THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[SecondOpinion]

@ Dandy Lyon Or just don't bother reading

[Dandy Lyon]

"Ted, you strike me as the sort of person who forwards on every single unfunny joke and meme to every single person in your phonebook. Try reducing the quantity and concentrate on improving the quality. Thanks"

[ted fenton]

"Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. -----Husbands Diary: A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?"

[Exiled In Surrey]

Sat on the loo and ran out of paper. Now doing that 'trousers down' shuffle to get a new loo roll. Nearly at Sainsbury's.

[ted fenton]

"Pensioner's Holiday A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop, ""I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."" He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. ""And how did you like your holiday?"" he asked eagerly. ""The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,"" she said. ""I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bastard I had to share the room with?"""

[side effect]

"When my nan wasn't looking i pulled her knitting needles out. She didn't find it funny, me, I was in stitches."

[Queens Fish Bar]

"The posters that use ad hominem against me, are swivel eyed looney, fascist, flag shsgging, incels."

[ted fenton]

"DEAR NEIGHBOUR: ""Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards Richard Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard. SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed ""wi-fi"" to ""wife."" Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all."""

[ted fenton]

"Who said that you can't flog a dead horse? A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, ""Sorry, son, but I have some bad news; the horse died."" Donald replied, ""Well, then just give me my money back."" The farmer said, ""Can't do that. I went and spent it already."" Donald said, ""Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."" The farmer asked, ""What ya gonna do with him?"" Donald said, ""I'm going to raffle him off."" The farmer said, ""You can't raffle off a dead horse!"" Donald said, ""Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."" A month later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, ""What happened with that dead horse?"" Donald said, ""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."" The farmer said, ""Didn't anyone complain?"" Donald said, ""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."" Donald later moved into the White House."

[Aalborg Hammer]

Just heard there's a geezer down the market selling Oxford vaccinations for £2 each or 3 for a Pfizer !!

[ted fenton]

"A young girl started work in the village pharmacy. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. ""Look,"" he said. ""My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used."" The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said ""950"". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. ""Have a look and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. ""Yes!"" she said ""He's got one hanging there!"" The boss said ""Go back in and give him £9.50, he's the window cleaner ....."""

[Darlo Debs]

"I was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper, i like to dice with death Sorry"

[Haz]

"arsene york-hunt 4:02 Sat Dec 26 Michael Jackson goes up to Elvis Presley in the afterlife (probably Hell) and says ""I married your daughter"" Elvis replies ""Well thak fuck for that, I heard she married a darkie."" Reminds me of that Stevie Wonder joke - When Stevie Wonder was asked what it was like to be born blind, he replied, ""It could have been worse, I could have been born black""."

[Dandy Lyon]

"I'm assuming the ""òusual rules' the opening post alludes to don't include ""òbe funny'"

[ted fenton]

"Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. ""Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" he replied gruffly. ""Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. ""Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply ""ì ""I outlived the bastards."""

[Aalborg Hammer]

My mates have got together to stage a party for Chinese New Year and Burns night. I had an invite and was going to say no. But they twisted my arm

[arsene york-hunt]

"Michael Jackson goes up to Elvis Presley in the afterlife (probably Hell) and says ""I married your daughter"" Elvis replies ""Well thak fuck for that, I heard she married a darkie."""

[Mad Dog]

Got absolutely shit faced last night Moral of the story: Never buy a cheap glass coffee table

[ted fenton]

"If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt."

[Briano]

"Janet St Porter goes into a pub and says ""òI'll have a large Aperitif ""ò Barman shakes his head and says ""òno chance'"

[Kaiser Zoso]

"Mrs ""î have you seen the dog bowl? Me ""î I didn't even know he could play cricket"

[Aalborg Hammer]

"My friend was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music. I said, ""Didja redo it?"""

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TINnkgnJu28

[The Stoat]

Mary whatÔøΩs two times two? Ninety four Miss Tom whatÔøΩs two times two? Tuesday Miss Sarah whatÔøΩs two times two? Four Miss Excellent Top of the class. How did you get the right answer? I took Tuesday from ninety four Miss.

[Queens Fish Bar]

"Jean-Michel Jarre got the idea for Oxygene from his sister Dora, who was always letting the cold air in."