THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[ted fenton]

"IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN WHERE YOU'LL BE SINGING THIS ALL DAY üôÇ A mate of mine was scuba diving when he was attacked by a snake-like creature which kept biting at his facemask, and he asked me what it might be. I told him ""When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie .... that's a Moray!"""

[bell]

"I saw Gary Delaney at Saffron Walden a few months back, was supurb."

[wansteadman]

Gary Delaney 23rd October. Clacton on sea

[Exiled In Surrey]

"""Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."" The priest asks, ""Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"" ""Yes, Father, it is."" ""And who was the girl you were with?"" ""I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."" ""Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"" ""I cannot say."" ""Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"" ""I'll never tell."" ""Was it Nina Capelli?"" ""I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."" ""Was it Cathy Piriano?"" ""My lips are sealed."" ""Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"" ""Please, Father! I cannot tell you."" The priest sighs in frustration. ""You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."" Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ""What'd you get?"" ""Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[ted fenton]

Well he made me laugh MD some of those quickies are very funny ;-)

[Mad Dog]

"Ted. That's gary delaney. My favourite comedian. I've seen him live several times and he's much much better live. He's toned right down any time He's on tv. His last 2 tours I saw twice, once at beginning and once towards the end. Both times by the time it got to the 2nd show loads of the gags had changed as He's constantly writing. He's a genuinely nice bloke too, spoke to him a few times and on social media he will respond to most messages he gets. Married to Sarah milligan too"

[ted fenton]

Decent one liners https://www.google.com/search?q=bbc+nine+minutes+of+one+liners&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB898GB902&oq=BBC+One+liners&aqs=chrome.1.0i512j0i22i30j0i390l2.10271j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

[Haz]

"To be honest Ray, the FedEx one did make me chortle."

[ray winstone]

"Lee Trundle 11:48 Mon Aug 22 Fuck me, 'jokes'?"

[Lee Trundle]

"Dave's Top 10 Funniest Jokes of the Fringe: 1. ""I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta"" - Masai Graham 2. ""Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery"" - Mark Simmons 3. ""My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock"" - Olaf Falafel 4. ""By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family"" - Hannah Fairweather 5. ""I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person"" - Will Mars 6. ""I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back"" - Olaf Falafel 7. ""I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx"" - Richard Pulsford 8. ""I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery"" - Tim Vine 9. ""Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate"" - Sophie Duker 10. ""I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days"" - Will Duggan"

[ted fenton]

"A retired physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: ""Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500 - if not cured, get back £1,000."" Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: ""Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."" Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."" Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: ""I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."" Dr. Geezer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Dr. Young: ""Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You've got your memory back. That will be££500."" Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: ""My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"" Dr. Geezer: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, ""Here's your £1000 back"" (giving him a £10 bill). Dr. Young: ""But this is only £10!"" Dr. Geezer: "" Congratulations ! You got your vision back! That will be £500."" *Moral of story* -- Just because you're ""Young"" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ""old Geezer"" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY!!! P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers"

[ted fenton]

"Rashid is a 52 year old man from Sudan. He is deaf and has only one eye, one leg, and one arm. He cares for his fifteen grandchildren, whose parents have all died from disease, famine or violence. Every morning Rashid must ride 50 km to collect water for his family on a bike with no tyres, no forward gear, and only one pedal. If you send us just £2 a month we will give you a video of it, it's f#cking hilarious. Yeah I know it's old"

[eswing hammer]

"I met this Dutch bird on a dating agency, who owned her own inflatable shoe company , we arranged to meet but she never turned up , so l phoned the agency and they told me unfortunately she'd popped her clogs !"

[ted fenton]

"My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said ""I've never really looked but probably light brown"

[ted fenton]

"Just heard that the new James Bond will be aimed at the woke brigade. will star as a man transitioning to a woman. The film will be called ""¶ ""Cocktopussy""ù"

[Hammer and Pickle]

I always try to save my best material for the gammons.

[Johnson]

ag ag ag ag

[Cabbage Savage]

"Pickle like to tell this joke to the gammons Polish member of EU parliament went on an official trip to France... during which he had to attend a diplomatic dinner with his French counterpart. Seeing his magnificent villa, with paintings from great masters on the walls, he asks the French EU mp how he ensures such a standard of living from the modest salary of a Euro MP. The Frenchman invites him to the window. - Can you see this highway? - Yes - It cost me 20 billion francs, the EU wrote out an invoice for 25, and I keep the difference. Two years later, the French Minister goes to Poland to visit his counterpart. Upon arrival, he sees that the Polish Minister's home is the most beautiful palace he has ever encountered in his life. He says to the Pole: -Two years ago, you said that i lived a prince's life... but compared to you... The Polish Minister approaches the window. - Can you see this highway? - No? - Exactly."

[Hammer and Pickle]

I told my shrink to get on his bike. He was cycle-analysing

[ted fenton]

"Phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition. The presenter answered and said, ""Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"".. ""That Fantastic!"" I called out in delight. ""Feel Confident?"" The presenter asked, ""It's a Geography Question."" ""Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University,"" I proudly replied, ""and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 20 years"" ""Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Tottenham game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"" ""Bradford"", I replied. Of course it's old."

[ted fenton]

"THE TAXMAN COMETH At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi... 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My sex change operation from a man to a woman went really well...in fact so good,I'm still trying to back the car out-of the hospital carpark"

[legrandefromage]

The IT teacher at our local school has just been arrested for interfering with his kids. Turns out he was a PDF file!

[bell]

"As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes, I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space."

[ted fenton]

"ONE OF MY FAVOURITES....... A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. 'Son, where were you today?' Son says 'at school dad.' Robot slaps the son! 'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!' 'What dvd?' 'Toy story.' Robot slaps the son again! 'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son. 'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.' Robot slaps the mum!"