THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Mad Dog]

"Makes me sick. I work all year round, save up my hard earned cash just to pay out fortunes for expensive presents for the kids. And that fat cսnt with the beard gets all the credit. Still, it's my own fault for marrying her"

[The Stoat]

The other half has asked me to help her with her diet So I've hidden her teeth

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's just after the American civil war and a bunch of brothers,the Johnstones,get together to form a band. The only gig they can get is on a paddle steamer down the Mississippi river. The cargo is horse shit to be used as fertilizer in the deep south. They pull into St.Louis,Missouri and the local inspector asks what they're carrying "" We're carrying 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. They pull into Columbus,Kentucky and ,again,the local inspector asks what they're carrying "" We're carrying 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. They pull into Fulton,Tennessee and ,again,the local inspector asks what they're carrying Again,the captain says "" 20 tons of horseshit and the Johnstone Brothers band"" says the captain. As they pull out into the river,the eldest brother Johnstone says to the captain ""Do you think when we pull in next time,we can get top billing?"""

[bell]

"Competition Time; Who said: ""I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee?"" Answers on a postcard to: Muhammad Ali Competition, PO Box 585, London."

[ted fenton]

"I've just seen a sign that read ""We'd rather serve 1000 Muslims than one of our troops"". Who says undertakers don't have a sense of humour?"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Lecturer: ""Gravity is the most fundamentally important force in the known universe!"" Student ""What if you took it away?"" Lecturer : ""Then we'd just have gravy"""

[lab]

Love that Ted .

[ted fenton]

"Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?' 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.' 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'."

[ted fenton]

"Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, ""Burger and chips, please."" ""Certainly, Sir,"" I replied. ""Are you eating in or taking out?"" ""You Bastard,"" he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen."

[The Stoat]

"This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favourite. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Don't cheat and look at the film list till you have done the maths! Here goes ... Film Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite film in the list of 18 films below. Film List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Gay Anal Fisting 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story"

[legrandefromage]

That would make you non-decimal

[Helmut Shown]

I'm identifying as non binary. So from now on I only deal in pounds shillings and pence.

[ted fenton]

"Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: £10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply."

[The Stoat]

"On a beautiful summer's day two English tourists were driving through Wales In the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the blonde Welsh waitress, ""Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us?ÔøΩ Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly? The girl leaned over and said Burrr Gurrr King"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Wife ""I've got a present for you that'll make you eyes pop out"" Husband ""What's that then?"" Wife ""A shirt with a 4 inch collar"""

[ted fenton]

"Golden Oldie. An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye. doctor The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.'"

[The Stoat]

"Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand .... ""I've run over a pig and it's still alive under the tractor !"" ""Shoot it"" says the farmer ""and then bury it"" The farmer gets another call. ""Done that, now what do you want me to do with his fucking speed camera?"""

[Helmut Shown]

"A bloke walks into his local pub. Things have changed since the change of landlord. He walks up to the bar and speaks to the landlord and asks what's going on. The landlord says "" we are trying to go a bit upmarket we have refurbished the kitchen, laid new carpets, given it a lick of paint. "" The punter replies "" i have been coming in here for thirty years and all of that time there has always been snuff on the bar where is it? "" The landlord says ""I'll have some here for you when we open tonight"" Not wanting to disappoint a regular customer he phones around various suppliers to no avail. He has a think and sees a dried up dog turd on the pavement. He grinds it up in a pestle and mortar and puts it in a container on the bar. Later that evening the punter comes in sees the snuff and takes a large pinch and inhales it up his nose. He looks down at his feet to check if he's trodden in something then says to the landlord ""can you smell shit?"" The landlord says ""No, you must have trodden in something"" l ""No I've checked"" he replies and turns to the bloke next to him and says ""Can you smell shit in here"" ""I can't smell a thing"" the other man replies ""Is that snuff on the bar? "" he asks. He takes a large sniff of the snuff and says ""That snuff is really good. I can smell shit now!"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Thank you Pentonville...I typed it out longhand and it was late..silly me. I stand corrected

[Pentonville]

"It's 'Stars in the their Eyes' and Matthew Kelly is welcoming a new contestant onto the stage.The fella struggles through the dry ice as he's got crutches and is looking very gaunt.""Ladies and gentlemen, this young man has a tragic but heroic story to tell us """"Good evening,Matthew my name's Simon and a year or so ago,me and my family were travelling back from a wedding in a minibus when we were involved in a horrendous accident. Most of my family wereeither killed or badly injured.My legs were crushed and I had to be cut out by the fire brigade.We got to hospitaland the doctors told me that I was going to lose both of my legs.My Auntie had survived but lost her husband.,Frank.If there's any fortune to be had,Matthew,the Gods were looking down on me that night.My body was the same tissue and blood type as Frank so ,my Auntie gave permission and they grafted his legs onto my stumps.I've been through months of physiotherapy and have to take drugs to stop me rejecting them.I'm well on my way to full recovery and ,although I'll never play football again ,I'm truly blessed to be able to get around"" Matthew says "" A truly heroic tale ,ladies and gentlemen, and a tribute to the medical staff at the hospital - what are you going to do for us tonight?"" ""Tonight ,Matthew,I'm going to be Simon and Half-uncle"" For you Aalborg 🤣🤣"

[Pee Wee]

ted fenton 10:58 Fri Nov 12 Ag ag ag ag

[penners28]

"bought a really expensive belt the other day, but it doesnt fucking fit! what a huge waist"

[legrandefromage]

"Aalborg, wouldn't Frank have been his brother-in-law, not his uncle. Great topical joke though!"

[ted fenton]

"I bought a new guard dog yesterday. It's useless, it lets anybody in. It's a UK boarder collie."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"It's 'Stars in the their Eyes' and Matthew Kelly is welcoming a new contestant onto the stage.The fella struggles through the dry ice as he's got crutches and is looking very gaunt.""Ladies and gentlemen, this young man has a tragic but heroic story to tell us """"Good evening,Matthew my name's Simon and a year or so ago,me and my family were travelling back from a wedding in a minibus when we were involved in a horrendous accident. Most of my family wereeither killed or badly injured.My legs were crushed and I had to be cut out by the fire brigade.We got to hospitaland the doctors told me that I was going to lose both of my legs.My sister had survived but lost her husband.,Frank.If there's any fortune to be had,Matthew,the Gods were looking down on me that night.My body was the same tissue and blood type as Frank so ,my sister gave permission and they grafted his legs onto my stumps.I've been through months of physiotherapy and have to take drugs to stop me rejecting them.I'm well on my way to full recovery and ,although I'll never play football again ,I'm truly  blessed to be able to get around"" Matthew says "" A truly heroic tale ,ladies and gentlemen, and a tribute to the medical staff at the hospital - what are you going to do for us tonight?"" ""Tonight ,Matthew,I'm going to be Simon and Half-uncle"""