THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Helmut Shown]

Andrea Bocelli has been admitted to hospital with hand injuries after trying to read a cheese grater

[Darlo Debs]

Lol Ray

[ray winstone]

"I've been trying tantric sex, best position is called the plumber......you stay in all day and no one comes."

[The Stoat]

"I've just bought a Citroen Oxo It's like the Saxo, but built for Stock car racing"

[Monk~koknee]

"A black lady named Betty goes to the butchers and asks for some beef. The butcher replies ""No, Black Betty, ham or lamb?"""

[Mr Polite]

"I got pulled over by a police checkpoint yesterday. They said they were looking for a couple of racist attackers. I looked at my mate, he nodded - so I turned back to the copper and said 'ok, we'll do it...'"

[Monk~koknee]

Sydney ©1970 Bernard Manning

[Sydney_Iron]

"A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts , ""Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee"" The Bloke says: ""Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan, can you be speaking clearer, and slower please"" The farmer replies: ""If....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You.... Wont.... Spill ....Any"""

[The Stoat]

"An asylum seeker was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said ""Have you ever had a hug?"" The man said ""No,"" so she gave him a big hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, ""Have you ever had a kiss?"" The man said, ""No,"" so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, ""'ave ye ever been fucked, laddie?"" The man broke into a big smile and said, ""No"". She said, ""Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."""

[Monk~koknee]

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway now she's made a formal complaint and I've been banned for life.

[Saul Bollox]

"Woman says to her husband: ""Would you marry again if I died?"" Bloke says: ""Probably"" Woman says: ""Would you let her use my golf clubs?"" Man says: ""No, she's left handed""."

[strong dreams]

"A boy says to his mum, ""I've got the biggest dick in my playgroup, is it because I'm a northerner?"" ""No"" she replied,""it's because you're 28 and a fucking retard - now be a good lad and make sure you don't get spaghetti hoops down the front of your Manchester United shirt""."

[ray winstone]

"An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: ""Are you a real pilot?"" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'"

[BigDad]

"Little Johnny arrives at class and the teacher says; ""Why weren't you at school yesterday Johnny ?"" ""My Dad got burnt Miss."" ""Oh dear. I hope he wasn't badly burnt."" ""Well they don't piss about at the Crematorium Miss."""

[claret on my shirt]

"Ah, ze French When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle: ""Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison? What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"" ""A penis,"" replied Madame de Gaulle.A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said: ""Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ""appiness!"

[BigDad]

"""Get in the car,"" I ordered the prostitute. ""Hi,"" she smiled. I said, ""I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."" ""Selling my body for money?"" she asked. I said, ""No, sitting in a car with a murderer."""

[Willtell]

"ELDERLY SEX! The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it very well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, Yes he says. Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"

[Mr Polite]

"I went to see my doctor about my sex addiction earlier. ""Take your clothes off and lay down on the couch"" ""I beg your pardon"" she replied"

[riosleftsock]

"Mr Polite 2:51 Sat Oct 17 If my cock was that big I wouldn't need to groom you on your childbait website, would I? *great site btw*"

[Mr Polite]

"I was licking out my secretary earlier, but stopped and said 'I can't do this to my girlfriend' ""Because you love her?"" ""No because her fanny stinks"""

[Mr Polite]

Oi Sock Go fuck yourself x

[joe royal]

"I went for a job and sat down with the boss to discuss the details, he said he had no problem paying me what I was worth. I told him to poke it, no way was I working for a pittance..."

[Mad Dog]

My wife's got 2 cunts I'm one of them

[Marston Hammer]

My psychiatrist told me I was obsessed with vengeance. I said we'll fucking see about that.

[Mad Dog]

This is a joke thread. Not a critique thread. . . . I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist . .