THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

Good God Aalborg that's as old as me !!!!!

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q.What do you call a girl who's had an operation on her piles?? A.Anita Harris

[collyrob]

"I told you before Alfie, you are painfully unfunny."

[Alfie]

"Copper stops a youth on the streets of london Youth dem: ' an what copper, an what bredda, what you pull me for?' Man dem: ' no reason sir other than to say we are having a jamboree at the local station on saturday in aid of the homeless and i wanted to give you this flyer. It will be really good fun' Yoot dem: ' you mean there is no implicit or unspoken racist intent in your engaging with me star?' Man dem: ' no sir. There will be a tombola, and home made jam stalls and that' Yoot mans: ' sweet as. See you there you gi me' Passer by ' What a lovely harmonious vignette of london street life in 2019'"

[mallard]

Aalborg Hammer 9:23 Fri Apr 12 Superb !

[ray winstone]

https://youtu.be/UrFa51JU3sM

[ted fenton]

"An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!!!"

[Haz]

Just learned that a dentist a block away from here has been arrested for dealing drugs. It shows you just how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over 10 years. Never knew he was a dentist.

[Mike Oxsaw]

Dianne Abbot is suing Tesco for using her signature on their Hot Cross Buns.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Went to a bulimia party yesterday. Place was heaving.

[joyo]

Just been watching Benefit street and to be honest it's not much different to Sesame Street.... Both have a big bird and bloke living out of a bin plus loads of people trying to learn the alphabet.

[devonhammer]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey cokey.... But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

[arsegrapes]

"Ali and Mohammad were begging on a street in London. Mohammad was just getting by, but couldn't work out how Ali drove home in a new BMW and owned a large house outright, so he asked Ali how he could afford so much while he was still sleeping rough? Ali said, ""that's easy I just hold up this sign""ù, which read ""¬£10.00 to go back home, thank you please""ù!"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old Yorkshireman was lying on his bed dying. With a weak voice he asks: ""Is r lass ""òere?""ù ""Aye,am here luv""ù ""Are mi kids ""òere?""ù ""Aye,they're all ""òere,luv""ù ""Are mi grandkids ""òere?""ù ""Yes Granddad,we're all ""òere""ù ""Then why is the bloody light in kitchen still on?""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife asked if I loved her or football the most. I said ""open your legs and I'll show you""ù. Nutmegged her."

[arsene york-hunt]

"Scouser goes with a prostitute, she asks him if he wants a blow job, He says ""Will it effect my dole money?"""

[joyo]

Elton John is going to release a charity single for the Mosque shooting victims in Christchurch.... Its going to be called 'sandels in the bin'

[Jasnik]

Declan Rice wins Irish Young Player of the Year award

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mother was a red Indian and my father a Scotsman...they were going to call me 'Hawkeye the Noo'

[CrowleyHammer]

I reused to believe I was gay and dyslexic..... I was in daniel.

[arsene york-hunt]

Man: I keep smelling rotten eggs Doctor: It sounds like you are suffering from an olfactory hallucination. It could be a symptom of a neurological process When do you have this experience? Man: Every time I fart

[The Stoat]

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perfom under pressure I told the interviewer I didn't really know that one but could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody

[Aalborg Hammer]

I poured my root beer into a square glass...now I just have beer

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

And the winner is.................devonhammer

[devonhammer]

"Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first."