THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

Dogs can't operate MRI machines - cats can

[Briano]

Knock knock Who's there Impatient cow ImpatMOO

[OK_Guy]

what do you call a blind German? ...a 'not see'

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke comes home from work and says to his wife "" Do you fancy a sex game??"" "" Ok"" she says "" What do I have to do?"" He says ""I've got a box of flavoured condoms,all you've got to is guess which is which"" She dives under the table and says "" Cheese and onion?"" He says "" Hold on,I haven't put one on yet"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"My all time favourite from Tommy Cooper: They say 1 in 5 of the world's population is Chinese. Well there are 5 in my family. There's Mum and Dad, Me my brother Dave and my other brother Chang Lee.......... I think it's Dave"

[joyo]

Why does the modern day Italian navy buy glass bottomed ships? So that they can see the old Italian navy.

[boleyn8420]

How do you tell when a clock is hungry It goes back four seconds

[chim chim cha boo]

"I used to cringe at some of the shitty jokes on here but now look back with nostalgia, realising that you are keeping the memory of dear old Ted Fenton, king of the shit joke +and the weather forecast) alive, God bless him. So carry on boys."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"I dreamt last night that I had Alzheimer's. Woke up this morning, couldn't remember a thing."

[mtchammer]

I guessed orange but it was chocolate; I guessed toffee but it was peanut; I guessed strawberry but it was coffee. I was wrong on so many Revels.

[Aalborg Hammer]

My dad wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Millennials are pissing me off - walking around like they rent the place

[onfiresquire]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend's arse

[Helmut Shown]

"A boy asks his mother ""Mum, how does a buffalo mate?""ù The mother replies ""I don't know son, you're father's a Mason""ù"

[Bungo]

*race even...

[Bungo]

Late entry from Ladbaby for the reace to the Christmas number 1. Apparently this year's song is to be 'The Fairytale of Tubed Pork'.

[Helmut Shown]

"A young female hippopotamus was grazing in the grasslands by the forest. She hears an almighty crash as two trees fall down very close to her. She looks into the forest and sees a large white rhino with a look of thunder on his face. The hippo says ""hold up why did you do that you could have killed me?"" He bashfully replies "" I'm so sorry, i didn't realise you were there. I'm an endangered species and I've never had a girlfriend let alone had sex"" ""Well"" says the hippo "" Our species are very similar you could shag me"" ""Great"" says the rhino and climbs up her back. ""Forgive me"" he says "" I don't even know your name"" ""It's Elsie"" she replies ""and what's your name"" she asks ""It's Neil"" the rhino replies ""Oh"" says the hippo "" the other hippos won't believe me when I tell them I've just had sex with Rhino Neil"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"I went to a shop to buy a coat and saw a nice one marked faux fur. ""Why is it so expensive"" I asked He said: ""Have you ever tried getting the fur off a faux?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just got a Katie Price advent calendar.I'm a bit disappointed, the flaps are already open"

[Noah]

"A husband and wife own a sex shop. They go in to work one Monday and as the husband is reading the post realises they have a couple bills due that day. He tells his wife and she says: ""Monday's are usually slow. Go pay the bills and just head home for the day. I'll run the store if you make dinner for tonight.""ù The husband leaves and a little while later, a lady comes in and says, ""I'm looking for a dildo; about six inches long and purple with polka dots.""ù The owner looks on the shelves and says, ""We have what you need right here. That'll be ¬£35.""ù The woman pays and leaves. A little while later, another woman comes into the store. She says, ""I'm looking for a vibrator eight inches long, red white and blue with little knobs.""ù The owner looks on the shelves and says, ""We have what you need right here. That'll be ¬£45. The woman pays and leaves. It's just about time to close the shop when another woman comes in and says, ""I'm looking for something really wild to add to my collection. I'm looking for a big dildo; about 15 inches long in tartan and maybe even a handle. The owner again looks on the shelves but sees nothing. She says, ""I think that's going to be a special order.""ù As she reached for the order forms, she says, Wait! I've got what you need right here. That'll be ¬£300.""ù The customer pays and leaves. She closes the shop, goes home, and her husband greets her asking, How was your day?""ù The wife says, ""Well, I sold one dildo for ¬£35, one for ¬£45, and you'll never guess how much I got for your thermos flask!""ù"

[Manuel]

Aalborg - Your 'jokes' are absolutely shocking.

[Noah]

"The Pope falls desperately ill and is hospitalised. The doctors can't diagnose the problem, so they call in a world-famous specialist. After a careful examination, the specialist informs the Pope that the physical and mental pressures caused by his lifelong celibacy have finally taken their toll. Unless the Pope has sexual intercourse with a woman in the next few days, he will die. The Pope is horrified, and makes it clear that he would rather die than betray his vows. But the Cardinals and Nuncios and all the prelates in the Vatican plead with him to reconsider. The Church desperately needs his able leadership, and surely God can forgive any sin. . . And the Pope finally relents ""î but he says that he has four conditions before he will consent to the act. ""First,""ù he says, ""the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see who it is that she is having relations with.""ù The Cardinals agree. This doesn't seem too difficult. ""Second,""ù he says, ""she must be deaf ""î so that even if I should cry out in my passion, she will not be able to recognise my voice.""ù The Cardinals agree. It seems reasonable. ""Third,""ù he says, ""she must be mute, so that even if she does discover my identity, she can never tell anyone.""ù The Cardinals agree. A sensible precaution! ""And fourth,""ù says the Pope, ""she's gotta have really big tits. . .""ù"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Fella goes into a pub and orders a pint. The landlord starts pouring it out and says ""Don't normally see you in here"" ""No"" says the fella ""62 today"" ""Congratulations"" says the landlord""Let me buy you a drink"" So the two of them are having a scotch and the landlord says ""Are you coming in here tomorrow?"" ""No"" says the fella "" 2 to 10 tomorrow"""

[Queens Fish Bar]

David Cameron as Foreign Secretary. Esther McVey Minister for wokery. PMSL

[Aalborg Hammer]

I think my local mosque has got a bouncy castle in it 'cos there's always a row of sandals outside