THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Man takes his dog to a talent agent claiming it can talk. To demonstrate, the man asks the dog what goes on top of a house. ""Roooofff!""ù answers the dog. ""See? He said ""òroof'!""ù says the man. Expecting more than a standard dog ruff, the talent agent is unimpressed. Undeterred, the man asks the dog a second question, ""What does sandpaper feel like?""ù ""Roooughhh!""ù answers the dog. ""That's right - rough!""ù the man replies. The talent agent continues to grow weary of the act. The man asks a third question, ""Can you name me a famous baseball player?""ù ""Ruuuutthhh!""ù answers the dog. Desperately the man says ""Yes, Babe Ruth was a famous baseball player!!""ù By now the talent agent has had enough and tells the man and his dog to get out of his office. Dejected and now outside, the man looks down at his dog. His dog looks back at him and says ""I should have said ""òJoe DiMaggio' for that last one, shouldn't I?"

[Bungo]

Boris Johnson has left politics in order to spend more time with one of his families.

[boleyn8420]

"Well I had to tell a popular band how find out how heavy their chilli was, I said:- Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!"

[With Kind Regards]

"On the pirate's 80th birthday, what did he say to his friend? ""òAye, matey'""¶"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"First time I met my wife she was wearing a green jumper and gloves. I thought ""Yep, she's a keeper """

[Briano]

"A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: ""Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"" Jeweller: ""Do you want it 18 carat?"" Yorkshireman: ""No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"""

[penners28]

"Bloke came up to me and said ""whats your availability to run a football team in sheffield next week?""ù I replied ""I cant manage wednesday""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Rolf Harris has been buried at sea. The location of his coffin has been marked by 2 little buoys

[riosleftsock]

I'm just off to fix Cat Stevens' caravan. Awning has broken.

[Aalborg Hammer]

"When I first started my support group for perverted ice cream men, they came in their hundreds and thousands"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. Why don't you get a pregnant Barbie ? A.'Cos Ken came in a different box

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A priest goes into a pub to avoid the rain and spies a member of his congregation in there staring miserably into a pint. ""What's wrong, Brian?"" asks the kindly man of God. ""It's my grandfather"" replies Brian ""he's just died"". ""Well, did you not try to take him to Lourdes and get him cured?"" ""We had a whip-round in the pub and I went with him, but we had only been there an hour when he died"" answered Brian. ""Well"" comforts the Priest ""sometimes the Lord moves in mysterious ways"". ""I think it was more likely to be the speed of the 'king cricket ball that hit him in the head""."

[Haz]

BillyBondsBirthday 6:38 Fri Apr 21 Ag ag!

[Aalborg Hammer]

"""I won't back down""ù - Tom Petty ""I may readjust my stance if you have a reasonable argument""ù - Tom Reasonable"

[Nurse Ratched]

BBB Arf! Where Didi Gogo? üòâ

[arsene york-hunt]

joyo 2:42 Sun Apr 16 That joke should be updated to Cristian Stellini

[Helmut Shown]

"Did you know if you enter Moyes, Sullivan and Cresswell in What 3 Words you end up shit creek?"

[BillyBondsBirthday]

I was pleased when the Gent sub Godeau came on in the 84th minute last night. I had been waiting for him.

[Stevethehammer]

David Moyes having 2 goalkeepers on the bench

[joyo]

Fat Frank must be the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley

[Westside]

"A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'"

[riosleftsock]

"Just had some great financial news, couldn't have come at a better time, with the cost of living crisis and the price of everything going up. The kid I sponsor in Africa has been eaten by a lion."

[Aalborg Hammer]

What's the similarity between George Michael and a pair of wellington boots- they both got sucked off in bogs

[The Stoat]

Police have confirmed that the man who fell 18 storeys from a rooftop night club was not a bouncer.

[Mirkwood]

Yeah Ted kept it going