THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Helmut Shown]

"A man gets sentenced to life imprisonment and after fifteen years he is released on licence. He manages to squeeze into his clothes and as he leaves the prison he feels in his pocket and pulls out a ticket for a cobblers. Intrigued, he finds that the cobblers shop is still open for business, so he goes in and shows the cobbler the ticket. ""Stone me! "" says the cobbler ""thats an old one"". He looks behind the counter and says ""They'll be ready next Thursday"""

[pdcwhu]

Harry Cane now No Salah compared to Messi

[Trevor B]

FYI they always said goodnight ;-)

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I went to an auction with my mate He got a signed photo of Ronnie Barker for 50p, I got a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett for 50p. Bargains So it was good buy from him and a good buy from me"

[Willtell]

"An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

[Willtell]

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex? A. A bus shelter.

[Willtell]

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl? A. Granny.

[Willtell]

"A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. ""How many children?"" asks the welfare officer. ""Ten"" replies the Liverpool girl. ""Ten?"" says the welfare worker. ""What are their names?"" ""Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"" ""Doesn't that get confusing?"" ""Naah..."" says the Liverpool girl, ""It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. ""What if you want to speak to one individually?"" says the curious welfare worker. ""That's easy,"" says the Liverpool girl.. ""I just use their surnames"""

[cuzoftheeast]

"I haven't spoken to my mother in law in a year - well, I hate to interrupt her"

[Manip]

Made me laugh anyway. https://youtu.be/__FpOhlzV7I

[Aalborg Hammer]

"DON'T join the Tesco dating service,whatever you do,my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life"

[The Stoat]

Did you know the the Magnificent Seven once filmed an aftershave commercial at Anfield? Actually only six of them took part because ....... Yul never wore cologne

[whoareya]

"West Ham was offered, 40mii sponsor but declined the offer as Winalot did not seem appropriate."

[Cor Blimey]

Stephen Hawking has died. Have they tried switching him off then on again?

[Far East Hammer]

Police investigating a 50p coin thrown at the directors at a recent West Ham game have discovered it was in fact a takeover bid.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Charles Dickens' ""A Tale of Two Cities"" was originally serialised in two local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times."

[Iron Filings]

"The Liverpool Arts Council are pleased to announce they have received funding for an exciting new film project. Starring Ken Dodd and Jamie Carragher, the remake of I Spit on Your Grave will be released in the Autumn"

[jack flash]

"Bloke comes home to see his girlfriend having been working away They haven't had sex for months, so they rip each others clothes off & dive straight on to the bed He's only just started thrusting away when he's aware of her arching her back, her toes curling up with each thrust & she's squealing away He thinks to himself, ""Wow she's really enjoying this!"" Then he notices tears streaming down her face She suddenly screams ""Stop!"" ""What's wrong honey?"" he asks ""I thought you were enjoying it"" She says ""Yes but give me a chance to take my tights off!"""

[Willtell]

ted fenton 2:07 Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Joe C]

"Chris Eubank has published a book on ethics. If it's successful, his next one will be on Kent"

[Mad Dog]

Statistically 4/5 of participants like gang rape

[mtchammer]

"It's sad news about the NME closing... I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, just in front of my US sitcom DVDs... I'd keep my Friends close, and my NMEs closer!"

[ted fenton]

"Does anyone know how to fix a sat-nav?... ...Mine is broken, it keeps telling me Tottenham's in europe."

[ray winstone]

"Two Scouser's go to Amsterdam on holiday. They go to a brothel and ask if they have got a fat ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin habit and a minge like a vandalised bus seat. The Madam says, ""You boys are kinky."" They reply, ""No not really, we're just looking for our Mum!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Life is all about perspective.The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.