THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

Have you seen that Argos are selling 20ft pool tables? The queues are massive

[joyo]

Football Madeleine McCann Shamima Begum Jay Slater Who's coming home first?

[Mike Oxsaw]

I see that the Chinese have just landed on the Moon again. They've already rounded up all the Clangers and set them to work making iPhones in slave labour camps.

[Helmut Shown]

"I was trying to book a guest house in Cornwall. I phoned one and asked where it was. She said it was in an unmarked path a stones throw away from the beach. I said ""How will I recognise it"" ? She said ""All the windows are broken"""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, ""Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"" Cashier:""It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"" Ten Hag:""Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United""ù. Cashier: ""Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."" Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."" Cashier: ""I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."" Ten Hag:""Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."" Cashier: ""Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."" ""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"" Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, ""Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."" Cashier: ""Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?""ù"

[Helmut Shown]

"Two large women are walking through a park. One says to the other ""is there a public toilet in the park? ""No""ù says the other one ""the council have closed it down""ù ""We'll I'm busting to pee""ù she said ""Why don't you hang your bum over the parapet of the river bridge? There aren't any people about""ù ""OK""ù she says and adjusts her clothing and sits on the parapet. Just as she starts going she hears from below ""Oi! You've just peed in my canoe""ù Mortified she replies ""I'm so sorry, I thought it was my reflection""ù"

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"I got home from work, the wife said that the hospital had rung, they wanted a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample. She said she had just given them my underpants from the washing basket."

[Helmut Shown]

85% of Liverpudlian men say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

[Helmut Shown]

"A man says to his wife ""Get ready me, you and the dog are going fishing""ù His wife says ""You know I hate fishing, I don't want to go""ù He replies ""I'll give you three options, come fishing, give me a blow job, or let me do you up the arse""ù She reluctantly chooses the blow job but as she is doing it she chokes and says ""your cock tastes like shit""ù He replies ""I know, the dog didn't want to go either""ù"

[Mike Oxsaw]

I went for a health check-up at my doctors and all they wanted was a urine sample. I think that they're just taking the piss.

[Helmut Shown]

Q. What's pink and smells of ginger A. Fred Astaire's fingers

[Aalborg Hammer]

"The wife said if you're bored , why don't you make a bird table -Now she's kicking off 'cos she's in fifth place"

[joyo]

What's better than winning gold at the paraolympics ? Walking

[Darlo Debs]

"One friend to another, I see how you get Bill from William and Bob from Robert, but how do you get Dick from Richard. Friend replies...show him.your minge. Also nicked from FB"

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

I've got a date with a women who identifies as a wheelie bin. Unfortunately I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday. *Shamelessly nicked from Facebook*

[BillyJenningsBoots]

Shouldnt that be flogging.... joyless

[joyo]

"Texas Iron used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but then realized he was just beating a dead horse."

[Helmut Shown]

In our family it is a tradition at a funeral for the bereaved partner to throw the wreath over their shoulder to see who catches and is the next to die.

[joyo]

"A peado priest sympathiser,a conspiracy theorist and an Italian tramp walk into a bar So the barman says ""The usual class of cheap wine again goose?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A couple visit a restaurant .The waiter takes their order for octopus. The waiter says "" The octopus will take four hours to cook"" ""Four hours to cook an octopus!!?"" ""Yes,he keeps turning the gas off"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Why do bees stay in their hives in the winter? Swarm

[Mike Oxsaw]

"Auditions are currently taking place for the next blockbuster American disaster movie : ""A Bridge Too Few."""

[Mike Oxsaw]

"A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The asylum seeker says ""I'm hungry."" (POW!!!) A huge banquet appears! He then says ""Now | want a nice house."" (POW!!) A big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says""! want to be British."" (POW!!) everything vanishes! He asks ""Where has everything gone?"" The fairy says ""You're British now mate, you're entitled to fuck all."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Jesus and the disciples go into the Garden of Gethsemane bistro for the last supper - Peter says ""Table for 26 please"" ""But there's only 13 of you"" says the waiter ""Yes ,but we're only sitting on one side"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just cost me a pound , yes , one English pound ,to put air in my car tyres .Used to be 20p - suppose that's inflation for you"