THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[The Stoat]

New Boris bikes will be installed in London tomorrow Customers will be able to back pedal

[Mad Dog]

"I've had enough of people saying Brits are ignorant. Now we've left the EU, people in both Holland and the Netherlands want a referendum too *after I posted that on fb. I got several serious replies pointing out that there are bigots in all countries. One person even had the quote ""it's difficult to tell between countries"" to which I replied that it's extremely difficult between those particular ones. Whooooooosh"

[Saul Bollox]

How do you know when Mum's having a period? Dad's cock tastes different

[The Stoat]

It's been announced that Nigel Farage is receiving on average two turds a week in the post. What I want to know is who's sending the other one?

[defjam]

The Tudor periscope?

[Mike Oxsaw]

I like the traditional timber-framed extension on the top of that bus.

[defjam]

Mistakes happen!

[Saul Bollox]

"Man: Can I smell your arsehole Woman: No certainly not Man; Oh, it must be your feet then."

[boy40]

Now that Britain has voted to leave does Chris Eubank have to change his surname to bank...?

[ray winstone]

"Can't wait to see David Cameron on I'm A Celebrity, he'll win the Bush Tucker Trial every night!"

[The Stoat]

There is a lot of uncertainty ahead for high street banks as all our armed robbers come back from Spain

[The Stoat]

News just in that Sterling has taken a nose dive this morning I guess he might be out of the Iceland game then

[10thofMay]

"Jewish Pickle Factory Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, ""I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"" Yossel replied, ""I think she got fired, too."""

[Blossom]

"Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, ""I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."" The officer asked, ""Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"" Ron replied, ""That would be my wife."""

[Blossom]

"A Scotsman walks into a pub, usually of course, there's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Welshman with him but they're all in France for the Euros....."

[Mirkwood]

Funny that...lol

[Mad Dog]

If woy hodgeson keeps picking all these sp*rs players might make the final..... .... and still come 3rd

[ray winstone]

"The Polish fans are now on the rampage in Nice. Following the English / Russian skirmishes in Marseille, 100 cars have been valeted and waxed, 50 boilers repaired and 5 walls built with awful pointing..."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I was sitting on the bed last night pulling my boxers off and the wife says ""You spoil those dogs"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, ""What's the matter?"" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. ""You know who that was don't you?"" asked the passer-by. ""No"" said the farmer ""who?"" ""That was Thora Hird."""

[BerlinIron]

"As reported by Football Insider, Spanish newspaper Sport have reported that that Vermaelen has a ÔøΩ63million release clause in the five -year contract he signed after leaving the Gunners two years ago. funniest thing I've read in a long time!"

[The Stoat]

Damn. I just won a ticket to see the Euro 2016 Final in Paris but its the same day as my brothers wedding. Would anyone else like to go instead?? The service will be at All Saints Stratford.

[20 benson]

"A British Navy destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards the Brighton coastline... The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, ""Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading, and what is your mission?"" One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,""We are invading England!"" The crew of the destroyer all start laughing. When the captain finally stops laughing, he gets on the loudhailer and says, ""Just the four of you?"" The Muslim stands up again and shouts; ""We're the last four. The rest of us are already there"""

[ted fenton]

I thought it was funny Penners :-)

[penners28]

Everything ok here ted?