THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[joyo]

Private prancer If you don't like someone's joke there is no need to dig them out.Why are you so bitter and twisted? Chill out its not the end of the world being fat and ginger!

[riosleftsock]

"Bleeding Dancer Thanks, your comments hurt me to the quick as usual, but its all helpful. You probably don't realise that some of us on here graft for hours on these jokes, while ungrateful cunts like you don't even post any, or even worse, cunts like polite and co who clearly just cut and paste from sickipedia."

[chim chim cha boo]

I really shouldn't find this funny but I just can't help it. If you're at work please turn your speakers up as loud as they can go- especially if you sit near someone ginger. http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=0b3_1444818566

[Hello Mrs. Jones]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufGlBv8Z3NU

[BillyBondsBirthday]

West Ham - the only football team in the world named after the two things ISIS hates most

[Private Dancer]

"Rios - Now now, don't get yourself all upset and in true WHO style start talking about cocks etc..try and come up with your own stuff instead of being a sheep. And yes, it's a fucking awful 'joke' Must do better."

[ted fenton]

"riosleftsock 5:38 Sat Oct 10 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) An old one, but still one of my favourites Yes I've heard it before but it still made me laugh :-)"

[riosleftsock]

"Coffee 8:04 Tue Oct 13 To be fair, he's got a point. That joke has never been tried in a bar full of lobster faced, expat paedophiles and young girls with cocks. They probably wouldn't appreciate it"

[The Stoat]

I've had a bloody awful day. First of all I got punched by a medieval poet and then a bit later I slipped up on a sausage. Things have just gone from bard to wurst.

[penners28]

couldnt find my belt this morning so just linked all my watches together and used them. turned out to be a waist of time.....

[Coffee]

"Regardless, it made me chuckle. And because I usually forget jokes within two seconds of hearing them, I'm unlikely to repeat it down the pub."

[Private Dancer]

Really? If you told that joke down the pub you would be on your own for the rest of the night.

[Coffee]

"Private, it made me laugh."

[Private Dancer]

riosleftsock 5:38 Sat Oct 10 FMOB that is simply shocking.

[BillyBondsBirthday]

"Played a football match at the weekend, the pitch comprised of gravel, stones and hardcore. We lost 2-1 on aggregate."

[joyo]

"Found a plastic carrier bag with a Chelsea shirt in it abandoned in the street,can't believe it's been thrown away! I mean those bags are worth 5p now!"

[joyo]

What's the difference between a Jock watching Scotland at hampden park and a Syrian refugee? The Syrian refugee has more chance of reaching Europe

[riosleftsock]

"An old one, but still one of my favourites At two-thirty in the morning a man is woken up by the door bell, he go downstairs and opens the door where there is a man standing on his doormat he asks him if he could give him a push to which the man replies ""no I fucking can't! not at two-thirty in the fucking morning!"" and slams the door on him. He gets back into bed and his wife asks him who it was he tells her ""its was some tosser, looking for a push"" his wife however is furious and reminds him how they broke down once late at night and had to ask someone to give them a push, and that they would have never been able to continue if it wasn't for the man who helped them. He sighs and puts on his coat and slippers, he walks back downstairs and opens the door, the man isn't standing there anymore so he shouts into the darkness ""hey! do you still want a push?"" ""yeah!"" the voice replies He can't see him so he asks where he is. ""I'm over here, on the swings"""

[riosleftsock]

"I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling but it came crashing down when the wife and I were shagging. Whilst in hospital the nurse said, ""Who was on top?"" ""She was,"" I replied, ""I see,"" said the nurse, ""She has several lacerations to her head, back and legs, but could you explain how she managed to dislocate her jaw?"" ""Nobody criticises my DIY."""

[penners28]

I dont get that one...

[ted fenton]

FMOB I heard that at school :-) 100

[Haz]

"Aussie guy walking along the beach in Bondi. He comes across a topless woman sitting out in the hot sun. ""Excuse me Sheila,"" he says, ""D'ya fancy a fuck?"" ""No!"" she replies. ""Well, d'ya mind lying down whilst I have one?"""

[Sniper]

Rios Which one? There's so many!

[jfk]

"I,m absolutely flabbergasted with the vw controversy, who would have thought that the Germans would ever try to kill people with poisoned gaseous emissions...."

[riosleftsock]

"Sniper, probably, why don't you ask the fat mess who posts on here?"