THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just cost me a pound , yes , one English pound ,to put air in my car tyres .Used to be 20p - suppose that's inflation for you"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My mate used to call his wedding anniversary day ""Bruce Lee day"" 'cos he used to go home and Enter the Dragon"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"A bloke comes home from work * and says to his wife ""Do you want to try a new sex position? "" ""OK"" she says ""What do I have to do?"" He says ""It's called the wheelbarrow - take all your clothes off and lie on the floor face down - I'll pick your legs up, enter you from behind and you set off walking on your hands"" ""OK"" she says ""but don't go past my Mum's house"" *Not the same bloke as the flavoured condom joke"

[MaryMillingtonsGhost]

"Koi fish always travel in groups of four. If attacked, Koi A, B and C will scatter, leaving behind the D Koi."

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I got a call from my son's school today... ""Hello ,is that Mr.Jenkins?"" ""Yes ,how can I help??"" ""Hi,this is little Billy's music teacher"" ""Oh-hello"" ""Yeah hi,I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands"" ""Really ?? Wow!!"" ""Yeah- we found him dead on the toilet"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"I bought an old Elvis record from the market ""Wooden Leg""ù I said to the store owner, "" I thought he sang Wooden Heart?""ù He said ""No...This is the pirate version"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

Dogs can't operate MRI machines - cats can

[Briano]

Knock knock Who's there Impatient cow ImpatMOO

[OK_Guy]

what do you call a blind German? ...a 'not see'

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Bloke comes home from work and says to his wife "" Do you fancy a sex game??"" "" Ok"" she says "" What do I have to do?"" He says ""I've got a box of flavoured condoms,all you've got to is guess which is which"" She dives under the table and says "" Cheese and onion?"" He says "" Hold on,I haven't put one on yet"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"My all time favourite from Tommy Cooper: They say 1 in 5 of the world's population is Chinese. Well there are 5 in my family. There's Mum and Dad, Me my brother Dave and my other brother Chang Lee.......... I think it's Dave"

[joyo]

Why does the modern day Italian navy buy glass bottomed ships? So that they can see the old Italian navy.

[boleyn8420]

How do you tell when a clock is hungry It goes back four seconds

[chim chim cha boo]

"I used to cringe at some of the shitty jokes on here but now look back with nostalgia, realising that you are keeping the memory of dear old Ted Fenton, king of the shit joke +and the weather forecast) alive, God bless him. So carry on boys."

[Mike Oxsaw]

"I dreamt last night that I had Alzheimer's. Woke up this morning, couldn't remember a thing."

[mtchammer]

I guessed orange but it was chocolate; I guessed toffee but it was peanut; I guessed strawberry but it was coffee. I was wrong on so many Revels.

[Aalborg Hammer]

My dad wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.

[Aalborg Hammer]

Millennials are pissing me off - walking around like they rent the place

[onfiresquire]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend's arse

[Helmut Shown]

"A boy asks his mother ""Mum, how does a buffalo mate?""ù The mother replies ""I don't know son, you're father's a Mason""ù"

[Bungo]

*race even...

[Bungo]

Late entry from Ladbaby for the reace to the Christmas number 1. Apparently this year's song is to be 'The Fairytale of Tubed Pork'.

[Helmut Shown]

"A young female hippopotamus was grazing in the grasslands by the forest. She hears an almighty crash as two trees fall down very close to her. She looks into the forest and sees a large white rhino with a look of thunder on his face. The hippo says ""hold up why did you do that you could have killed me?"" He bashfully replies "" I'm so sorry, i didn't realise you were there. I'm an endangered species and I've never had a girlfriend let alone had sex"" ""Well"" says the hippo "" Our species are very similar you could shag me"" ""Great"" says the rhino and climbs up her back. ""Forgive me"" he says "" I don't even know your name"" ""It's Elsie"" she replies ""and what's your name"" she asks ""It's Neil"" the rhino replies ""Oh"" says the hippo "" the other hippos won't believe me when I tell them I've just had sex with Rhino Neil"""

[arsene york-hunt]

"I went to a shop to buy a coat and saw a nice one marked faux fur. ""Why is it so expensive"" I asked He said: ""Have you ever tried getting the fur off a faux?"""

[Aalborg Hammer]

"Just got a Katie Price advent calendar.I'm a bit disappointed, the flaps are already open"