THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Queens Fish Bar]

"20 benson 11:04 Tue Sep 13 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Q. What goes ""clip-clop, clip-clop, bang; clip-clop, clip-clop, bang""ù ? A. An Amish drive-by shooting. That's a drive up shooting."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Here's an old one for the cricket fans amongst us. It's a story from a while back when the England cricket team were on tour in Barbados. They're out for dinner one evening and the special of the day is Turtle soup...Botham chooses it and is told he'll have a 20 minute wait for it. After half an hour, the waiter apologises and says that the Turtle soup is off because of a problem in the kitchen.The waiter takes Botham into the kitchen and the turtle's clammed up-tail's in,head's in and flippers in.""We have to chop it's head off before we can start"" Botham daubs butter over his finger and inserts it up the turtle's arse- bingo!,the head pops out and they're in business...walking back to the table,the waiter says ""That's a clever trick,where did you learn that?"" ""It's something we have to do every time we put a tie on Gladstone Small"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Paddy went for a job and the fella says ""Have you filled in the questionnaire yet?"" So he went downstairs and beat up the doorman"

[baader-meinhof]

i just found out that the bloke who stole my diary has died my thoughts are with his family..............

[ray winstone]

"A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for the fucking wall""......."

[20 benson]

"Q. What goes ""clip-clop, clip-clop, bang; clip-clop, clip-clop, bang""ù ? A. An Amish drive-by shooting."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves

[Mike Oxsaw]

"What cսnt put the ""s"" in ""lisp""?"

[Trevor B]

Cor Blimey 12:16 Sat Jul 16 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) Went for a Beaver Curry last night. It's like a normal curry... just a little otter! Surely that's the Chicken Tarka joke??

[ray winstone]

"A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, ""l'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."" The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, ""Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[ray winstone]

"Blonde called the RSPCA today and said, ""I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs!"" ""That's terrible,"" replied the operator, ""Are they moving?"" ""I'm not sure, to be honest"" Blondie said, ""But I suppose that would explain the suitcase."""

[backpass]

I was going to give up flashing but I think I will stick it out for another year

[the_bigot]

"I hear they're making a film about the Vaz affair. A washing machine salesman called Jim offers a Romanian woman $1,000,000 dollars if he can sleep with her husband for one night. It's called Indesit Proposal"

[Bromley Reject]

I've decided to stop eating partridge and start eating pheasant. Absolute game-changer

[Blossom]

"Masai GrahamImage copyrightDAVE A one-liner about organ donation has been named funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Masai Graham won with the gag: ""My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."" The festival's best jokes were selected by a panel of 10 judges before being put to 2,000 people, who voted for their favourite. Tim Vine, Stewart Francis and Zoe Lyon have previously won the competition, run by TV channel Dave. Follow BBC coverage of the Edinburgh festivals. Graham, from West Bromwich, claimed the victory after making kthe shortlist in both 2014 and 2015. He said ""It's an incredible honour to land Joke of the Fringe. Not bad for someone from West Brom!"" Comedian Stuart Mitchell came second in the poll, with the joke: ""Why is it old people say 'there's no place like home', yet when you put them in one..."" The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe ""My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart"" - Masai Graham ""Why is it old people say ""there's no place like home"", yet when you put them in one""¶"" - Stuart Mitchell ""I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10"" - Mark Watson ""Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit"" - Mark Smith ""I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer""¶ came second"" - Will Duggan ""Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated"" - Tiff Stevenson ""I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words"" - Gary Delaney ""Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor"" - Adele Cliff ""Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?"" - Annie McGrath ""Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask"" - Jordan Brookes ""Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first"" - Michelle Wolf ""I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound"" - Roger Swift ""Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer"" - Arthur Smith ""I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses"" - Zoe Lyons ""Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word"" - Phil Nicol"

[ray winstone]

"Essex Police are on the look out for a cross-eyed burglar. They have stated, ""If you see him peering in your front window, please warn the people next door""."

[Mad Dog]

For me it's always hard talking to a pretty woman. Then she'll notice it and it will go soft again

[Far East Hammer]

Such a disgrace! I left two Tottenham tickets on my dashboard and some lowlife has smashed my window and left 2 more. ....

[Aalborg Hammer]

"They are now selling Olympic condoms, in Gold, Silver & Bronze. Husband says ""ì ""I have to have the Gold one""ù Wife says ""ì ""It would be nice if you let someone else come first for a change""ù"

[mtchammer]

"I've just been watching the Women's Beach Volleyball and there's been a terrible wrist injury... It's alright, I should be all healed up by the weekend!"

[ted fenton]

1/69 people are Immature HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 69

[Grumpster]

Watched Mirkwood's link and the following then popped up. Always amuses me watching fat people get hurt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZUeLaWZs8k

[Aalborg Hammer]

"An old lady lying in bed in a care home was asked by a kind, caring man passing her room whilst on a visit to his mother there, ....""have you been bed ridden since coming into the care home?"".......""well yes, a few times"" she said, ""but I prefer to take it up the back while holding onto my walking frame."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Polishing mirrors-now that's a job I could see myself doing...

[The_Phantom]

"Haz 2:55 Fri Jul 29 I visited a German prostitute about 20 years ago. After sex I went to leave, forgetting I hadn't paid and she shouted ""Hey, What about the marks?"" And I said ""Oh cracking, 10 out of 10 love"""