THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Too Much Too Young]

"With the two comebacks of Liverpool and Spurs, it wouldn't surprise me if Maddie MacCann presented the trophy."

[ted fenton]

"A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ""I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."" The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ""Is your bet still good?"", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ""If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"" The Irishman replies, ""Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first""."

[CrowleyHammer]

Prince Harry has announced the name of his new baby boy. He's going to call him Seatbelt. It's what his mother would have wanted.

[eswing hammer]

"My wife wanted to take me to the new Westfield shopping centre ,l said no ,once you've seen one shopping centre,you've seen the Mall !"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When Lord Nelson died, he was five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is fifteen feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1."

[joe royal]

"Errol Brown died 4 years ago yesterday You don't remember him, do you?"

[Manip]

New Royal baby to be named Rodney! After Dave. swt

[The Stoat]

IT'S A BOY IT'S A BOY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT A BOY That's the last time I visit a Thai brothel.

[BRANDED]

After finding cocaine in shrimp the police have arrested the notorious drug dealer Pablo Oysterbar in prawn raids.

[collyrob]

I heard the Barca ultras are going for revenge next week in Liverpool by walking round pushing the locals into job centres üòÇüòÇ

[ray winstone]

Messi is that good he would still find space in a single bed with Gemma Collins.....

[lab]

"Was in a queue at the checkout in my local supermarket yesterday . Poor ol girl in front of me collapsed and died. Felt really sad for her , she had just bought a bag for life."

[Mr Kenzo]

Hahahahahahahahaha

[Aalborg Hammer]

*Sticks toe in water glancing upstream towards Mr.Kenzo* What goes 'clip clop clip clop bang !! bang!! clip clop clip clop' ?? An Amish drive by shooting

[Mirkwood]

Haha cheered me up that.

[The Stoat]

"The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""Cah"", not a single one could shout ""bike"""

[frank marker]

Alfie 1:53 Fri Apr 19 More like this please.

[lab]

Exactly . Please carry on AH.

[Coffee]

Mr Kenzo AH posts many of the best on this thread. Maybe your humour bone would benefit from an appointment with Mr Fixit?

[Mr Kenzo]

AH - Try and post something remotely funny for a change ?

[Aalborg Hammer]

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac doesn't

[Aalborg Hammer]

Jokes about white sugar are rare but brown sugar - Demerara.

[Noah]

I'm seeing this bird with really bad eczema... Cracking tits though.

[cheeses cruyf]

"I bumped into an old mate in town earlier. I asked him what he was up to these days. ""I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing.""ù ""Charity work?""ù ""No. Weatherspoons.""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Apologies if already done...it just tickled me... I've been training my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour and twenty minutes