smirks.
"No", says the priest, "I thought I would inform his next of kin first..."
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Doctor: I've got bad news and good news
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your cancer has spread. There is no further effective treatment. I have referred you to palliative care and booked you into the local Hospice.
Patient: What's the good news then?
Doctor: See that staff Nurse over there? She gave me a blow job last night.
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your cancer has spread. There is no further effective treatment. I have referred you to palliative care and booked you into the local Hospice.
Patient: What's the good news then?
Doctor: See that staff Nurse over there? She gave me a blow job last night.
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Teacher: Auspices means with the protection or support of someone or something, especially an organization. Can one of you give an example of a sentence with the word auspices.
Boy at the back: When the 'orse pisses the stable floor gets wet.
Boy at the back: When the 'orse pisses the stable floor gets wet.
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Giuseppe lived in a small town in Italy and had done so for 80 years. He was increasingly growing concerned about the disdain he was experiencing from his neighbors and townspeople he'd known his whole life. One day a tourist visiting the town came up to Giuseppe and asked him what was the matter and why everyone seemed to dislike him so much.
He said, "I was a great architect when I was young, and built the chapel, the ampitheater, and all of the aqueducts, but does anyone care? No!"
"Before I was an architect, I was also a doctor. I delivered our Mayor's baby, saved a woman from a deadly snakebite, and discovered a new antibiotic which has helped hundreds of people. Does anyone remember? No!"
"In my spare time I also compose and play music and have written multiple world-renowned concertos. Do you think they care? No!"
Bewildered, the tourist couldn't imagine why the townspeople didn't like him, and asked, "So what's the problem??"
With a sigh, Giuseppe said, "Ahh, but you fuck one goat...."
He said, "I was a great architect when I was young, and built the chapel, the ampitheater, and all of the aqueducts, but does anyone care? No!"
"Before I was an architect, I was also a doctor. I delivered our Mayor's baby, saved a woman from a deadly snakebite, and discovered a new antibiotic which has helped hundreds of people. Does anyone remember? No!"
"In my spare time I also compose and play music and have written multiple world-renowned concertos. Do you think they care? No!"
Bewildered, the tourist couldn't imagine why the townspeople didn't like him, and asked, "So what's the problem??"
With a sigh, Giuseppe said, "Ahh, but you fuck one goat...."
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's the difference between Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.
Roy Rogers had a prarie hat..................
Roy Rogers had a prarie hat..................
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
A goldfish mucks about in fountains...
A goldfish mucks about in fountains...
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
In college, our biology teacher had a locked box where we could submit questions that he would read to the class without embarrassing anyone. Someone submitted a question about “what is sperm made of?” and he answered saying it’s primarily made of protein and sugars.
Without thinking, a girl at the back of the class asked “then why does it taste so sour?"
Without thinking, a girl at the back of the class asked “then why does it taste so sour?"
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My daughter at about age 10 came to me and asked what gay is.
I explained to her that people are normally attracted to the opposite sex but a minority are attracted to the same sex. I told her there is nothing wrong with this and that there is no reason to treat them differently, as to them it is perfectly normal.
She said: " I understand, it's like a poof."
I explained to her that people are normally attracted to the opposite sex but a minority are attracted to the same sex. I told her there is nothing wrong with this and that there is no reason to treat them differently, as to them it is perfectly normal.
She said: " I understand, it's like a poof."
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bloke goes into the police station... "I want to report an incident - this morning, as I was walking my dog along by the railway, I rescued a woman off the tracks!"
Constable behind the desk says, "Wow, that's very public spirited of you." "Yes" says fella grins and winks "bit of alright she was too, I must say."
Constable smirks, "Well, I expect you got your 'reward' then Sir, eh?" "You bet" says the man, "between you and I, for the next hour I had some of the sex I've ever had!"
Constable leans in and whispers conspiratorially, "You lucky bastard, Sir, I bet you got a wonderful blow-job as well, didn't you?"
"Nah" says the man... "I couldn't find her head..."
Constable behind the desk says, "Wow, that's very public spirited of you." "Yes" says fella grins and winks "bit of alright she was too, I must say."
Constable smirks, "Well, I expect you got your 'reward' then Sir, eh?" "You bet" says the man, "between you and I, for the next hour I had some of the sex I've ever had!"
Constable leans in and whispers conspiratorially, "You lucky bastard, Sir, I bet you got a wonderful blow-job as well, didn't you?"
"Nah" says the man... "I couldn't find her head..."
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What is the difference between David Lammy and shit?
Buggered if I know
Buggered if I know
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I hear the Pope is lying face down in state in an open coffin. So that when Trump arrives he can kiss his ring
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Q. What is t he difference between Donald Trump and a sack of shit
A. The sack
A. The sack
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's the difference between a Charles Dicken novel, and a book about a woman that sold her breasts for transplant.
One is the Tale of Two Cities
The other is The Sale of Two Titties
One is the Tale of Two Cities
The other is The Sale of Two Titties
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Night Manager at a country hotel sees a man go out with his fishing gear every morning and come back at night for five nights.
He looks at the register and finds he is in the honeymoon suite.
On his return he asks the man why, since he's on honeymoon why isn't he staying with the wife and giving her one.
"Can't," he replied "She's got Gonorrhoea."
"Can't you go in the back door?"
"No mate she has diarrhoea,"
"Well a blow job then."
"She's got pyorrhea."
"So why the fuck did you bring her."
"For the maggots."
He looks at the register and finds he is in the honeymoon suite.
On his return he asks the man why, since he's on honeymoon why isn't he staying with the wife and giving her one.
"Can't," he replied "She's got Gonorrhoea."
"Can't you go in the back door?"
"No mate she has diarrhoea,"
"Well a blow job then."
"She's got pyorrhea."
"So why the fuck did you bring her."
"For the maggots."
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What smells of fish, has two legs and flies?
Tight fitting ladies jeans
Tight fitting ladies jeans
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Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's the difference between an alcoholic and a gay man?
An alcoholic likes bottoms up.........
An alcoholic likes bottoms up.........